UnNews:God fails at Club Penguin

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22 July 2010

SAO PAOLO, Brazil -- God, being Lord of the Universe and All Creation, is no stranger to beta testing and is regularly asked to participate in the development of new video games. As such, He was not surprised when He was approached by Disney Interactive Studios to test their upcoming new release, Club Penguin:Game Day. However, He may well be feeling surprised at just how much He has been shown to suck at it.

Club Penguin:Game Day is based on the highly popular MMPORG Club Penguin, which enjoys membership figures equal to the total number of girls with Internet access aged between eight and fourteen in the entire world (and groomers). The video game version, intended for the Nintendo Wii, is based on the MMPORG but rather than emphasis on interaction with large numbers of other uses requires up to four players to work together as a team in order to complete challenges. Each successfully completed challenge earns the penguin avatars to colonise a new section of island, with the aim being to eventually conquer the island in its entirety.

However, Disney's developers reported yesterday that God has been experiencing a range of problems with the game. "People tend to assume that as a divine being and the Creator, God is going to be fairly intelligent," says senior software engineer Hinekasi Tasheki, one of Disney's most experienced games experts, "but He isn't, really. Think about it - He may have invented the entire Universe and all things within it, but since He has omnipotent power there was no need for Him to understand the processes involved. He just waved His mighty hand and said "let there be such-and-such" and, lo!, there it was. Ask Him to build you a solar system and yeah, He can do the job - but ask Him to explain the non-Keplerian orbits of any eccentric planetesimals floating about in that solar system and the guy's totally out of His depth."

Now Brazilian scientists claim they've found proof of God's epic fail - 530 dead penguins washed up on Sao Paulo beaches. Miguel Cortez, professor of Rio de Janeiro University, picks up the story: "Like a lot of gamers, God is a bit up Himself at times and hates to admit it when He gets beaten - in fact, with His reputation you can kind of forgive Him if He has a little prima donna moment once in a while. But hey - 530 dead penguins is a lot of dead penguins. You suck big time, God. Pwnt!"

Unfortunately, it's not just a simple matter of recruiting a new beta tester to replace Him. Disney spokeswoman Marion Carrolgees explains: "Being the Decent, All-American Family Company™ that we are, we naturally thought God would totally own this game. That meant we needed to recruit an adversary with the ability to play against Him and there was only entity up to the task - the Adversary, Satan himself. We didn't foresee any problems at the time, but now God is out of the game Satan has been free to conquer the island and transform his penguin avatars into demonic minions. Of course, we can't be held in any way responsible for allowing Satan to gain a foothold on Earth in this way and should it prove to usher in the Apocalypse then so be it - we can afford much better lawyers than you, so deal with it."

Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists and lefties across the Internet are going wild with speculation from their bedrooms in their mothers' basements. "I cannot believe Disney didn't intend this to happen," says Herb Jackson of Memphis, Tennessee. "We all know Disney have been inserting subliminal messages into their films and other products, for example the bit in Pocahontas when the clouds spell out "Behold our Dark Master and Vote Republican." We just can't rule out the possibility that their intention all along was to allow Satan to do this and, as a result, make way for the Final Battle."

Down on Sao Paolo beach, local resident Geraldo Santa Maria is relatively unconcerned. "Usually we get annoyed by these gringo companies damaging our land and culture, but I have to admit this tastes a lot better than those cagado Big Macs they sell at the last Yankee firm to inflict itself on us," he says, through a mouthful of barbecued penguin.

Now that truly is sad.