UnNews:Exclusive interview with Satan, big fan of Uncyclopedia

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13 August 2006

Editor's Note: UnNews crack (smoking?) engineers have fondled our UnCanninator, a device which enables us to interview those who've passed beyond the veil, into a configuration such that we've been able to contact someone a bit more tricky than some dead guy...

Satan Claus left us this last Christmas, as a token of his admiration for UnNews

BANK OF THE RIVER STYX, Hades -- UnNews is pleased to bring you another exclusive interview with persons of note. Today Satan has graced us with his time and thoughts.

zim: "Joining us in our studio away from studio, the TMH or Technicolour Motor Home today is Satan, Prince of Hell, Fallen Archangel, descendent of Prometheus, the Great Deceiver, and nemesis of Jesus, Mohammed, and all the Prophets. Welcome to our digs, dude.
Satan: "Thanks, it's always a pleasure to hang with you, Rev zim. Did you catch that new series on PBS last night about philosophy?"
zim: "Yeah, the one with Seneca and Montaigne, it was great. I never used to care much for the classics, but this guy puts it into a new light for me, makes it more accessable."
Satan: "Yeah, anything by PBS rocks. While I'm here, I want to plug my latest work. Micheal Jackson is taking a whole new tack."
zim: "Heh heh, judging by those implanted knockers he's got, I'd say his kids will be in therapy for life."
Satan: "Hah hah, Micheal has never let me down. Evil hasn't had a run like this since the Middle Ages."
Satan's latest handiwork. He's such a card, that guy.
zim: "Have you seen the Satii template in Uncyclopedia yet? I did it as a tribute to you."
Satan: "With that ass kissing attitude, you'll never get to Hell."
zim: "Well, I'd say that's probably a good thing."
Satan: "You know, philosophy has had it's fun with this too. Don't you think, maybe all the people who go to Heaven are probably the same kind of git you've spend most of your life avoiding?"
zim: "You mean like, Holy Roller types, or vain, arrogant putzes, people like that?"
Satan: "Exactly! But this is nothing new, really. Oh! Did I tell you I'm getting an AC Cobra?"
zim: "I heard they were making Cobra's again."
Satan: "Yeah, in Malta, of all places. The body is carbon fiber, and it's light enough to be picked up by one guy. And, about 400 horsepower."
zim: "Jesus!"
Satan: "Yeah, I was also going to say, there;s a hell of a lot more Jesii in Uncyclopedia than Satii. What's the deal with that?"
zim: "Prince of Darkness, buddy... what can I say? The ways of the Uncyclopedia Cabal are mysterious."
Satan: "Ah, right the cabal which does not exist. You guys are fucked up, you know that? I mean, there's articles which scare the shit out of Me, for Christ's sake."
zim: "Some listeners, and by some I mean myself, are dying to know, are you behind the Mormons? I mean, even Zombie Jesus couldn't come up with such whacked out shit."
Satan: "Yeah, the Mormons, and L Ron Hubbard, two of my favorites. They actually make things interesting around here."
zim: "How's that?"
Reverend zim_ulator drives the UnCanninator, UnNews' own gateway to the land of the dead, and Hell too.
Satan: "Well, just last week I had Mormons and Scientologists working on a film for our Indies Festival. They came up with the most insane plot, it was so cool! Can you imagine, Mormon moles in the IRS and Treasury Department, funneling money and Russian state secrets to the Sea Org, in an all out effort to blow up the planet and get a right rogering from Xemu."
zim: (laughing) "What about the Brits?"
Satan: "Oh, well, they just suck. There's no aspect of Hell's tortures which fase a dry-witted, Englishman. Nothing bothers them except losing football matches, and even then, hooliganism is fun and games for a UKer."
zim: "How about John Edward?"
Satan: "Man, that fucker has one slick racket going. I hear he gets $300 a seat for his show... amazing!"
zim: "You're saying he's a fake? That he's hustling poor deluded people into believing he's talking with their dead relatives?"
Satan: "No, you said that. Are you kidding? At his rates he can afford Harvard lawyers."
zim: "Any thoughts on the whole psychic thing?"
Satan: "It kind of pisses me off that these people are making such huge profits on the back of human misery, and I'm stuck here in the Underworld with no pay, no benefits, surrounded by incompetent staff. Say, that's not unlike Uncylopedia. Heh heh."
zim: "We need to wrap up, so, Satan, any hints for our listeners about how to avoid eternal hell fire and damnation?"
Satan: "Strangely enough, Pastor Fred Phelps at Westboro Baptist Church is onto the one true way to God and the heavenly hereafter. He's really taken with nutcases in general, and these people are top of the list wankers. God has a special place in His heart for Fred and his minions... wink, wink... nudge, nudge..."
zim: "Thank you Satan, for taking time out of your busy schedule to speak with us today."
Satan: "You're welcome, it was more fun than an autopsy. Now, if you'll exuse me -- BILLY!"
Billy Mays: "Coming, honey!"


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