Ugliness
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Whoops! You suck at this, I'm 2 for 2. Serious now. Here's the link. Megan Fox
An article on ugliness, you say. This should be slightly funny. Well, let me tell you right now, there’s nothing funny about Ugliness Syndrome, or its sufferers. Ugliness prevents its sufferers from hooking up with attractive people, or getting jobs as actors or politicians (sorry, Hillary). Over two billion people have some form of Ugliness Syndrome: that's more than AIDS, cancer, and Oompa Loompa Syndrome combined. But if you don’t believe me that being ugly is a fate worse than death, feel free to read on.
Contents |
[edit] Signs and Symptoms
Ugliness Syndrome is very easy to diagnose. Symptoms include pimples, a huge nose, small breasts (in the case of women), large breasts (in the case of men), feathers (in the case of anything other than a bird), baldness, wrinkly skin, and no one wanting to look you in the eye, do anything with you, or even talk to you, or even get near you, or to...(sob)...Excuse me for a minute...
There, it's all better now. Your mom constantly saying how talented you are is another symptom[1]. If every time you look in a mirror, it breaks, this is a pretty good sign that you were ugly, but an extremely good sign that you are now, seeing as your face is now scarred by a thousand pieces of glass.
[edit] Who is at risk
Every race, color and creed (with the obvious exception of Germans) is at risk from contracting some form of Ugliness Syndrome, although people with a genetic history of ugliness in their family are the most at risk. Older people seem to be more likely to contract this disease, especially with such symptoms as baldness, wrinkly skin, sunken features and hair growing out of their ears. This is a classic example of how old people are completely worthless at everything, but I'll save that for another article.
All races, colors, and ethnic groups are at risk of contracting Ugliness, although some are more likely than others. 70 percent of the British population suffers from Ugliness Syndrome, one of the highest rates worldwide, beaten only by the whopping 81 percent of Americans, due to their uncontrollable obesity.
[edit] Cure
There are few mays to prevent Ugliness Syndrome. Victims of the disease may take many steps to make it less apparent, such as breast augmentation surgery, pimple cream, or shooting themselves in the head. There have recently been major breakthroughs in what may be the world's first over-the-counter drug for Ugliness Syndrome, but its side effects- pimples, hair loss, and weight gain- prevent it from being a viable option for most.
Alcohol is the only known cure for ugliness currently in production When consumed in large quantities, it often causes people to think that sufferers of Ugliness Syndrome do not have the disease. This has contributed to Budweiser's world-famous motto: "Helping Ugly People Get Some Since 1860." Alcohol is not a perfect cure, however, as it is known to wear off the morning after, causing the attractive person to wonder what they are doing naked, in bed, next to an ugly person, with a rubber ducky stuffed three inches up their asshole [2].
Perhaps the best way to hook up with an attractive person while ugly is to have them wear a blindfold, or better yet, have them be naturally blind. Invent an excuse, like... um... well, invent an excuse anyway.
It is also rumored that Honest Jim's Miracle Tonic can be a cure for this disease.
[edit] Ugliness Support Groups
Ugly people still face prejudice in both the workplace and the bedroom. Studies show that ugly people have more difficulty getting jobs as actors or hooking up with cheerleaders than regular people. However, many organizations are available to help ugly people overcome their disability and go on to live rich, happy, and slightly less than awful lives.
- The Habitat for Hideousity program was founded in 1976 to provide low-cost boob jobs, liposuction, and tummy tucks for ugly people. While I'm sure they meant well, all of the work is done by volunteer surgeons, most of which make Dr. Nick from The Simpsons look like an experienced professional. People in this program often end up looking worse than they did starting out (which, considering how ugly most of these people are, is saying something). Jimmy Carter, a lifelong Ugliness Syndrome sufferer and volunteer, has performed over 10,000 breast augmentations for the program since 1986.
[edit] Ethnic Cleansing Assistance
If you feel you cannot handle ugliness on your own, and you do not want to (willingly) join a support group, we will help. We have been working diligently over the years and have discovered a way to fix this. For only two payments of $5.99 or five payments of $14.99 we will select an appropriate plan for you. Depending on your payment option, we evaluate what little use to society you could be and how much better it could be without you.
Don't worry about contacting us. We'll find you... soon.
[edit] Awareness
Please, if you have a loved one or two that you know has been afflicted with uglyness, be sure to let them know the least painful way for your bloated ego. Do not let them go on through life with the false pretense that they are not judged. Tell them the truth. They are being judged. By you. Yes you. Don't say no. You know it's true.
[edit] Myths about Ugly People
- A popular British folktale tells of how ugly people are born. According to this story, people suffering from Ugliness Syndrome "fell out of the ugly tree, and hit every branch on the way down." However, most respected scientists tend to digress from this idea, instead contending that unattractive people are created when two ugly people forget to use a condom.
- There is a popular theory that states "Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder." According to this theory, what some people perceive to be ugly is actually beautiful to others, and what some perceive to be beautiful is ugly to others. Bull shit. If anyone in the world finds any picture on this page attractive, then they should go buy a pair of glasses. I think they're having a 30% off sale at Eyemart Express.
- Another myth about sufferers of Ugliness Syndrome is that they are a proud people. The myth continues that ugly people are a grand minority with culture, science, and literature all their own, and that they were forced into submission by greedy and selfish WASPs (White Attractive Sexy People). But this theory is, once again, full of crap. Ugly people are neither grand nor proud: they tend to hang around on the fringes of society, bumming money off their more attractive friends and talking to members of the opposite sex (or the same sex) on the Internet, hoping that no one will find out how unattractive they are. Also, ugly people can be shown to have virtually no role in culture, particularly American culture. In other words: you don't see them in beer commercials.
[edit] Conclusion
If after reading this article you still think that Ugliness Syndrome is not a disease a hundred times more terrible and tragic than the black plague, you are a truly terrible and heartless human being. Feel free to go screw yourself and die.
