UnNews:"Emma Roberts is not Nancy Drew," protesters say

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2 January 2007

For those obsessed with so-called-experts, Wikipedia has an article about:
Nancy Drew (film).
Vampire Gerald Ford calls the upcoming Nancy Drew movie, "a sign of the Apocalypse!"

HOLLOWLOG, California -- Fans of the Nancy Drew book series, and those only vaguely familiar with the works, are protesting the upcoming Warner Bros. film starring Emma Roberts -- star of Nickelodeon's Unfabulous and part of the acting family that includes Julia Roberts, Eric Roberts, and Doris Roberts. This was epecially true when American Uncyclopedian PF4Eva (pronounced Pee Eff Foreva) went to see the movie Charlotte's Web and saw a Trailer for what Vampire former President Gerald Ford calls, "A sign of the Apocalypse!"

"I thought it was all a big hoax!" PF4Eva said recently. "I just wanted to pull out my hair and scream like a woman!... Even though I'm a man."

The film will take everything that Stephen King put into his original books, and "replace it with tennybopper crap," said Warner Bros. employees Pinky and the Brain.

The world was made aware of this reworking Monday after seeing Charlotte's Web. President George W. Bush was so traumatized that he sat in a corner, all by himself, and sobbed, "Why? Dear God, WHY????!!!!!" A national day of mourning is planned for June 15, when the movie actually opens in the United States.

Warner Bros. has responded to this criticism in a web posting on the recently-launched anti-Emma Roberts website EmmaRobertsisNotDrew.com which read:

Emma Roberts is the new Nancy Drew... or is she?

"I know 98% of the world thinks we've sold our souls to the Devil. That may be true, but at least it beats our original plan. We were planning on making Nancy Drew a man named James, but Daniel Craig was unavailable. But we just called him earlier today, but he hasn't returned our calls. It's still possible that we'll overhaul the film and remake it from scratch if the backlash continues."

~Warner Bros. on the criticism of the Nancy Drew movie

When God and Sylvia Browne finally returned UnNews's calls and emails, they both predicted that the film will either be remade from scratch or will flop miserably at the box office. The film opens June 15, the same day as the national day of mourning.

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