UnNews:Calling all progressives: help us reform the welfare state

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Monday, July 20, 2015
File:George-osborne-progressive-reform-welfare-benefits.jpeg
‘We are saying to working people: our new national living wage will ensure you have no right to complain, but we'll fuck you over just as hard.’

Dear UnNews reader,

On Monday night the House of Commons will vote on the welfare reforms I set out at the budget. These reforms are a central part of a new contract for Britain to sell out the public and the state between businesses to create the lower welfare, lower tax, higher exploitation economy our country needs to see.

Let's face it, the welfare state is a mess. All those bastards out there trying to help people; no one actually needs it. So I propose to take baby steps to its derailment, so hopefully in only a decade or two's time, we can just nuke it all. All invertebrates, including progressives, should agree with this policy.

I believe this settlement represents a new soggy middle ground in British politics, one more cynical and duplicitous than seen in either the last Tory majority government or in New Labour. What I propose is to take more away from young workers, more away from the state, and raise the minimum wage so as to give the illusion that what I am proposing is some sort of a 'modernising' policy.

I propose this in the hope that the spineless majority of the Labour Party will secretly agree with me and then only pedantically attack the policies in an effort to pretend that there remains a difference between the two parties.

Just like the equally bright and modern Labour government before us, we will cut corporation tax to a bargain 18%, proving that if we have in some way failed to put forward reforms that are compassionate to young workers, then at least we can show compassion towards big business, who are after all the people that truly matter to this country or at any rate the prosperity of this government.

This will ensure that Britain will become the best place in the world to do business, like a luxury sauna or spa or Turkish baths or something, in which business leaders can sit comfortably and let their business flourish all their little minions into the sewer underneath.

I hope that these reforms will have a legacy of not only bringing British politics into a new era of cynicism, but also place our young people, the future of our country, into the hands of the private sector, the avaricious and the careless, so that we as a government will not be held responsible in future for fucking everyone over.

Depressingly, the the Labour leader has been viciously bullied by members of her party who are interested in such old-fashioned values as decency and integrity of “running up the white flag”. What I suggest: Vote with us; the Labour Party must become honest and admit that there is no longer any real differences in principle, and then maybe we could all meet up later and go for a drink and I could chat up Harriet Harman because she is definitely my type more than anyone in the Conservative Party.

This is recognised by everyone, or everyone I've talked to at least as a fair deal. Cutting benefits is not just about saving money. It's about transforming lives, and social injustice. This is the new centre of our politics. All those who call themselves progressives should join us.

Sources[edit]

UnNews Logo Potato.png