UnNews:Obituary:Amy Winehouse enters rebirth

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23 July 2011

When it came to the nagging and chronic problem of “death,” Amy Winehouse has finally said, “yes” to rebirth

LONDON, England -- “Amy Winehouse decided to finally enter a Rebirth facility today, after seemingly delirious talks with her record label, management, family, doctors, fans, enemies, and the media ended in deathly silence from her end,” Winehouse's record company, Universal Music Group, said today in a statement to reporters. “She has come to understand that she must actually die to continue her ongoing recovery from death addiction.”

Tuesday, a photo of the British singer apparently trying to hang herself from a coat hanger in a hotel was splashed across the front page of the U.K. tabloid The Snitch. The photo, taken from a 19-minute video whose source The Sun has not revealed as Wikileaks, was accompanied by reports that the “Boo and Hiss” nominated singer had allegedly engaged in a drug binge of cocaine, belladonna, ecstasy, disestablishmentarianism, Valium, helium and crank, all at once. She was so “buzzed” that the buzzing sound was audible from within 12 inches.

And only a week prior to that media rat-finkdom, the whacked-out singer had jumped off the Petronas Twin Towers in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia; although the sincerity of her suicide attempt was held in question due to the fact she had worn and deployed a parachute, which, alone, saved her miserable life.

Winehouse, 24, is perhaps best known for her 2006 hit “Reborn,” in which she wrote about her refusal to die.

Hours after the video was released, however, the singer turned up at the privately run Hatton Nightmare Hospital, accompanied by her father, Mitch, and a bodyguard, both sporting ‘shit-eating-grins’ according to The Times of London. The private loony bin in central London is famous for treating celebrities with death obsessions and necrophobias.

Supermodel Kate Moss was among those who retreated to the mad house when photos of her apparently having dinner on a date with washed up comedian Pee Wee Herman were published by The Daily Mirror, a British tabloid, in September 2005. Moss has since resurrected her modeling career through the simple process of rebirth into a younger, more youthful body, although it will take a few more years before she is mature enough.

So, will Winehouse survive her apparent death, not to mention the unflattering glare of the U.K. tabloid press? Is Winehouse's Life on the Line? Yes it is! And, no, she won’t survive. Because, besides Jesus Christ and Jack Bauer no one can come back from the dead.

In an interview with ABC News, Bryon Gordon, a columnist with The Daily Telegraph, said that her death meant that Winehouse wouldn't “be able to attend the Grammy Awards ceremony this year, because the U.S. authorities are unlikely to recognize her existence, and she has not been invited in any case.”

Still, according to others, the possible refusal of an American visa is the least of Winehouse's problems, with her death being at the top of the list. But the worst of her problems could very well be getting reborn as an ugly nympho Muslim slut in a Pakistani village under the Taliban, or worse, as a believer in Al Gore’s carbon tax hogwash.

Considering that she is already dead, it is safe to assume that she is not coming back in her dead body. But she may be reincarnated already, perhaps in a good family, perhaps in a bad one, perhaps on the right side of the tracks, perhaps on the wrong, perhaps as a human, or perhaps as an animal, perhaps with good karma, or perhaps with bad karma to face. So many “perhaps” that we, at Unnews, call bullshit on the whole story. No one gives a rat’s arse what happened to her, unless she comes back as a fucking zombie.