UnNews:Europe

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European UnNews

• "I love democracy" declares Palpatine
• "Je ne sais pas", admits Frenchman
• "Maddie story still alive" say police
• "Your opinion matters, tell it to the hand" says UK Government
• 'E.T.s visited ancient Earth' proof discovered
• Aesthetic fears over Olympic logo
• Ahmadinejad steals Bush's watch
• Air France takes attempt on 'Aetropolics'
• Aliens demand apology from Church
• Allegations of 'bugging' are starting to bug the police
• America uneasy about Queen's 16 year visit
• Ankara destroys Armenian church
• Anti-atheist bus campaign launched
• Apocalypse-expecting cultists come out from cave
• April Fool's Day 'death threat' man is released without charge
• Astronomical misunderstanding dictates this season's fashions
• Attempted popejacking foiled
• Austrian man manages to fulfil what is secretly every man's fantasy
• Autobahn minimum speed expected to rise
• BBC Lets Down Viewers Again in Free Giveaway
• BBC planning to forecast "doom and gloom" for the next 20 years
• Baby dragon shocks owner
• Bananas intercepted; Apes charged with smuggling
• Baseball caps go extinct
• Beckham’s secret England plan
• Believers See Holy Father In Flames
• Bicycle presses charges for sexual assault against owner
• Bill O'Reilly condemns subway rescuer for "disgusting physical closeness to another man"
• Bill O'Reilly predicts America will become Sweden
• Bradford and Bingley goes tits up
• British academic boycott targeted "to thwart colonialism"
• British government get tough on suicide
• British group boycotts American goods, protests government
• Broccoli voted best vegetable ever, food critics revolt
• Brown Rules Out Early Election
• Bulgarian war criminal pardonned
• Cancer is racist
• Champions league trophy goes missing, Seven Liverpool players arrested
• Chancellor committed to preemptive war
• Charles Darwin returns from dead; Wife is away
• Cheese Addicts Go Crazy
• Chess piece makers oppose the creation of female bishops
• Chris Moyles killed by Lurpack Man
• Commons Speaker Resigns, Claims £70,000 per Year in Expenses
• Communion gets a makeover. Meet: ‘Jesus Cakes'!
• Computers Contract Hospital Virus
• Conflict breaks out down on the farm
• Contemporary art piece sells for £193000, worth more than man's life
• Cops found innocent after thorough investigation
• Cow Tongue Creates Controversy
• Cows in Ireland contract fungi, entire Irish potato crop fails
• David Cameron proposes chewing gum diet for 90% of British population.
• Dissolute border collie has no boundaries
• Dog Whisperer cologne breaks French sales records
• Dracula Awarded A Knighthood By Nervous Monarch
• Drunk Driver Fails
• Dunkirk debacle may extend war
• Dutch cartoonist finds success after bad review
• Eidos reviews Eurogamer and OXM UK
• Eleven Killed on Boll Film Set
• Emos the world over voyage to Swiss death clinics
• Emperor's new clothes bedazzle fashion world
• England prepares for chaos and panic as snow predicted
• Errata 4 February 2008
• Europe invades the iPhone
• FARK YOU America and Europe, you're ALL faggots!
• FA Cup Football : Top 3 avoid each other thanks to Chief Ballwarmer
• Far right dissolve European Parliment
• Fiber One Shortage Ends
• Final Harry Potter book reportedly based on Sopranos finale
• Former Australian President Kurt Waldheim dies
• Former Cambodian Dictator Paul Pot wins Britain’s Got Talent
• Formula 1 Racing Announces New Teams for the 2010 Grid
• France Surrenders
• French Pen Pal disgusted after receiving third letter about the New York Yankees
• French Women Ditch Clothes and Wear The Censored Sign Only
• French carmaker Citroën expands advertising team
• General Francisco Franco is still alive
• General Ripper to head peace delegation to Russia
• Generalissimo Francisco Franco is STILL Dead
• Georgian Naional Guard on red alert
• Ginger family to be executed
• Girl's iPod explodes, Apple refuses to refund money
• Gordon Brown haunted by past relationships
• Greek oracle disgusted at America, years of destruction ahead
• Harry Potter won't go to Iraq, and Ministry of Magic is divided by the decision
• Heathrow Terminal 5 open to failure
• Hello Kitty ships guns to the US
• Hey America! Fuck you, too!
• High-speed train crash "not disasterous enough"
• I Am Built Like a 'Horse' Claims Italian Prime Minister
• Increased sunspot activity cause for concern at Vatican
• International Olympic Committee strips former female American Olympic athlete of medals, dignity, .... and clothing?!
• Inventor of Hyperbole dead at age 12,957
• Ireland Bans Clerical Child Sex Abuse
• Ireland expectedly lowers drinking age to 4
• Irish cut back on Bloomsday Celebrations; "Nobody's actually read the whole book", say experts
• Irish voters get it all wrong
• Irishman bites head off of girlfriend during a fight
• Italy adopts new official state language
• J.K. Rowling reveals title for Harry Potter 8!
• Jacques Chirac retreats
• Knut sends message to all other cute bears: SCREW OFF!
• LHC turned on, world doomed
• Labour Party "Must Unite" Behind Unpopular Prime Minister No One Wants
• Large Hadron Collider
• Latest 'matyr' of bicycle hardxcore sex cult jailed for life following nationwide manhunt
• Lawyer falls to his death at Tate Modern
• Leading scientists declare global warming associated with Menopause
• Lexicographer's call for suspension of English Language
• Livingstone's debt to the mob 'won't affect mayoral campaign'
• Love-rivals, 86 and 74, in vicious battle
• Major aircraft company pwned by hippies
• Man shot by police during operation
• Marilyn Manson performs fellatio, claims "it was strictly business"
• Martti Ahtisaari tapped for Peace Prize, world leaders pissed off
• Media Embarassment as Bird Flu Fails to Harm...Anyone?
