Two party system

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In the United States, the two party system is the only method of categorizing politicians that is even worth mentioning. As there are only two viable ideologies, almost all politicians openly belong to one of two parties which coorespond to the two ideologies.

The two political parties are named our guys and their guys. The parties alternate controlling the national government, as well as many state and local governments. Some states and municipalites are dominated by a single party. Of course, those areas run by our guys are some of the best places in the country to live, whereas those run by their guys are best avoided.

Our guys care about this country and its proud traditions. They are true patriots who serve their country with character and honor. They fight for things Americans believe in, like tax cuts for us, better education, lower crime, and freedom and justice for all.

In comparison, their guys are criminal career politicians with no ethics and no care for anything besides power and the almighty dollar. The administrations of their guys are steeped in scandal and corruption. Their guys are soft on crime, bad on education, hate freedom, and support tax cuts for other people.

The two party system and the media[edit]

Politics are discussed on the many popular media in the United States, including television, radio, print, and the internet. Some media outlets are very transparently biased, and serve only as shills for their guys' wrong-minded policies and practices. Fortunately, others in the media are fair and objective, having no agenda except to expose the truth. These media can and do freely report on the good that our guys do in Washington DC and elsewhere.

Elections[edit]

In the United States, politicians are elected to office. An election is a game in which judges called independents or undecided voters must be convinced that our guys are the best to run the country. If successful, our guys may begin their process of making the world a better place. If unsuccessful, their guys gain political power, and America loses.

Undecided voters do not know if they like our guys or their guys. During the election process, their guys will frequently purchase advertisements which misrepresent the truth and spread dangerous lies about our guys. Undecided voters are almost as stupid as their guys, and therefore might believe this slander. Therefore, our guys often must purchase advertising time to inform the undecided voters just how despicable their guys are.

Elections use the Gallup Polls scoring system, in which select undecided voters are phoned at dinnertime and asked their opinions. Every week, the media report on the current winner and loser. Leads and momentum are as important in the United States political system as in a well-fought basketball game. Some unscrupulous media outlets report on the scores using other, less accurate polls, and many undecided voters who were not phoned by the Gallup selection process declare their preference in November. Despite these fringe activities, the Gallup Poll scores remain the most important factor in selecting officeholders.

Third parties[edit]

Sometimes, other guys get a lot of attention by jumping into political contests. These other guys seem quite okay, certainly much better than their guys, and maybe as good as, or possibly even better than, our guys. Unfortunately, if we voted for the other guys, then their guys would vote for their guys, and our guys would lose.

Preceded by:
Indian Colonialism
US Government
July 4, 1776November 2, 2008
Succeeded by:
After party system