UnNews:Democrats preemptively explain poor Biden debate

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8 October 2012

Former Vice President Al Gore has become the Democrats' point man regarding the "unexpected" failure of the party's current candidates to do well in debates.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Members of the U.S. Democratic Party are "avoiding the last-minute rush" (as it inexplicably says on passport applications), and have begun explaining away the poor debate performance by Vice President Joe Biden in his debate against Paul Ryan next Thursday.

Al Gore had blamed President Obama's poor debate performance on poor hydration combined with the high altitude in Denver. Mr. Gore's search for optimal hydration often found him in the lavatory during fateful White House conferences, but altitude would seem to be off the table, as Thursday's Vice Presidential debate will be held in Kentucky, which is "putt-near" at sea level, ah reckun. Kentucky does have many corn fields, suggesting a Children of the Corn scenario of possession by evil spirits, a possibly useful rationalization of an impending brain fart by the Vice President, were it possible to distinguish that from Mr. Biden's noisome normal output. Were the debate only scheduled in Maine, the rabid St. Bernard Cujo would be ready for duty as an excuse for a poor showing.

One Vice Presidential debate is scheduled per election by the Federal Commission on Tedious Presidential Debates, even though the Vice Presidency is a totally ceremonial office and, as described in the UNCYCLOPEDIA article on Impeachment, always assigned to an utter microcephalic for the express purpose of dissuading everyone from thinking about anything untoward happening to the President, including removal for cause. Mr. Biden, by all accounts, has been stellar in the role, from encouraging a wheelchair-bound man to "stand up and take a bow" to admitting last week that the administration is eager to execute a trillion-dollar tax increase. Challenger Ryan, on the other hand, is all but unqualified, not only doing actual budget work in the House of Representatives but serially boring the American electorate with tales of fiscal Armageddon through excessive borrowing — none of which, oddly, his party has prevented, on the two occasions it could have, out of a desire not to be ridiculed. In contrast, Sarah Palin has signaled to Republican party bosses that she is again available, if they would like someone to step forward, look fine, and not say anything substantial.

Presumably, the excuses used on Mr. Obama's debate against Mitt Romney are unavailable for reuse. Mr. Obama, of course, was separated from his TelePrompTer, whereas Mr. Romney, seeming to use a handkerchief, was surreptitiously reading crib notes of his own, and may have violated Mormon strictures against the use of caffeine. However, all of Mr. Biden's gaffes to date have been impromptu and unrelated to technology or pharmacology. This Monday was Columbus Day, but it won't be on the day of the debate, and even any hangover should have worn off by then.

The recent innovation of Vice Presidential Debate Cheerleaders will minimize the notice given to prime-time screw-ups by the candidates themselves.

Various Democrats in the field of impartial journalism have said that Mr. Obama's sub-par debate performance was deliberate. It decreased expectations regarding future debates and let Mr. Obama continue his re-election theme that he can't be held to his campaign promises because there was TARP, then Libya, then job-killing kiosks in airports, then the Japanese tsunami, then Libya again. Whatever happened to Mr. Obama in Denver, it proves nothing, except as Mr. Obama has said, that he isn't perfect all the time, especially when an electoral challenger lies about everything, such as tax cuts not inevitably causing tax increases.

Thursday's debate will be the first in American history to feature cheerleaders. This will be a relief, as no one really wants to watch secondary office-holders bandy around campaign slogans, and everyone likes cheerleaders. Crucially, however, it will let Mr. Biden explain away his imminent poor performance. Perhaps even beforehand.


Michael Hayne "Al Gore blames altitude, Jon Stewart says quit 'polishing a turd'". NewJerseyNewsroom.com, October 8, 2012