UnNews:Digital anal massage - the new cure-all

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7 October 2006

Where will the poor buggers team go to play if the Catholic Church can't have its way?

BOSTON, Massachusetts -- Following the announcement of this year's prestigious Ig Nobel Prize for ignoble and ignominious contributions to religious progress, Catholic Church bishops have endorsed digital anal massage as a legitimate form of "laying on of hands" during healing ceremonies. The Archbishop of Boston went on Fox News last night and told the nation, "If a medical doctor can use this technique to cure hiccoughs, and get awarded a Nobel Prize for his efforts, then I don't see why our priests shouldn't use it to cure acne in teenage youths or indeed a whole range of ailments." Some critics have expressed the view that this might just be a ruse to allow clergymen to carry on perpetrating the kinds of abuse that have made them notorious in Massachusetts and elsewhere recently.

The UnNews science correspondent and amateur proctologist Dr. Ahab Schwanzstuker explains, "It's the surprise of having a professional in a white coat put his finger unexpectedly up your rectum when you have been suffering from hiccoughs for three days, that is the secret of this cure. When you are expecting such treatment, its efficacy it likely to be non-existent. Therefore it's going to be entirely useless during so-called Church healing ceremonies."


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