UnNews:Indeed, Quvenzhané Wallis is a cunt
26 February 2013
We at UnNews would like to put aside our differences with our competitor The Onion and agree with them on the point that Quvenzhané Wallis, the 9-year-old child actress who was up for an Academy Award for her role in Beasts of the Southern Wild, is indeed a cunt.
Unfortunately, they lost their temporarily high level of testosterone when everyone made a stink at the hard truth blown into their faces, prompting them to remove the tweet and apologize the following day. Meanwhile, contrary to our fiercest competition, we refuse to retract or shy away from a flippin' thing:
First of all, what's with the unpronounceable name? "Kwuh-ven-zhuh-nay." If your name is harder to say than Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, you don't deserve to be famous. It's actually a horrendously contrived portmanteau that slaps you in the face. It pretentiously begins with "Quven", her parents' names being spliced together, and ends with zhané, which means "fairy" in Swahili. As if I need another reminder that I was nicknamed "Queen Fairy" in school. Yet another case of life giving you the finger. She almost wins an Oscar and I almost lose a testicle from the copious amount of wedgies. With such a goofy name, she should get down on her knees and thank God she was born a black girl. Yeah, I went there. If Seth MacFarlane can be racist without so much as a "boo", then so can I.
Less superficially, I don't think she wasn't even that good in the movie, at least not enough for all the praise being poured. I fell asleep in the theater attempting to watch this confusing, depressing piece of crap, hurting my chances of moving up the ladder out of this hell hole to becoming a film critic. Some teenage boy with acne poked me with a flashlight because my snoring was disturbing the rest of the audience. It was a surprisingly erotic experience that I'm not ready to deal with yet.
From what I did see, I could probably give an acceptable summary of the plot. Something about a poverty-stricken girl named Hushpuppy - because that's much less of a ridiculous name - living in a Louisiana island community called "Bathtub" - no comment. Soon a storm destroys her mobile home, leaving her and her sick father "Wink" riding on a boat looking for survivors and she has to suck a smashed crab at some point and blah blah blah. I suppose the visuals were beautiful and stunning, although touching myself wasn't nearly as enjoyable as it was during Avatar. Overall, I'm baffled at why anyone should care about Quvenzhané "Hushpuppy" Wallis.
If she were so fantastic in Beasts of the Southern Wild, why did she lose the Academy Award for Best Actress to Jennifer Lawrence? We could have achieved world peace by hearing a touching Oscar acceptance speech from a 9-year-old girl, but instead we got some 22-year-old bimbo stumbling over three stairs like a drunken fool. This is who is superior to you in the eyes of the Academy, Cuntpuppy: The daughter from The Bill Engvall Show. You should feel half as sick as I do.
Many readers will think I'm crossing a line with my harsh critique of this young actress; that I'm unfairly venting some inner rage in her direction, but you're only half-correct. I turn 50 next year and what do I have to show for my half-century on this Earth? A failed career in journalism and a dead-in job cleaning up monkey poop at some wiki no one reads. Meanwhile, this cute little girl is nominated in the freaking Oscars. An expensive orgasmic ceremony celebrating the supposed greatness of the modern day gods and goddesses who walk among us, hosted by some douchebag far more successful than he should be for making fart jokes in cartoons. If I want to call her a cunt out of sheer jealously, that's my prerogative. Unlike the smug writers at The Onion, I have no self-respect, nor do I have anything to lose. Cunts.