UnNews:LEGOland train derails killing 7 plastic people

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13 September 2012

Captain Billybob Joe One-Eye aka Pirate Bob, the train's conductor.

LEGOLand -- As LEGOLand braced for a difficult, days-long cleanup of overturned train cars and smashed LEGO vehicles after a Wednesday train derailment that is responsible for the death of at least 7 plastic people and injuring others, LEGOLand security personnel were working hard behind the scenes on a cover-up.

In the aftermath of the crash, LEGOLand security was controlling media reports of the accident. "Security prevented me from taking photos and wanted me to delete them from my camera, which made me want to take more," wrote Tom Allen on Twitter. Mr. Allen has not been heard from since, and was last seen being repeatedly zapped with a TASER by LEGOLand security.

After Allen's disappearance, several other families of the non-deceased came forward to say they have also not heard from their relatives since the day of the accident. The media has jumped on the cover-up and labeled it "LEGOgate".[1]

Professor Smith of the Block University is an accident investigator for LEGOTown and has been sent to investigate the accident. So far, his findings suggest that the train's operator, Captain Billybob Joe One-Eye - his friends call him Pirate Bob - became intoxicated on copious amounts of Brickardi 151 while operating the train. "Accidents happen quickly. Investigations take a great deal of time," said Professor Smith.

A bootleg photo of the accident's aftermath.

LEGOLand has had its share of disasters. A few years ago, an entire area known as The Castle System completely disappeared, later to be magically replaced by new structures which were referred to as Kingdoms, and earlier this year Hogwarts Castle was obliterated by an angry 4-year-old. So, as you can see, the train accident is a horrible tragedy for a country that has been plighted with disaster after disaster.

Several witnesses (the ones that have yet to disappear) have stated that seven plastic people were crushed to death in the accident, while several other LEGO people lost limbs. One anonymous witness was quoted as having said, "It was awful... I could hear their plastic shells cracking. The sound reminded me of cracking an egg when making breakfast. There were small pieces of people all over."

Brick Hospital medical personnel said that due to the fact that LEGO people all look alike[2], it was nearly impossible to reunite injured victims with their original limbs.

One man, who identified himself as Bonezai, a ninja, had his hand removed at the wrist and emergency workers couldn't locate it. Bonezai says that he spent the better part of the day trying to pick out a new one at the local LEGO Super Store before he finally found one that suited him. He hopes that he will be able to recover the full range of motion in all of his limbs, even though there is only a small amount of LEGO people have to begin with.


  1. Twitter hashtag #LEGOgate
  2. Is that just a little racist of them?