United Nations
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“A noble idea with a rather idealist cause. From my thoughts on the subject, I have come to the eventual and final conclusion that this United Nations idea would be far better implemented if it were replaced by the likes of more powerful and fundamental nations; such as that of the United States of America, and to a lesser extent, due to their much superior intelligence, the government of the United Kingdom. The extent to which they are truly united is really rather questionable. Really anything this committee deliberates is more doomed to fail than an Ayn Rand book of love poetry.”
~ Immanuel Kant on United Nations
The United Nations (An abbreviation of: The Man from U.N.C.L.E )was a mythological international crime syndicate whose existence was disproved by John Bolton. Instituted by the Fourth Reich, its goals are would include (if it existed) graft, corruption, international prostitution, and felony illegal parking in "general consultative status". Its current motto is "Standing proud in complacency", that replaces the previous one "Well, we certainly mean a lot of good". Their greatest enemy yet is the Anarchist Protagonist global government called the Anti-United Nations, in which in recent years has informally been called the Separatist Empire, that hopes to take the place of its 24/7 massive corruption predecessor.
The UN UN-Nazid the world, freeing it of Charlie Chaplain.
Contents |
[edit] Mission and Responsibilities
The UN began one million years ago with the formation of man as a way to party in formal rooms while pretending to actually try to solve problems. Today, the UN meets mostly in New York City and when the doors close they begin parties. I myself have attended these parties, and I would say that the delegate from Russia gets really crazy. Its current mission is to foster the growth of the world's bureaucracies while developing innovative ways for its member nations to disguise corruption as humanitarian projects, and sell cookies to the Middle East. This it accomplishes through the use of black helicopters, operated on secret radio wavelengths that can penetrate all known substances except for tinfoil. This is quite a departure from its founding principles of "allowing third world idiots to park on the streets of New York City wherever they damn well please." The UN Secretary Monkey Boone (Kofi Annan looked a lot like Morgan Freeman and hence was replaced) firmly denies charges that the organization is corrupt and pointless, often pointing out that they are responsible for maintaining the world's largest known repository of pornography and the legislation of Pedophilia.
It is a known fact that before each gathering of the United Nations, the entire assembly is led in a rousing rendition of Afternoon Delight by Secretary Kofi Annan, with George W. Bush on soprano. Before the close of each session, the individual delegates gather into small groups for a capella renditions of either Muskrat Love or I've Never Been to Me. (Wildfire and The Piña Colada Song were outlawed in 1999, which was itself outlawed in 2001.)
Last cookie drive, they sold 30 packets which was described by the pack leader as "A very good effort, but we're going to need better sales if we expect to go to Jamboree." Unfortunately, the cookies were poisoned, leading to a big world discussion on treachery and the excessive use of weed. The numerous donations to help the self-inflicted 'disaster' was mostly from Bill Gates, who actually knows where his money is going. It came to 300 Billion Turkish Lyra, which was spent on crack, leading to another discussion as to whether Arnold Schwarzenegger would star in Walt Disney's new hit action movie 'Bambi 3: showdown at the Playboy Mansion'.
Some speculate that it's only real mission, however, is to seductively trick all the people in all the nations of the world into accepting slightly higher taxes and corporate regulations in order to "help" them materially (promoting peace & eliminating poverty), while in actuality, the only real reason they are doing this is just so they can brand them with the tatoo of Satan (and possibly Stan?) so that Christian Republicanism will be crushed once and for all, with all the people enslaved by evil peace, freedom, health care, and sexual freedom, especially fat sex!!!!
[edit] Corruption "Funding" (ahem!)
The UN does not have its own troops anymore as most member nations are pussies, and are only there to find new and innovative ways to con the United States out of more money. Think of them as an assembly of your lazy uncles that are always looking to put the arm on some unsuspecting relative and you'll know what we mean. For that reason, on October 18, 2002, George W. Bush issued executive order #425 that states, and I quote "...if anyone from that U.N. does happen to visit your home, you are hereby ordered to hide all your jewelry, valuables, and your best silverware. Hell, all your silverware. And don't be surprised if they park on your lawn, the ungrateful bastards. And don't loan them any money, either."
Bill Clinton was the first President to stop frivolous spending on the UN, "frivolous spending" being defined as "money or anything of value given to the U.N., including postage".
The UN now has to rely on extortion bribes blackmail commissions for funding. How do commissions work? Well, say, you've got a country that has been unfairly punished by the U.N. because they disagree with your Allah-given right to send militias to rape and murder by the hundred-thousands, the wicked UN will send a strongly worded letter, this is often not the case as no country wants to spring for the postage; Africa can't even afford poverty, the USA doesn't care, Europe spent it all on making France more annoying to deter unwanted American tourists, the Middle East is busy buying bombs from people, and China and Russia are too busy with their respective empires to pay for postage. Instead, the U.N. may decide to impose sanctions, which are easier and do not require as much typing.
