UnNews:Margaret Thatcher tragically dies 30 years too late
8 April 2013
The former Prime Minister, who set about dismantling the working class by selling houses to the richer ones and forcing the poorer ones to stop digging for coal and starve to death, passed away peacefully after being gently laid upon a catapult and lovingly fired into the mouth of the River Thames.
Former adversary and union leader Arthur Scargill, told Channel 4: "It's cold bloody comfort. If she'd died in the 80s, before we shut down all our fucking mines, maybe that would have been something to celebrate, but today, well, I don't know, it's like when we killed Osama bin Laden or Saddam Hussein."
"What was it that Martin Luther King said? 'I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy.' What? He didn't say that? Oh bollocks, I've been quoting him on that for ages."
Mrs Thatcher's death comes as something of a shock after a heart transplant in 2012 had apparently rejuvenated her and created a potentially dangerous mutant. However, much like Dolly the sheep, the genetically galvanised Thatcher soon developed arthritis and began to age prematurely.
Baroness Thatcher's opponent in the Falklands War, Leopoldo Galtieri, said: "This is great news. Is what I would have said 32 years ago. Don't get me wrong, I am glad she is rotting in the ground, but I wish she'd copped it back in the good old days. You know, when Julio Iglesias was in the charts and Enrique Iglesias wasn't."
Instead of the normal state funeral, Britons are set to commemorate Thatcher's death by building bonfires and burning effigies of the former Conservative leader, but the general feeling is that the celebration will not as be as energetic as it would have been had it been held around the time of the poll tax riots.
Sociologist Joanna Corey explained, "Alternative comedians have been begging for the death of Baroness Thatcher for years, but now it's finally come, it's all a bit of a damp squib. It's probably how Iraqis will feel in a few years time when George W. Bush kicks the bucket."
Key Points in Baroness Thatcher's Life
- 1925 - found in vegetable patch in Lincolnshire.
- 1940 - discovers a Nazi pilot who has crashed into local field. Loses virginity to him, then shoots him dead.
- 1950 - starts serving time as junior Tory party member, campaigning for safe Labour seats and fellating senior Conservatives.
- 1959 - rewarded with seat in safe constituency; becomes Britain's first ginger MP.
- 1970 - made health secretary and is hailed, "Margaret Thatcher, Milk Snatcher" for her tendency to wrench milk from the hands of undernourished school children and drink it herself voraciously.
- 1975 - becomes leader of the Conservative party after defeating William Whitelaw in pig's blood drinking contest.
- 1979 - wins General Election by pretending to be a woman.
- 1980 - speaks out against increasing demand for heterosexual sodomy in the UK with famous "the lady's not for turning" speech.
- 1981 - begins rich phone sex affair with Ronald Regan.
- 1982 - declares desire to smash Britain's unions and create new classless nation made up entirely of 'homeowners' and 'chavs'.
- 1983 - is re-elected as Prime Minister after sweeping the United Kingdom to an emotional victory to preserve the sovereignty of the beautiful, albeit oily Falkland Islands.
- 1984 - survives IRA's attempt on her life by swallowing the bomb they had planted at her hotel in Brighton, and letting it explode in her belly like the Hulk would.
- 1985 - has Father Christmas murdered and thrown down a coal mine.
- 1990 - attempts to introduce the Pole Tax, which taxed individuals based on how many Polish people they knew were considered ridiculous, and Thatcher is obliged to stand down.
- 1991-2002 - invites Jimmy Savile to play Chequers every new years eve for 11 years, after she initially misunderstands him, thinking he claims that he knows a thing or two about abusing miners.
- 1998 - is widely believed to have been the force behind son Mark's attempt to lead a revolution in Equatorial Guinea.
- 2001 - suggests Argentina and the IRA had something to do with 9/11.
- 2005 - has to watch Carol eat a kangaroo testicle on I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here!; decides to develop dementia.
- 2005-2012 - "I'm the Prime Minister, you know?" "Where's my purse? I think the nurses are stealing my things." "I didn't mean to put it [an electric kettle] on the stove, I thought it was a gas kettle."
- 2012 - brief rejuvenation after heart transplant does not last.
- 2013 - catapulted into the Thames.