UnNews:Actually funny joke found in Christmas cracker

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25 December 2006

Crackers bearing the official Christmas™ corporate logo are considered much safer than generic versions.
Joke: "Not that sort of cracker." Ha! Ha!

SUBURBIA, London Co-Poverty Sphere (UNN) — A Christmas cracker joke that sickened a decent suburban father this December 25th was found to contain actual humorous content, a spokesman for the NHS said today. The man was found "appalled and disgusted" at seeing wry and rapier-like one-liner wit rather than the usual tepid puns.

"It was the strain of actual thinking," said Boris Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam. "Like it isn't enough bloody work putting up with the family. Especially Doris's bloody chav brats. No respect, children today. We never acted like that in my day — we'd just go outside once our parents were pissed and tie firecrackers to next door's cat."

No contamination was found in other boxes inspected, including those bought by two women who reported awareness of their surroundings after pulling crackers.

UnNews scientists randomly tested two dozen boxes of crackers in November for contamination with actual humour. Four crackers tested more than 1,400 times above EU limits.

Actual humour has been connected to behavioural problems and conformance disabilities in children. "Those younger than eighteen are developmentally incapable of distinguishing between good, wholesome puns and seditious content that may lead to negative thinking," said Dr. Michael Wertham, director of the Parent's Cracker Council. Repeated exposure to genuinely funny humour can lead to "fear and anxiety, sensitization to the suffering of others, increases in assertive attitudes, thoughts and behaviors, social concern and possible voting," he said.

A study of seven London families by the PCC found children were worse affected than their grandparents. The researchers say their findings suggest all British children are likely to be contaminated with the hazardous memes.

A national study by the PCC reviewed about 100 boxes of crackers from assorted national retailers. It found a per-box average of 0.86 instances of sarcasm, 0.72 instances of social satire, 0.65 instances of "disruptive or problematic" attitudes and behavior and 0.35 instances of mockery of the thoroughly deserving.

The PCC also urged Parliament to pass legislation to boost fines for excessive humour violations. One proposed bill raises fines to £500,000.