UnNews:Anna Nicole Smith: Death by Twinkie

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8 February 2007

Anna Nicole Smith getting rushed to the hospital.

HOLLYWOOD, Florida - In a stunning heartbreak for teenage nerds everywhere, former Playboy bunny Anna Nicole Smith is dead at the age of 39.

The cause of her death is not clear as of yet, but a special bulletin from our roving reporter in the field, Dr. Theodor von Glock, Ph.D, has it posed that Ms. Nicole Smith died after overdosing on Twinkies. Apparently not knowing of the snack-cake's expansion effect on the body, she fell asleep on her couch and was subsequently asphyxiated by her rapidly-expanding bosom.

Her death came on the heels of winning a court case against the Marshall family, whose late patriarch she married just months before his death at age 104. The family has released a statement, declaring "Our condolences go out to the coroner who has to handle that whore's disgustingly putrid body."

The man with her when she died, Howard Stern, had no comment, but did manage to send me out a window before I took his picture. Presumably, he is an adulterous bastard.

But, of course, one thing is clear from all of this: dead chicks get a lot of publicity when they're attractive, especially to roving reporters.