Ultimate Jesus
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“That guy is so, totally ultimate.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Ultimate Jesus
“Yeah, I do rock”
~ Ultimate Jesus on himself
“I pity that fool.”
~ Ultimate Jesus on Mr. T
Ultimate Jesus is just that. Not to be confused with Ultra Jesus, who is a robot. Also, not to be confused with YTMND.
Contents |
[edit] Creation
Ultimate Jesus came about shortly after The Justice League of Jesus. When it became apparent that Regular Jesus was kind of a pussy, God decided that a tough, kick-ass Jesus was needed. Thus God enlisted the help of some scientists to splice the genes of Jesus with those of Chuck Norris and Kratos to create a Jesus so tough and so kick-ass he eats people. (Please, do not ask why god would need scientists to cross-fuse people's genes, though it's suspected God was simply too busy either not existing or contradicting himself to do it.)
[edit] How ultimate is he?
Extremely ultimate. His sheer ultimateness cannot be measured on any man-made scale, and those who have tried met a gruesome end. The gruesome end is what? It is Ultimate Jesus showing you his mum. After so challenged, Ultimate Jesus watched the entire series of Neon Genesis Evangelion, and shortly after was heard to say "Oh, I get it," though he has never revealed the secret. Chuck Norris once tried to round house kick Ultimate Jesus. It was the only time Chuck Norris cried.
[edit] Powers
Ultimate Jesus has the powers of both the light and the dark side of The Force, and Superman. He can also fly at twice the speed of light, and is immune to the effects of Mexican Food.
Ultimate Jesus was trained by Chuck Norris, Stalin, and Bruce Lee to be a one-man army.
Ultimate Jesus is one of the few who can fully control Perfect Mega Jesus.
Also, Ultimate Jesus can survive a roundhouse kick to the head from Chuck Norris, can kill a ninja from 60 paces (a pirate from 40), cannot be pitied by Mr. T, and can run a mile in under four seconds.
Ultimate Jesus also has the power to give AIDS to anyone who has sex before they are married.
Ultimate Jesus' Power Level is indeed over 9000.
Ultimate Jesus can impregnate women from 90 yards away.
Ultimate Jesus can catch a speeding bullet... with YOUR face.
Ultimate Jesus can spit Alien and then have Alien spit acid for him. (He usually has about four Aliens in his mouth at a time... just in case. It is worth noting, this does not have any effect on his speech. Ultimate Jesus has Ultimate Diction)
Ultimate Jesus can somehow fuck your sins. When asked how your sins were in bed, he replied "Ehh."
Ultimate Jesus has the power to read and speak any language... even internet lingo.
Ultimate Jesus can believe it's not butter.
Ultimate Jesus does know that Fiona and I do it in my van every Sunday.
Ultimate Jesus is bigger than The Beatles.
Ultimate Jesus can swim at half the speed of light. Fortunately for Michael Phelps, Ultimate Jesus doesn't like to swim.
Ultimate Jesus can walk on water, as well as swim on air and fly on ground.
Ultimate Jesus is the patron saint of Chuck Norris, badassery, and Roundhouse kicking you in the face.
Apple gives Ultimate Jesus $2.99 for downloading a song (they give Chuck Norris $0.99).
Chuck Norris once tried to roundhouse kick Ultimate Jesus in the face. It was the only time Chuck Norris ever cried.
contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris didn't cry, but admitted to ultimate Jesus being the only person to ever survive a roundhouse kick to the face.
[edit] Weaknesses
Ultimate Jesus has no weakness. Period.
[edit] Stuff He hates
Original Jesus and Jebus, Super Jebus, and Pirate Ninja Jesus
[edit] Ego
It is widely believed that Ultimate Jesus has the largest ego in the known universe. For some reason, being one of the most powerful beings of all time has given him a swelled head. On numerous occasions he has been heard to say “I’m bigger than Jesus”, which he is by at least 4 inches. He also has a 2 meter dick. he delights in using his dick to kill jew chicks, often saying something to do with Jewish peoples noses
[edit] Exploits
Ultimate Jesus has been given many missions by the Chuck Norris, including:
- Beating Mike Tyson in Punchout
- fighting Godzilla.
- fighting Muhammad Ali.
- fighting Teenage Mutant Ninja Jesus
- Fighting, Beating and Pitying Mr T
- buying milk.
- fighting the berger force five (it was a tie since he was outnumbered)
- destroying the planet of the Apes in the future, just in case.
- Accompanying Frodo, disguised as Gandalf, to find out if he and Sam really are, you know, "that way".
