UnNews:All Hell Breaks Loose at Ash's Funeral
June 28, 2007 Ash's passage to the great beyond occurred today, at 3:00 PM, in an undisclosed location at Saint Mary's Church, Hampton, Iowa. Ash, 14, died a rather sad death that we will not mention any further in this report. His Will stated:
- I dooN't wana beee namd Will. ThAt nAm iz stoopiD.
Ash was obviously high when writing this letter. Ash's Mom interpreted and translated his Will into this:
- I want to have a really big party at my funeral, payed for by the government, along with all of my stuff going to my Mom, and giving her 3 million dollars from the show's earnings.
Every person to have ever even been an extra in the Pokemon Show was invited to the party. Right off the bat, trainers started dissing each other. Our Uncyclopedian correspondent who was at the funeral at the time, managed to get a sample of a conversation:
Brendan: Oh hey, Richie!
Richie: Oh hey, Brendan!
Brendan: Fuck off, asshole.
Brendan: You think you're so clever! You ain't shit.
Richie: I just said hi!
Brendan: What, is that some kind of innuendo shit? Are you telling me I fuck my mother?!
Richie: Is This Some Kind of Fucking Joke?!
Brendan: I challenge you to a Pokemon battle!
Richie: That's enough! You wanna fight? Bring it, fool!
Before Brendan could respond, Richie went on to pull out a .44 Magnum and blew his leg off. It was later deemed satisfying. Brendan then wedgied him every chance he got.
Suddenly, hundreds of such battles flared up.
The police escorting Team Rocket felt there should be music.
Cop 1: Hmm. We need music for this shit.
Cop 2: Yeah. How about Russian Folk Rock.
Cop 1: What the fuck?
Cop 2: Yeah! It's so fucking cool!
Cop 1: Fuck that shit. I want rap.
Cop 2: That stands for Retards attempting Poetry
Cop 1: Beats what you listen to. You don't even speak Russian!
Cop 2: Те иметь сражение?
Cop 1: What?
Cop 2: Let's have a Pokemon battle to decide!
Cop 1: Alright, but my Charmillionaire clone is gonna own your ass.
While they were arguing and battling, Team Rocket 'disposed' of the DJ, and started playing Death Metal. The screeching and ear crushing noise somehow contributed to the mood. The Elite Fours of each area decided that Pokemon battles were boring, and had a fist fight. Meanwhile, a loud thumping could be heard. I investigated the noise, and found a WWE-Style fight between May and her two rivals Drew and Harley. That is when I almost lost my sight because Harley's gayness made my optic nerve start to sever.
At the same time, Max was waddling around, informing random people that he was smarter than them. His logic was that he was the smartest person on earth, so he was therefore smarter. After half an hour of this, the insulted got together, and started beating the shit out of Max, including Marilyn Manson, who promptly beat the shit out of him, urinated on him, and called him "Eric Harris" repeatedly. It was really quite funny. He just lay there, screaming in pain, while everyone took turns kicking him.
The cops put their battle on time-out, and pointed and laughed at him. It sucks to be Max.
Even though there were strict non-alcohol laws because most of the people present were 10 to 16, someone spiked the punch. Everyone was trying to give Dawn punch. Dawn didn't know the punch was spiked, so she accepted. After about ten drinks, she proceeded to strip down almost-naked, give a Cincinnati car bomb to Professor Oak that Marilyn Manson had placed on a table (thank God it wasn't activated), and passed out in front of Todd's house, where she disappeared for hours on end. She was found at a local pool towards the end of the funeral. May also took some punch, then collapsed on a table, shattering a few wine glasses. Both had to be taken to the hospital. Eventually, police found who spiked the punch. Much to nobody's surprise, it was Drew. He had a laundry list of alcohol-related crimes, including spiking, and was promptly arrested after police ran him through their computer database, though not before he attempted to rape May.