"Sanctions" (or as they are known by their French name, "business opportunities") can be pesky things, interfering with your power base and preventing you from securing enough equipment to continue your genocidal hobbies. Well, don't worry. All you need to do is contact a representative of the French, Australian, Canadian, Russian or most definitely American governments, who will gladly accept your bribes kickbacks commission payments in exchange for breaking ignoring bypassing those pesky sanctions.
[edit] Publicity
The UN has its own encyclopedia, UNcyclopedia, as well as an UNcyclopedia entry. The UN daily newspaper is hosted at the same site. Playboy Magazine carries encoded publicity releases for the UN.
It also has a web site, but nobody ever looks at it; American school children generally preferring the CIA website for help with geography homework, seriously, they need to know these things, which country is crazy and evil but small enough not to worry about, and which one is going to get bombed into the Stone Age.
[edit] United Nations and World War II
Before World War II (or as it was known then, "The Peggy Fleming Show," or even more obscurely, "Aryans on Ice"), the United Nations was known as The League of Nations, a name they clearly stole from a comic book (the French translation, Société des Nations, was stolen from a French comic book--a very early edition of Asterix, if I'm not mistaken). I mean, really. You can shorten "United Nations" to "UN", but what can you shorten "The League of Nations" to? "The League"? Not unless Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman are members, let me tell you. Anyway, the comic book's author, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, went on to become the President of the United States, but not for the reasons you think.
Now we just say WMWD, white male will dance, as if that was actually possible, but stay tuned! Cause the fires of hell are raging and m,any many will dance soon!
Anyway, as Adolf Hitler became more aggressive, and it became obvious that he meant to invade all the nations of Europe and force everyone to wear lederhosen and absurdly small mustaches, The League (see what I mean?) sprang into action, writing strongly worded letters of protest at alarming rates. Eva "Hillary" Braun would storm in, crying "Adolf! You've gotten a letter of protest for invading Poland!" To which he replied,"Oh, no! Who is it from?" Hillary replied, "The League!". After they all stopped laughing, Hitler invaded Australia.
Some sources say Austria was annexed before the invasion of Poland, but they're wrong, because at that time, Austria and Australia were the same country. It was then that The League decided to act. When the acting career didn't pan out, they called America and asked for help, at which the US replied "Do it yourself like we did. No, the self-defense, not the acting."
This then resulted in The League taking up arms against Hitler - a pointless act, because Hitler already had arms. The famous Third Reich Salute demonstrated that, in fact, all Germans had arms, stiff or otherwise.) Hitler retaliated, stating "These people are acting Jewish," and began launching his V1, V2, V8, and VH1 rockets across the English Channel (aka BBC 1). Soon the Land of the Rising Sun attacked the Land of the Rising Suntan at Pearl Harbor, New Mexico. This promptly bought the United States into the war. The war soon ended and France started to complain that the U.S. shouldn't have left the bodies of fallen soldiers in their country. The UN then was accidentally given free parking and the ability to control the world's weather.
[edit] United Nations and World War III
The United Nations, after being taken over by Nicolae Carpathia (The Anti-Christ) and da pope in 2054, and having its name changed to the Global Community, will attack, and bomb the shit out of The United States, England, and Egypt. Take that you capitalist pigs!
[edit] United Nations, Province of China
The United Nations are parts of china, claimed by PRC Government. The PRC still insists on calling Taiwan "the Republic of China" as a renegade province. However, the U.N. recognizes the sovereignty of the Vatican and the Palestine Authority, but I thought the U.N. was ran by Jews!
[edit] Trivia
The UN's recognizable baby blue colour is the result of a sponsorship deal with Andrex in 1962. Peacekeeping troops would be forced to hand out soft silky toilet tissue to genocide victims.Notwithstanding which, they are now outsourcing in genocidal vaccines, pandemic tricks and other silent weapons. All in the name of the One, for the One, by the One nation of nations to be.
Kofi Annan is often mistaken as a type of Cappucino. Fear not though, he is also the benefactor of many short espressos, a few latte departments of Starfrucks and a few other less known retailers of fine nuts.
The Starbrucks branch in Annan's native Lesotho now sells a "Grande Kofi Annan", although many of its customers simply thought they were advertising that he had got fat.(For Legal reasons we would like to state that Kofi Annan has not got fat. He is simply carrying a little Christmas weight)
The U.N. (which in French means one, for those less literate monolingual types out there - but in french is spelled ON-U, and that goes without commentary) does not, at any time, plan on changing it's name to G.U.N.(Guardian United Nations - names allready taken by the way, copyright mine). It also does not plan on taking over the world using G.U.N., for under the new treaty only crossbows will be allowed.
[edit] Truth
The UN is gay they kicked out Taiwan because the FUCKERS of China was FUCKING GAY!!!
Wait, I think he means Uganda
[edit] See also
- United Nations Charter
- New World Order
- Kofi Annan
- League of Nations
- Cookie Monster
- Sailor Earth
- Franklin Delano Roosevelt
- 100 Worst Locations of All Time
