UnNews:Noah: "change your ways or drown!"

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15 January 2007

Noah's ark, as God envisions it

SALINA, Kansas - Despite its proximity to Ft. Riley, Salina, KS is a quiet town--or, at least, it used to be, before God told Noah Newell to build an ark and to expect a flood.

“The flood,” the latter-day Noah said, “will be of Biblical proportions and will wipe out all life between Denver and St. Louis except me, of course, and my family--Mrs. Newell and our two boys, Cain and Abel.”

The flood represents God’s judgment against sin, Noah declared, citing “loose morals and open, unprotected borders” as the offenses that have offended God. “He’s not too pleased with all the sex and nudity in the movies, either, although he’s okay with the violence.”

Noah said he received word from God six months ago and has been building the ark every weekend since.

“It hasn’t been easy,” his wife, Eva, assured both reporters who attended the family’s press conference. “Gopher wood isn’t easy to come by these days, especially in Salina, Kansas, and cubits differ in length depending on whose forearm is used to measure.”

The couple’s sons have been gathering a male and a female of every plant and animal they can find. “At least, we hope there’s a male and a female of each kind,” Seth said. “Sometimes, it’s hard to tell, and we sure as hell don‘t want to promote homo-sex, even among slugs or snails.”

Reminded of God’s promise not to send another flood to punish humanity, as this pledge is recorded in the book of Genesis and represented by the rainbow, Noah said, “God’s changed his mind, which is his prerogative.”

The actual ark, to date

Does God change his mind? a reporter asked.

“If you’d read the Bible, you’d see that it tells us that God repents. Repents means to change one’s mind, so, yes, God does change his mind from time to time.”

Asked what, if anything, people could do to save themselves, Noah said, “If I were you, I’d be getting to some high ground, maybe the Rockies, although that won’t really help, because if God’s decided to kill you, he’s going to kill you, mountaintops be damned.”

During the week, Noah works at his job, selling resort time shares. During lunch, he hands out fliers that warn recipients to “change your ways or drown!”

Most of his coworkers and neighbors are amused by his actions. One of his fellow employees, Wendy Mills, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “He’s a nutcase, if ever there was one, and if God’s going to drown anybody, it’ll be him and his nutcase family.”

“They laughed at the other Noah, too,” the ark builder said.

The ark is about 1/100th percent built and, at the rate of its construction, should be completed in approximately 299.5 years, Noah estimates, “God willing.”