Uj

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For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Uj.

Uj the secret number, lurking since a time before man. Its very form is a nightmare of curves and serifs, which can drive the uninitiated quite, quite mad.

Location[edit]

Some say that Uj lurks at the bottom of the deep, dark ocean, somewhere near Ponape, where Great Cthulhu counts uj sheep jumping over the burning pyres of his sacrificial victims while their animated kidneys play football with the eyeballs of the damned.

Others claim that Uj is hidden in Iraq, where it is the exact quantity of weapons of mass destruction, hidden by Saddam Hussein with the intention of destroying Catholic religious ceremonies. In consequence of the mystical emanations of this number and its effect upon the human mind - mind, why should I mind, I don't even like mustard - there may be as many as Uj squared fanatics even now waiting to strap plastic explosives to their nervous, sweating bodies and commit the ultimate middle-eastern fashion faux-pas (bombs were so last season, dahling).

Madness[edit]

The effects of Uj upon the human mind are said to include dressing in black and white checks, wearing hats and playing ska music. It may move your house to the middle of the street and cause your trousers to become baggy. Houses in the middle of the street are fun, particularly if they are also the lion's den.

Denial[edit]

A large river, running through Egypt, this is the home of Professor Charles Marjorie Bumbly-Higgins, who claims that Uj is nothing more than the lurid hallucination of his pet bucket, Horace. Professor Higgins, once tried to teach Dr Doolittle to say "the Rain in Spain" but was killed by a pygmy lion, while expounding his theory on the non-existence of Uj.

Other experts on the location and attributes of Uj are all prawns, cooked in a sweet chili sauce and served with lumps of liberal custard. Quite why the majestic wildebeest, as it wanders across the plains (denting the wings and making the towels leak) feels the need to eat tomato ice cream shall always remain a mystery. Oh master, why have you forsaken me. There is no danger I tell them, though they will not listen for the frogs are not in the telephone. Uj make you mad? It's a lie I tell you. Only the orangutan is sane.