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Friday, March 24, 2017, 04:28 (UTC)
Prof sues law school for bias against conservatives
IOWA CITY, Iowa -- In a counterpoint to Sandra Fluke, the graduate student who famously claimed her Catholic university had to buy her birth-control pills, a conservative has now sued a left-wing law school claiming it must make her a professor. Teresa Wagner, a leading candidate at the University of Iowa law school, didn't get the teaching position she interviewed for. But one job wasn't filled at all and one was given to a goat. Wagner says she was blackballed because the school found out she was a conservative. Conservatives are often passed over for prestigious jobs as executives and statesmen. These jobs mostly go to African Americans wearing dashikis and speaking English wrong. Full story»

Entire UK population asks itself why it did nothing about Savile despite hearing the rumours
LONDON, United Kingdom -- The entire population of the United Kingdom must ask itself "serious questions" and explain to itself why it said nothing to the authorities about Sir Jimmy Savile despite the persistent rumours and stories about him being "into" underage girls that every single one of them had talked and joked about during his time as a television celebrity and following his passing. Full story»
Democrats preemptively explain poor Biden debate
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Members of the U.S. Democratic Party are "avoiding the last-minute rush" (as it inexplicably says on passport applications), and have begun explaining away the poor debate performance by Vice President Joe Biden in his debate against Paul Ryan next Thursday. Al Gore blamed President Obama's poor debate performance on poor hydration combined with the high altitude in Denver, but altitude would seem to be off the table, as Thursday's Vice Presidential debate will be held in Kentucky, which is "putt-near" at sea level. Full story»

Chavez plays down "crush you all" comment
CARACAS, Venezuela -- Newly re-elected President of Venezuela and famous Chav Hugo Chavez attempted to calm fears after he was inadvertently recorded on a microphone as saying "Y a ustedes... hijos de puta... les aplastaré a todos" ("And as for you... sons of bitches... I will crush you all.") Initially government sources sought to deny any rumours of such an utterance, then when uploads of the footage began surfacing on YouTube, they claimed it was malevolent US propaganda. His rambling and at times incoherent speech seemed to revolve around the idea that he was threatening to "crush" all cockroaches in the country. Full story»
Pete Best gets hammered as Love Me Do turns 50
LIVERPOOOL, England -- Mop-topped-rapscallion-Scouse-pop-combo The Beatles released their first hit single, Love Me Do 50 years ago today, and the infamous "fifth member" of the Fab Four, Pete Best, celebrated in his hometown by drinking neat Vodka from the bottle. Fans who couldn't be bothered to make any other kind of pilgrimage to a grave or a mansion in California and had been hanging around outside his home saw Best through the net curtains of his living room window sitting in his underpants gluing pictures of himself onto the cover of The Beatle's seminal album, Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. Full story»
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Special! Horoscopes election guide!

  • Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Libra requires balance in life. So you have to vote for both Obama and Romney. There are ways.
  • Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Scorpio, being dark and evil, enjoys torturing animals. Romney gives dogs rides on top of his car. Obama eats them. Vote for Obama.

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This day in 2016
TV Highlights
March 24


Itsy-Bitsy 2: Up the Spout Again Movie
HBO 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Second installment of HBO's acclaimed dramatic reimagining of the popular children's ditty about the intrepid arachnid.


Stoned Lawyer Drama
CBS 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Dave delivers a totally gnarly closing argument.


Joy Hour Religion
TBN 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Up and coming pastors ask for financial support in exchange for joy.