- Is the only person to roundhouse kick chuck norris in the face.
- Prolonged all the wars of the world for sheer amusement, (for he was bored and was lacking in string for entertainment).
He also travelled back in time with Chuck Norris to stop the JFK assassination. This was the second time Chuck had attempted to save Kennedy, after causing his head to explode out of amazement the first time. Unfortunately, this time ultimate jesus used his beard to stop the bullets (as chuck norris had previously done) and a tendril of the beard went right through JFK's head, causing it to A splode.
[edit] 1,000 things you didn't know about Ultimate Jesus
1,000. Jesus once saved the research facility Black Mesa from alien invasion.
999. Jesus once saved the world from an evil little girl named, Alma.
998. Jesus once ran for president under the fake name, Barack Obama.
997. Jesus was at Stalingrad.
996. Jesus "closed shut the Jaws of Oblivion".
995. Jesus saved a mutated bandicoot from an evil doctor.
994. Jesus threw the Ring of power into Mt. Doom.
993. jesus once beat Superman in a drinking contest.
992. Jesus has never not gotten a "no scope".
991. Jesus lead a rebellion against an evil Mars mining company.
990. Jesus knows exactly where Waldo is.
989. Jesus once beat the Devil in a fiddle contest.
988. Jesus once escaped from a prison called, Butcher Bay.
987. Jesus is "ungroundable".
986. Jesus destroyed the halo rings.
987. Jesus has fought off 8,542 UFO attacks
986. Jesus happy-slapped wolverine on the grounds that he was copying his facial hair style.
985. Jesus learned he was his own mum.
[edit] Ultimate Form
Ultimate Jesus is said to transform for His Ultimate Battle between Ultimate Good and Ultimate Evil. In this form, he rides a white horse, has a sword coming out of his mouth and is covered in glowing tattoos. Also, he is able to summon an army made up entirely of Jehovah's Witnesses to bring down His Ultimate Badassery on the Forsaken.
[edit] What about Pirate Ninja Jesus?
He is the ultimate Jesus, not Ultimate Jesus. There is a difference. But Ultimate Jesus is more ultimate. Ultimate Jesus and Pirate Ninja Jesus once fought after PNJ insulted your mom behind his back. They seemed at first to be evenly matched, but Ultimate Jesus, being more ultimate, won in the end after extensivly beating pirate ninja jesus with a 2x4 (by ten to the power of infinity) over the head repeatedly. the final blow was ultimate jesus getting an erection.
[edit] See Also
| Fear their wrath, and beware their confusing names. If you are confused about which one you want to know to know to know to know it is it is yes. babs, it's probably Original Jesus. | ||
| Disco Jesus: Sabbath Night Fever | Invented economic theory: Supply-side Jesus | |
| Jesus of Nazareth: Singer and Songwriter | The Passion of the Jew: Kyle Broflovski | |
| Dark Jesus: Parallel Universe Jesus | Something musical: The Artist Formerly Known As Jesus | |
| Jesus Christ - Alcoholic: Just like daddy. | Member of the Carpenters: Jeez | |
| King Jesus: That's sire to you, boy | Semi-Jesus anthropormorphic personification:Messiah | |
| Jesus Fucking Christ: Working class hero and modern day sage | Moshed his way to Metal-heaven: Metal Jesus | |
| Super Jebus: Western Sydney pimp | He screams! He sells! His head EXPLODES! Billy Mays | |
| Jesus Marx: Illegal Commie Clone | Elemental Jesus: Je (element) | |
| Republican Jesus: Has a "W" sticker on his SUV | An alpha prototype Christ: Jesus 1.5a | |
| Hide and Go Jesus: The hardest one to find | That one in that band...Nightmare Cinema or something: Jesus LaBrie | |
| Jihad Jesus: جهاد عيسي | Raise one family and you will be a believer: Pet Jesus | |
| Stephen Colbert: Smiting Bears for in God's name | Patron Jesus of Crocodiles: Steve Irwin | |
| Ultimate Jesus: Designed by God to be the ultimate fighting machine | He's blonde, cultish, and believes in racial purity. No, it's not a Nazi, it's: Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints | |
| MC Jesus: The Jewish Rap Sensation | Blue in hue and bereft of beard too: Bizarro Jesus | |
| Sweet smoking Jesus: What would Jesus smoke? | Bow to ye savior or walk the plank ye scurvy dogs: Captain Jesus | |
| Accordion Jesus: Saves you from pop music. | But what If Jesus had lived in America | |
Kung-Fu Action Jesus (aka The Avater) lols
