UnBooks:Funeral of the Easter Bunny
The service began at 9:00am at a Burger King near his home. 8:00am was too early and there was a birthday party scheduled at noon. It would have to be quick. The manager was happy to host the service so long as it was festive and happy. "What could be happier than all of the Easter Bunny's friends in one room" everyone asked? Each of his happy friends would arrive with a festive smile and a happy spirit. "Could you think of anything more swell?" they asked the manager. And that's how the party started, swell and fun and happy.
The Easter Bunny died in his bed one week earlier. He died of a rare blood embolism that only affects bunnies with A-negative blood type. The embolism was unusually big and the chief inspector assumed foul play. His friends insisted that the Easter Bunny was taking lots of pain killers for a recent back injury as well as his arthritis pills and blood thinners. During the autopsy it was discovered that the Easter Bunny accidentally took his wife's birth control pills which reacted with his arthritis pills canceling out his blood thinners creating an embolism that exploded in his brain. He died without any pain or suffering and foul play was ruled out.
The Easter Bunny was discovered by his children. All seven of them entered to wish him happy Father's Day. Little Muffin had the newspaper in his palms and Button junior brought his daddy's pipe and tobacco. They hopped up and down on daddy and daddy wasn't moving. Little truffle laughed "Daddy's pretending he is asleep". The little bunnies jumped up and down for joy. They ate some of the breakfast and they patiently played their father's game. Button made a newspaper hat and Sniggles started a pillow fight with Buppet. When one of the hyper active bunnies broke a window the atmosphere suddenly changed. The bunnies weren't jumping for joy and they stopped nibbling on the breakfast. Button took his newspaper hat off. Little Muffin was nervous and peed on the bed. They sensed something was not right.
As the Easter Bunny had no other family, his eldest son Button Jr. was left to arrange the services. His mother was comatose and he did a great job organizing things. He called his daddy's friends and told them that his pop had passed away and invited them to the service and when to stop by their home. They all called him a "brave little soldier" because it was true, Button Jr. was a fine little brave soldier indeed.
The week before
He brought his mother strong drinks every hour on the hour. He cleaned the house and received the many guests that came to visit them. They kept reminding him that he was brave and a soldier. Rabbits cannot cry so none of them saw the invisible tears in his eyes - Invisible brave soldier tears.
At ten Button asked the manager to unlock the doors for the private party in the main street Burger King. He placed his mother in the corner and filled a 1 gallon Burger King Cola paper cup with Coke and rum. He then made sure his brothers and sisters were well tranquilized and received the guests. As is the custom at all funerals like this, Santa Claus was the first to enter. He was happy and jolly as always and gave Button Jr. a big big hug. Button Jr. was always happy when Santa Claus visited. Santa gave Button a big shiny star and scratched his cotton tail. He squeezed him so tight that Button's invisible tears poured all over the floor. Button said thank you and gave Santa a voucher for a whopper and fries. Button suggested that Mrs. Claus join his mother in the corner and handed her a paper cup filled with something 100 proof.
Stream of Guests
One by one different friends of the Easter Bunny came in. Button Jr thanked them for coming and gave each guest a choice of a voucher or a coupon for a Burger, Fries and Drink or any combo less than $5.99. First Spiderman slicked down from the roof and startled Button Jr. He laughed like the brave soldier he was. Tony the tiger and ET made a quiet entrance while Superman crashed in through the window. He said he would pay for the damages which he sometimes did. Vishnu didn't eat the beef burger but instead had a filet-o-fish saying sorry to Nemo and the Little mermaid. Neither took any offense. The rest of the guests huddled inside and the place was absolutely packed. Each of them said hello to Button and then grabbed their food wrapped in paper and plastic with ketchup packets and napkins. As ET is a herbivore he only ate the buns and fries while Lady Smurf ate the beef patties. She sure likes meat that Lady Smurf - Oh they giggled. Then as everyone calmed down the Flying Spaghetti Monster gave the sermon:
"This is yet another beautiful day in the history of mankind. Yet another of this universe's creatures has passed away and yet another one of us flakes to ashes and disappears into nothingness. Rejoice, for life is without cause, life is meaningless, life is but an absurd parody of the un-be-able. Take heart young Button, knowing that your father came from the deep pit of random nuclear fluctuations and now moves on to obscurity. He passed his time on Earth doing goodness for young children and already he is being forgotten. When this Earth is gone, so will he be, and all of us. Hallelujah. And everyone continued hallelujah. Everyone by now was drowning in a swimming pool of Button's invisible tears.
The after party
Button Jr had now become a responsible rabbit. When he reached 19...Santa Claus handed him a basket of Easter eggs. "You know what your job is now", he said. "I give presents, Super man kills bad guys and you hide eggs. If you run out of eggs, just find some rabbit prostitute on the street and have them lay a few. Make sure they're chocolate ones. Please. Seriously. You know you are lucky. Your job makes absolutely no sense at all and has no meaning...nothing could be more beautifuly nihilistic". Button Jr. responded, "No Santa. You are wrong. My job is to make kids happy and rot their teeth with Sugar. There is nothing more beautiful than that". And with that Santa left saying "You're right. You are a man now Button. A brave solder. A smart loving soul. I'll see you at the next reunion...and of course I'll be there at your funeral when it's your time". And they smiled and waved goodbye. Button Jr. would be the best Easter Bunny he could be. That's how he would keep his father's legacy. That was the brave soldier. The brave soldier Easter Bunny.