• Medvedev feigns surprise after election victory in Russia
• Microsoft buys Switzerland
• Microwave ovens are a good source of calcium
• Millionaire ordered to demolish giant volcano moon base after 'secretly' building laser doomsday weapon
• Missing Link found, creationists commit suicide
• More UK "Jihadists" needed, says Blair
• Moron sees Moon for first time
• Movie Maven notices that Kate Winslet is a whore
• My country is better than your whole fucking continent!
• Nazi Time Traveller Arrested
• New Potter title: HARRY POTTER AND THE DEADLY FATAL MURDER DEATH
• New law stops pedophiles by banning children
• New penis developer 'a success'
• Notorious vampire Vinokourov expelled from Tour de France
• Papal proclamation to procure profit for prophet
• Political Leaders Agree To Lose Height As An Economy Measure
• Pope's Exorcist Squads to Wage War on Satan
• Pope Benedict's Facebook Account Hacked By Protestants
• Pope John-Paul II announces candidacy for President
• Pope Mr Benedict Ratzinger XVI goes head to head with the Malaysian government
• Pope visits Brazilian drug "clinic"
• Praying pilot jailed
• Pregnant women to be given £200 for weed
• Puffins being spied on by MI6
• Putin Sets Disco Floor, Georgia Alight
• Queen of England backs Fake £1 Coins
• Rafael Nadal Thinks He Disappointed Millions By Losing French Open
• Rain falls on United Kingdom
• Random Outcry as Young Boy Sneezes On David Cameron
• Rasmussen: "I didn't know weed was forbidden as well."
• Ravers run toystores for Aqua Dots
• Ronaldo Sells His Body To Real Madrid
• Royal protester eats Fergie
• Russel Brand offends some Spaniard
• Russia "Hopes To Win Gold" In Country Invading at 2008 Olympics
• Russian man blows self up after train inspectors notice porn magazines
• Satanic front group convenes in Vienna
• Savage Butter Knife Murderer Strikes Again
• Scientists build thought-controlled wheelchair
• Scientists discover ten new planets
• Scientists invent a giant donut
• Scotland Yard smashes people smuggling network
• Sea Shanties Get Modern Makeover
• Serbian babies need their bottle
• Serial killer known as "Internet" now caught thanks to victim's brother's hint, trial to be held
• Shopping assistants aspire to become serial killers
• Silverjet sacks entire workforce
• Simon Cowell Takes On The Mouse
• Singer John Martyn Dies After Collision With Solid Air
• Sir Alan Sugar Reveals New Line Up For Apprentice
• Slow news day forces publication of story about supernatural beings in Brighton
• Sochi announced as 2014 Winter Olymics host, many confused
• Solvent abuse amongst Jewish Teens increases
• Song Contest result spawns new separatism all over Western Europe
• Soviet war machine marches ever forward as allies argue about golf
• Spanish Book Recall (They're Made in China)
• Sport - Germany vs Soviet Union
• Squirrel army invades Germany
• Sticky Tape the Source of X-rays
• Suicidal babies cause cough medicine to be withdrawn from shelves
• Survey shows children don’t know where meat comes from. We show them.
• Survey suggests likely surge in burglaries
• Suspected Terror Strike Shuts Down IKEA Amsterdam
• Swiss man denies Thai king insult
• TV Series The Wire Threatens Nothing Short of Middle Classes Extinction
• TZOD UPDATE: UK struck
• Take That to melt down Brit award into gun and shoot Robbie Williams
• Telescope Views Infant in Outer Space
• Terror 'Mr Fixit' released after comment on BBC website claims he is innocent
• Terrorists destroy pie factory
• Tesco in chicken welfare reforms
• The Big Dono Show turns out to be UFO Spectacle
• The Large Hadron Collider has gone missing.
• The county of Gloucestershire is “utterly useless” says committee
• The poet's financial report
• Third Coming of Jesus Christ Prophesised!
• Third Reich promises crackdown on "Kikes 'n Commies"
• This week in dead people (January 2nd to 9th, 2009)
• Typhoid Marry! TB Carrier and Wife's First Kiss
• U.K. Home Office unveils the new Niqāb
• UK to bury nuclear waste
• UK under attack from snow
• Uh... No news
• UnNews announces launch of UnValentine’s Day
• Unknown User declared bat fuck insane
• Vatican's daily newspaper admits that Santa Claus is bigger than Jesus Christ
• Vatican declares Bruce Springsteen "God's first prophet in 1400 years"
• Vatican reponds to Alberti controversy, with Concert!
• Virgin Shark gives birth to Aquatic Messiah
• Vladimir Putin is "so gay," says President Bush
• Wales Blocks Google
• We're all gonna die!
• Welsh angered at holy sheep slaughter ruling
• White people gone wild
• Who's set for the Glastonbury gig?
• Wikipedia invades
• Wikipoodia goes down the pan?
• William Wallace Wins Glasgow East
• Wood cut-out sold for $58,000
• World's unluckiest drug dealers arrested
• World War III begins as Switzerland invades Liechtenstein; US Army Secretary resigns
• World food shortage update: "I am to blame" admits Prescott
• World to be destroyed in August by powerful World Smasher
• Writing this gave me a paper cut
• Yanukovych: "Yuschenko iz t3h ghey"
• Zimbabwe's Mugabe claims to have won the Euro 2008 championship
• Zimbabwe's Mugabe reunites Led Zeppelin, Robert Plant is not invited
• Zombie Cromwell Dissolves Parliament, Replaces with 'Have Your Say', 'Comment Is Free' Regulars