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An Umpire.

Scholars have determined that the word "Umpire" comes from the Latin terms, "Um" and "Pire," "Um" being to hesitate and "Pire" being a stake upon which people are burnt. The Latin word "Umpire," then, literally means "A hesitant burning stake." An umpire (Homo unsapiens cieca) is a creature of the night that lacks the power of vision, officiates at baseball and cricket games, and feeds on human blood.


Anthropologists have long suspected that today's umpires are the remote descendents of Vlad the Impersonator (a chameleon-like organism that once lived in the deep dark forests of Transyltucky). However, this highly hypothetical hypothesis has been ruled out, what with recent evidence from genome sequencing and Biblical prophecies. Umpires, are in fact, the final descendants of women of questionable morals and son of B***s. A common combination commonly held in extremely high regard in the land of france.

"Ow, My Feelings".

Morphology and Behaviour[edit]

The umpire's means of communication consists entirely of loud grunts and incomprehensible primal screams, often whilst gesticulating wildly. The American umpire is also known for his colossal bulk, protective black turtle-like exoskeleton, and a total inability to grasp the nature of reality as we know it. His nearest living relative, the British umpire, lacks an exoskeleton, but wears a funny white hat to protect him from air-borne scones and flying English ales.

Attempting to argue with umpires is an exercise in utter futility, as they are completely impervious to logic. The usual result of such an encounter is the inevitable expulsion of the offending arguer from the field, who then becomes ensnared and immobilised by the umpire's giant sticky web which usually lies just beyond the range of the television network cameras.

Recreation and Diet[edit]

On their off-hours, umpires enjoy a quiet evening of hanging by their feet from the ceilings of dark dungeons, sipping the life-giving juices of their captured victims, and listening to classical heavy metal on antiquated gramophones.


An umpire is ruled by an umperor. This umperor has totally no power as an umpire is actually ruled by the umprime uminister and the other uministers of the umparliament who were democraticly selected by corrupted and bribed civilians. This kind of government is similar to a modern monarchy, and mostly opposite to an empire.

Other Interpretations of "Umpire"[edit]

  • um
    Bosnian: mind, intellect, brain, wit
    Croation: mind
    English: um, uh
    German: around, at
    Icelandic: about, around, on
    Irish: about
    Polish: yyy... (polish equivalent of english "um")
    Portuguese: one, someone
    Serbian: mind, intellect, brain, wit
  • pire
    Croation: mash
    French: worse
    Guarani: leather
    Polish: mashed potatoes
    Turkish: flea
  • pyre
    English: funeral pile
    Polish: potato (an accusative case form)

See Also[edit]