UnNews:Marks&Spencer joins UnNews's campaign to banish old bags from its stores

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28 February 2008

"Get lost! You're not welcome here you old bat! While I'm at it, why are you wearing a coat? Its 96 degrees in the shade for Christs sake!"

LONDON, UK -- HIGH STREET DEPARTMENT STORE Marks & Spencer (M&S) is to ban "smelly unwashed old bags" from cluttering up their stores in a landmark move to fight "those bloody, malingering pensioners who mill about aimlessly for hours only to buy a bag of mints and piss on the floor.".

The company will introduce a blanket ban on "all old ladies over the age of 70" from entering any of its 600 UK food stores. The decision is a major breakthrough for the Unnews campaign to cut the time wasted to younger shoppers by packs of old ladies who often block shop aisles for hours on end muttering inanely about the weather, the price of fish, who has died that day and "pissing on the floor".

Unnews's "Banish the Bags" campaign, launched in 1982, has won massive support from political leaders, academics, environmental campaigners and celebrities. Comedian Les Dennis expressed his own support at the move this morning, "its about time this country did something about these floor pissing parasites."

Les continued, "If I had my way, I would break into their houses and piss on THEIR floor, lets see how THEY like it!"

Dick Cock, of the International Fund for the Abolition of Pissy Hags (IFAPH), summed up the reaction when he said: "Retailers have to take a lead in stopping these legions of old bags who infest our shops with their constant chat about what it was like in 1940 when they couldn't buy bananas or dildos. This is not to mention the huge cost in cleaning up all that piss on the floor."

"Ninety per cent of shoppers in any one city on a Wednesday morning are pissy old hags. That, I'm sure you'll agree, is a horrifying statistic."

M&S has already run highly successful trials of the ban in Northern Ireland and the south-west of England, where there was a huge fall in the number of pissy old bags. Additionally nearly £5 million has been saved in cleaning costs after instances of pissing on shop floors has been "largely restricted to drunken blaggards".

Unnews yesterday fictitiously highlighted the huge waste and annoyance associated with smelly old bags, who are increasingly clogging up and malingering on shop floors across the nation, pontificating on the "state of the youth Today" and pointing out "that nice lovely tea towel" before tutting at the price. An average of more than 800 "old dears" are seen to piss on shop floors every week, at enormous cost to us, the tax payer.

Unnews has been inundated with support for our initiative. Tory leader David Cameron said: "I wholeheartedly back Unnews's campaign to rid shops of these bloody malingering piss-stained old bags".

"It is absolutely vital that we urge all supermarkets and retailers to act responsibly and look at their policy in allowing packs of these bloody women to wonder round their shop with impunity." he added.

"Mable", 78, from Luton, was however less than impressed with the impending ban: "Its a blatant infringement on my human ri ... ooh look isn't that a nice tea-towel...(tut) I can't afford that on my wage."