UnNews:Huckabee steps in it again

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6 March 2011

Would you want anyone like this running the country? America's news media didn't think so.

BUGTUSTLE, Arkansas -- Mike Huckabee has done put his foot in it again, according to all the objective national wire services.

They report that Southern Baptist minister turned Governor of Arkansas turned former Presidential candidate about to turn future Presidential candidate has just said something only a moron would say.

Huckabee, appearing with Seattle radio host Michael Medved on Monday, criticized Oscar-winning single mother Natalie Portman. "It's troubling that these starlets boast of having children out of wedlock and doing just fine," said Huckabee. "Well, not many single moms make millions every year for being in a movie." No one in the UnNews newsroom could understand what Huckabee meant by this obvious slur toward a woman who looks good in everything from a space suit to a Butch cut. Many believe that Medved secretly also wishes Portman would burn in Hell.

A publicist for Portman, contacted for a response, would only say, "Natalie really is doing just fine."

The same day, Huckabee was interviewed by New York City radio host Steve Malzberg and described President Obama as "growing up in Kenya," by way of explaining why he packed up the bust of Churchill in the White House and shipped it back to the U.K. Obama, of course, actually grew up in Indonesia, where he studied U.S. history and civics, and thus harbors no ill will at all toward America's allies.

Cable television dropped the civil war in Egypt all week to conduct a round-table on the future verbal direction of America.

Pulitzer Prize-winning journalists interviewed by this news source confirmed that Malzberg is "another knuckle-dragging tea-bagger." On the possibility that Monday was just a bad day for Huckabee, one such expert replied, "Do you want the President having 'a bad day'? With his hairy finger on the nucular button, and all?"

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Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin was contacted by telephone and asked what she thinks, that Huckabee might be threatening her niche as a politician who commits a mortifying verbal faux pas every odd-numbered day. Regrettably, Palin, another putative Presidential candidate, hung up the phone on this caller.

At America's trusted reference site, Wikipedia, the hamsters are running at double-time to chronicle each of Huckabee's missteps--although you still can't find any evidence there that Joe Biden told a wheelchair-bound veteran to "stand up and take a bow" or said that Iraq should be split in three on sectarian lines.[1]

Associated Press, for its part, threw in a mention of Dan Quayle, the American Vice President who was incapable of spelling the simplest of popular vegetables. Quayle, like Huckabee, criticized a movie star for glamorizing the single parenthood that should be every young American's birthright.

  1. Yes, you can. This last statement is complete crap--but, as Dan Rather once said about a forgery, the point it makes is very, very valid.