UnNews:Freddie Flintoff: "Smoke 'em if you got 'em"

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11 November 2006

Get a fat one in your gob: Freddie Flintoff yesterday

PERTH, Australia, GNN (GOANNA NEWS NETWORK) -- ENGLAND cricket star Andrew "Freddie" Flintoff yesterday revealed the secret of his cricketing success -- sucking down on a great big stogie every chance he gets.

All-rounder Flintoff, 32, who took to the Australian Test team with both bat and ball during last year's Ashes series, making them look every inch the brittle-egoed suburban yobbos they are, said that cigar smoke helped clear his mind and reinvigorate his lungs.

"There's nothing like a hearty drag on a big, plump Cohiba to get you thinking straight," Flintoff said, chopping the end off a fat one with a solid gold cigar clipper. "Only a churl would bite end off one of these," he added.

"It's great for your aerobic fitness too. Scientific studies have shown that smoking increases your blood pressure and heart rate, just like jogging, only smoking is easier and you're less likely to spill your pint."

The strapping Lancastrian said he had tried to interest his teammates in smoking, with little success.

"Kevin (skunk-headed South African batsman Kevin Pietersen) smokes a bit, but usually from a little glass pipe, which is just a bit too fiddly for me," Flintoff said.

Flintoff said England was confident of retaining the Ashes, despite having been thrashed yesterday by a team of superannuated fatties and 16-year-old unknowns selected by Australian Prime Minister John Howard.

"No worries, as you antipodeans say," Flintoff said, expelling a wad of phlegm that made the English team's spitoon ring like Bow Bells. "She'll be right."