UnNews:Alabaman's threat to violate violators goes to court

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20 June 2010

...and by "violated", I mean forcibly sodomized. Merry fucking Christmas, y'all.

TONGUEPUNCH, Alabama -- Here in the heart of redneck America, a local dispute over the content of warning signs has finally gotten a ruling. Circuit Court Judge Ringtail Jehovah of the 9th district of Hootenanny County heard arguments from the district attorney that Clayton Grunterd posed a danger to his community by threatening to forcibly sodomize trespassers on his properties.

Grunterds defense attorney Mark Flederjungenschlagermachen outlined his case for UnNews, saying "the whole debate here centers on the word "violated", and what my client here may or may not mean by such forth. To wit, whereas the signage does read that "Trespassers will be violated", does this represent a specific threat to violate sexually a trespasser, as my esteemed colleague the district attorney asserts, or isn't it more likely that this is a vague statement of notice not to trespass, and not a specific reference to sodomy or the like. Even if it could be shown that my client did mean a specific action by "violated", it is at most unclear that Mr. Jehovah meant to sodomize, or to buy said trespasser a sasparilla. I posit that the source of such a suspicion, that he was referring to sodomy, is the mind of the accuser himself, which has been too easily swayed by the complaints of old ladies with buggery on the brain."

UnNews staff are still as yet unable to determine why Mr.Flederjungenschlagermachen talks that way, or if indeed he is a licensed attorney.

In response to the defense attorneys meandering caterwaul, assistant district attorney Fred Interferon told UnNews, "Well, as my grandmammy used to tell me as a child, a dirty mind is its own reward."

We wonder at this point if the the state of Alabama has a legitimate Bar Association at all, and whether it isn't more likely, perhaps, that Alabamians have nothing resembling a legal system at all.

In any case, the defendant in this case vows to take his case to the Supreme Court of the United States.


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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.