UnNews:Kirk Cameron warns 1980s entertainers of impending death: "You're next, Michael Gross!"

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8 August 2009

Hi, I'm Kirk Cameron. Remember me?
WARNING: This column is written for, and addressed to, 1980s entertainers only. People of other decades probably won't comprehend the looming danger or see anything to be concerned about. Also, no hippies. No housewives. No jazz musicians, except for maybe Herbie Hancock. No hula hoops. No Ward Cleavers or Ozzie Nelsons. No grunge bands. No boy bands, either...and don't even get me started about that "Chocolate Rain" guy.

(Editorial distorted, re-worded, parodied, and reprinted here without the express written permission of Mr. Cameron. However, we did obtain permission from James Cameron, who didn't seem to give a shit.)

HI, HOW are you? I'm Kirk Cameron. You may remember me as that troublemaking douche Mike Seaver on the 1980s TV sitcom Growing Pains. But you should also know that I am a devout Christian, and I have a special message to deliver to the world.

This beautiful world has recently lost You Can't Do That on Television legend Les Lye and 1980s teen movie giant John Hughes. These recent years have also seen the deaths of Robert Palmer, Ronald Reagan, Alex Trebek's moustache, Breakfast Club principal Paul Gleason, Falco, Richard Pryor, Rick James, Sinbad, and whatever respect I had for Ben Stein. This year alone saw the deaths of Pat Hingle, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson, Estelle Getty and Bea Arthur, and Bill Murray.

This is God's way of saying, "Hey! The '80s are over!" These dated deaths are not over, you're next Michael Gross! This message goes out to all '80s entertainers of any medium: If you value your dear life and want to evade the 1980s Death Purge of 2009, then I strongly advise you to seek shelter now or you'll be deader than your careers! I'm looking at you — Michael Keaton, Darryl Hall, John Oates, Rick Moranis, Bronson Pinchot, Mark-Linn Baker, that bastard Alan Thicke, John Goodman, Tom Arnold, David Lee Roth, Sammy Hagar, Tom Selleck, Bruce Campbell, Thomas F. Wilson, Crispin Glover, Mark Goodman, Phil Collins, Kevin Bacon, Don Johnson, Huey Lewis, Ray Parker Jr., Judge Reinhold, Sean Penn, John Cusack, Peter Gabriel, Molly Ringwald, Anthony Michael Hall, Joe Piscopo, Rockwell, Billy Ocean, Rick Astley, Rick Springfield, ZZ Top, Steve Winwood, John Stamos, that guy from the Buggles with the goofy glasses, Devo, ...I think I just named everybody, so correct me if I missed anybody. Oh yeah, Bryan Adams, Dan Aykroyd, and Harold Ramis. That about does it. Dammit, I forgot Jerry Van Dyke. And Dick Van Patten. And Neil Patrick Harris.

We can no longer live in denial. We've had a lot of shit happen lately — We can never again have a president named George Bush. We can no longer stand to watch Cosby Show reruns on TV Land. Because Roseanne simply isn't funny anymore, except for that episode in which Becky cut the cheese. Stop trying to milk your has-beenism by doing some über-shitty reality show on VH1, Scott Baio. No more Lost Boys sequels, Corey Haim and Corey Feldman. No more 80s horror remakes, though I'm intrigued at the thought of Jackie Earle Haley playing Freddy Krueger. Copyright holders should take refuge before the world is washed away of Mario, Charles in Charge, Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees, Chucky, Rubik's Cubes, keytars, and the ultra-mellow music of Christopher Cross.

Don't believe me? Check out what my fellow 1980s cohorts had to say:

You're next Michael Gross!

“Kirk Cameron is full of shit!”

~ Howard Hesseman on 1980s entertainment death purge

“I've still got a career, dammit! I'm the voice of Patrick Star!”

~ Bill Fagerbakke on being an '80s star when he played Dauber on Coach

“My career is dead, does that count?”

~ Rick Moranis on 1980s entertainment death purge

“I'm not dead, dammit!”

~ Sinbad

“I'm 47, married, washed up, and the last time I was on TV was on Vh1. Kirk Cameron was right!”

~ Scott Baio

“Great Scott!”

~ Christopher Lloyd on the gospel of Kirk Cameron

“Whatchootalkinabout, Willis?”

~ Gary Coleman on Kirk Cameron's nonsense

“I was the Asian guy in Sixteen Candles, and I was alive yesterday. I think I'm still alive.”

~ Gedde Watanabe

You see? Every little thing about the '80s is crushing down, and the 1980s Entertainment Death Purge is coming, so be warned. Also be sure you go to your local video store and see if they have my latest movie, Left Behind 8 co-starring Pat Robertson and Vanilla Ice.

Good night, God bless, and go retro if you dare.


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