Brock catered, as he was the only one on Pokemon that could cook well. His plastic surgery was a success, and he was white (well, not exactly, but paler than usual-sort of like Michael Jackson). But he was in danger. Professor Ivy and Trent Reznor found him at the same time. Ivy had molested Brock in season 2, after which she was promptly arrested and jailed for 40 days. Brock had a one-night stand with Trent Reznor in season 7 (He claimed to have "hooked up" with her). I don't know why we added that, but we did.
Shortly after that, more thumping could be heard. I checked it out, and discovered Phil Anselmo and Ash's Mom in the closet, making a new hobo-actor. That is when I lost my sight.
At the height of the chaos and noise, a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris knocked Ash's coffin off the table, and the lid burst open. Ash climbed out of it, and said, "Hey guys! I'm not really dead! I guess the blood loss must have just knocked me out!" The cops and Clint Eastwood abandoned their battle, and opened fire on Ash, screaming, "ZOMBIE!!! AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!"
They unloaded an estimated 83 bullets into Ash, then shot him with an RPG. Afterwards, Strong Bad urinated on the mangled body as it was thrown back into the coffin. The head was severed and sold on eBay for $3.5 million, and the coffin was nailed shut. To be safe, the coffin (and practically everything else) was then destroyed by Lu Bu's musou attack; however the attack's charging was too bright to see, and so a destruction could not be confirmed. But it was gone (along with everything else) so it must have been destroyed...right? The bid on ebay on 3.5 million dollars, however, turned out to be an elaborate hoax played by Team Rocket. They promptly had their accounts suspended and were slapped on the wrists. The whereabouts of the head are unknown due to a shipping error.
Ash's funeral was a disaster. The building was destroyed by hundreds of Pokemon battles, three fist fights, one murder, several (attempted) rapings, a sex scene in the closet, one poisoning, and one shootout,
as well as music that shattered precious crystal glasses a mile away (OK, so that wasn't true, but it was still loud enough to shake the tables). Well, I guess that is one legacy to the greatest hobo of all time, the role model to millions, the one and only person that could make Pokemon popular, Ash Ketchum. Ash, we love you...well, some of us do...
UnNews is currently taking donations to aid the now blinded reporter that covered this story. And the two cops that shot Ash have been awarded and promoted for their bravery in preventing a zombie outbreak. However, their corpses were found a few days later, apparently stabbed to death with glass-like feathers that were found lodged in their bodies. Investigators determined that they had been ritually sacrificed to bring someone or something back to life, as there was a broken, empty, and severely damaged coffin found at the same location.
Bands that played at the Funeral
- Down (Promptly executed Mussolini-style)
- Trivium (Matt Heafy had been Ash's lover through Season 8)
- My Chemical Romance (who were raped pre-show by a drunken homo groupie and later given the boot for a bad performance)
- Senses Fail
- 50 Cent
- Melt Banana (Marilyn Manson was to perform here, but backed out after Max's severe beating.)
- Nine Inch Nails
- Michael Jackson (who Ash planned on inviting to his wedding with an unknown character who reportedly appeared in the show (rumors say Brock or Dawn) but died before it was planned.
During his preformance guests say he picked up Ash's corpse and started licking it and making weird hand jestures and then running off with it into a dark alley. Latias reportedly chased after him, and returned with Ash's corpse. Police found the body of Michael Jackson shredded by glass-like feathers. The connection between these events is unknown.)
- And Ne-Yo! *Closer plays in the Background*
"My ears hurt," May said after the funeral. Then again, she also took a sip of the tainted punch, thus giving her an 'unexplainable' hangover, so that could explain why her ears hurt.
- Tony Soprano
- Bob Barker
- Alex Trebek
- Ozzy Osbourne
- Heidi Klum
- Chuck Schuldiner (revived by Satan for a total of three hours)
- Tom Cruise (worshipped the corpse under Scientologist rule)
- Strong Bad
- Chuck Norris
- Clint Eastwood
- Lu Bu (Had nothing left to kill and had to amuse himself by beating the shit out of Team Rocket)
- Latias (disappeared after the policemen fired on the zombie)
- General McMuffin
- Bill Cosby
- Everything and everybody that could remotely be seen as belonging to Category:Pokemon