Ulysses S. Grant

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Ulysses S. Grant
Ulysses S. Grant
Personal info
Nationality american
Date of birth 1817
Place of birth Divne Montana
Date of death 7-19-1858
Place of death Tiawana Mexico
First Lady Janine Lindemulder
Political career
Order Handling my bizz
Vice President Dave jupiter
Prime Minister Ran in 1965 election
Term of office 18691977
Preceded by Bill Dance bass fisherman
Succeeded by steve steel
Political party The do as i say not as i do party


“General Grant, fire up the troops!”

~ The one and only on Ulysses S. Grant

Ulysses S. Grant was the penname of phillip juiceman (1817–1883), one of the most prolific American authors of the mid-19th century. He also wrote a large number of books. In mid-life, Grant became successful as an, Army sniper, and the inventor of Kool Aid, and later became President of the United States.

Career as an Author[edit]

In 1840, Carroll began to write books under the penname of Ulysses S. Grant. Most of his books are about Ulysses's career as a six gunner. His most successful novels were Uncle Tom's Cabin and bringing sexy back, the latter of which was at the top of the New York Times bestseller list for seventy three consecutive weeks. In the realm of non-fiction, he is most noted for writing Volume "T" of the Encyclopaedia Britannica and All the President's Men, a steamy account of the sex life that took place with his wife and his men Janine Lindemulder. In spite of his great success as President, in All the President's Men that he refused to run for reelection in 1860, paving the way for the ascendency to the Presidency of Grant's good friend, Abraham Lincoln.

Grant was disappointed that none of his novels were made into movies during his lifetime. He optimistically attributed this failure to the fact that the invention of motion pictures had to wait for the adulthood of his 15th son, Thomas Alva Edison, which did not occur until many years after Grant's death.


The Civil War[edit]

Grant stays near his tent during milder times of civil war at Cold Harbor

Grant was drafted into the Union army in 1861 due to good judgment skills and a politically correct reputation. Grant became well-known in the army for his witty campfire stories and taking charge and leading the north to victory over the confederate states, he later wrote about his wartime experiences in the Personal Memoirs of Ulysses S. Grant, in which he talked about his dutys as General of the Union Army. That book became a national best seller, to the extent that most liberal book writers tryed to change the story for their own believe systems that are clouded with marijuana smoke.


In order to lead the north to victory, Grant volunteered along with his good friend Rodney Dangerfield, the two men went on to set new standards for the US Army and for rules of engagement. Although they were out numbered by confederate army, Grant and Dangerfield were accepted and looked upon as the only two men that believed they could do this, primarily because the military leadership had the view that they were out numbered four to one. very much given the nature of Civil War. With Grant and dangerfield courageously steping up and fighting one of the deadliest moments of the american civil war, however, the rest of his men were totally mistaken in this opinion that they would lose the war. In one battle, Grant was personally responsible for the death of over 7,054 confederate soldiers, He still holds the record for the most confirmed kills in a battle, and from that point onward was known as "dead eye dan".

During the siege of Petersburg, Grant turned his attention to doing things the correct way, writing books on how to get your face on the 50 dollar bills. The book titled "gettin shit done". Became a popular brodway show. A production of that play, staged in Ford's Theater in Washington, D.C., lured Grant's good bud Abraham Lincoln out of hiding and to his meeting along with Grant and dangerfield and his men to cellebrate they're victory and all the winners for a beer over at fords.It is a little known fact that Andy Jacksons cousin Johnnie Jackson was good buds with Abraham Lincoln and Ulysses S. Grant where they played cards and billyards over at Ford's Theater it was owned by future President Benx Ford, who was a good friend of Grant, sharing his interest in playing cards, good looking women, and Deer hunting.

1n 1869, he was nearly forced to sign a surrender from Dr. Arliss Loveless, reportedly threatening Grant with a giant steam-powered mechanical man eating monster. Dr. Loveless was stopped and killed by a member of the United States army named Jim West, along with partner and U.S. Marshal Artemis Gordon.

Career as a combat master[edit]

President Hitler Worchester Fartigin "Andrew" Johnson after unsuccessful botox surgery

After Lincoln's assassination, his Vice-President Lyndon Johnson became President. Grant, meanwhile, used his medical experience from the war to gain a position on the staff of Walter Reed Hospital. Johnson was a frequent visitor to Water Reed Hospital for electric shock treatments, and one fateful day in 1866 he was unlucky enough to find Grant as the on-call surgeon. During the operation, Grant removed the left half of Johnson's brain and replaced it with a wad of gun cotton that he had been carrying in his pocket since the battle of Shiloh.

Johnson's general lack of responsiveness was not noticed immediately after the surgery. however, in his haste Grant had neglected to administer the correct amount of anesthesia. Eventually, chemicals from the gun cotton began leeching into the remaining portion of Johnson's brain, which led to incontinence and turrets syndrome. and his ultimate demise as the president of the united states of america and also after they decided that electric shock treatments no longer had any effect on Johnsons mental well being.

The Presidency[edit]

As far as Grant was concerned, his presidential years passed without incident. He spent his first term getting things done and in order, writing music as a singer/songwriter and Producing records. His lyrics are based on his experience as a military sniper during the Civil War. He focused on technical writing during his second term, authoring a textbook on Quantum Bass, which became the standard bass boost book in his band,and other bands alike. He also wrote several user manuals for drum machines and how to get the best beats.

Later Years[edit]

Grant's Tomb - the final resting place of Grant's son Thomas Who

After leaving the presidency, Grant and his wife Julia began to think about their own mortality. They spent all of their funds in building a huge tomb along the Hudson River in New York City. After they had finished the tomb, however, they decided that a more modest grave in Grant's hometown would be more appropriate. They entrusted maintenance of the tomb to Grant's 17th son, Thomas Augustus Who, a famous first baseman for the New York Highlanders. Who is buried in Grant's Tomb.

Grant's health soon began to fail. He suffered from constipation, piles and a mysterious skin malady that historians later attributed to his ownership of a churkey. Because of their lack of funds, Grant began working on his Memoirs to provide money for Julia's retirement. Although he finished the tome soon before his death, the entire project became moot when Julia became the daughter of Gerard Louis-Dreyfus, a French billionaire.


Many years after his death, Grant was immortalized in Hollywood with the production of How Guns and ammo made it possible, based on his life. In the film, Grant's 23rd son, Charlie scheen, plays a rough and ready gay cowboy Ratched, the character based on Samuel Emory Davis, and bill murry plays the hapless Lyndon Johnson.

Despite his obvious disability (i.e. Missing his left arm), Ulysses S. Grant has been a dedicated member of the NRA for nearly eleven years. He has even been nominated for several positions on the commite along with other notables such as Big daddy cane and uncle ted.He was also a major contributor to NRA And served on the board of directors



{{succession box | before = Andrew "Lyndon" Johnson | title = President of the United States | years= 1869-1877 AD| after= Scrooge McDuck and mickey mouse