UnNews:Kettle color irrelevant, pot is an asshole

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This column is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-eyeblink misinformation. And by "misinformation", we mean "the truth."


19 May 2010

Uses only Satan-approved medication.

If there ever was a case of the pot calling the kettle black, it is the faux outrage expressed by Rush Limbaugh over comments in Barack Obamas first physical as president; specifically, a recommendation that the President drink moderately. From this, we are told by the likes of Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and their ilk at Fox News, the American people are to deduce that Barack Obama is an alcoholic.

Of course, in this great land of ours, where it is considered treasonous to label George W. Bush a moron, yet at the same time, it's OK for some to call Obama a Nazi/Socialist/Elitist, mostly-Republican-and-Libertarian, white-trash-redneck-intellectual, Teabag-partiers are so enmeshed in their Judeo-Christian, white supremecist, self-important dream world, that the yawning gaps which we critical thinkers perceive between truth and idealism of any sort [1] appears to their hindsighted vision as an affront against God, Jesus and country.

The events I've described above took place around March first this year. It occurs to me, as Chief Janitorial Servicing Editor and a disreputable UnJournalist, that at a major news publication such as UnNews, articles should be "fresh" and topical. Thus far, this article has been neither.

Which leads me to what I'm really pissed off about; shitty marijuana. Why is there weak-assed pot being distributed in this, the greatest nation on Earth? Obviously, Jesus is on our side and God loves us. Does he only love the white Protestant marijuana-abstainer, or are we consumers of a mellow high, relief from nausea, or just a little plain relaxation on the Big Guys ka-ka list?

Where does all this ditch weed come from?

It may well come from a random ditch, where some casual smokers threw some seeds and nature took its course. I refuse to believe that some assholes are out there deliberately growing bad smoke. Perhaps it's just that there are a large number of growers who have no idea what they're doing.

Whatever the problem, will you people please just fix it? Congress has been yammering a lot lately about "what the American people want". Those jackasses don't have a clue. The American people, like people everywhere, want a decent lifestyle. What we don't want is to get boned. No dimwits in government, No expensive cell phones that suck, no crappy cars that get less than 70 miles to the gallon (it's been proven possible. I don't have a reference, so piss off), and no harsh, green lung death, please.

It's legal, pretty much
Propaganda poster falsely implying that marijuana is less dangerous than crack.

Well, in at least 14 states there are various quantities of marijuana that may be possessed legally, under the right circumstances. Federal laws, God bless their hearts, are still holding fast to the idea that there is a "war on drugs". Although our president seems to be pretty mellow about weed, laws themselves remain cut and dried against the basic liberty to control our own conciousness.

Liquor is an exception, of course. It took violent revolt and near-unanimous contempt for the Prohibition laws of the 1920s to teach us the folly of standing between a man and his beer. And what is beer anyway? It began thousands of years ago as a relatively safe food with a low alcohol content (alcohol, for those of you who slept through basic sciences, is an excellent preservative), a monumental discovery which has served our species well down through the ages. Suddenly some religious nuts want to control everyones behavior, and we get the Prohibition.

And what is weed, anyway? To some it's medicine, and to others, recreational. In either case, so what? I can alter my conciousness with alcohol, pharmaceuticals, and any substance the DEA hasn't gotten wise to yet, so why not weed? Simple propaganda.

The idea has been impressed upon those in power that marijuana is a dangerous drug. Any critical thinker with a mind can divine the truth of this situation simply bo correlating the data themselves. Ask anyone who has used marijuana, even once, if it's dangerous like, say Oxycontin, and I guarantee the number of affirmative respondents would be negligible.

The point

The point is, it's legal enough, and in enough places, that growers ought to have enough self respect to grow a decent crop. It's not as though you need to set up a huge farm-sized operation to make money, either. What? You want to make lots of money fast? Come on, you guys are thinking like drug dealers. The bad kind.

So listen up, pot growers of America and Canada; stop growing crap or I'll find you. After I finish smoking this bowl. Maybe.


  1. ATTENTION MORONS, Liberal, Conservative and otherwise: this is your cue to stop wasting your time reading this because there's lots of big words you couldn't understand with two hands and a flashlight. That's you too, college graduates. Just because you went to school, you don't get a free pass.


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