UnNews:Pathetic fallacy hits UK
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-minute misinformation.
Britain hit by unexpected Pathetic Fallacy
High Pressure front distresses nation
BARBITURATES: Britain is reeling after a day and a night of intense climate personification, UnNews weather terminus Haricote Green reports. The cold front settled over the central part of the midlands, forging an area of high pressure the size of the United Kingdom over the country.
Dr Kelvin Batwhistle of the Schofield Institute in Berkshire spoke: "The weather front formed as warm currents from the Post-Asiatic era collided with a particularly virulent cold south-westerly coming in from the Outer Glans of Norway. The resultant high pressure barrier - which is lying over most of the country - has had some startling effects on recent weather patterns.
These startling effects began at 9:45pm GMT on Wednesday night when the ears of every member of the nation 'popped' simultaneously. It was from here that the current trends developed.
Dr Batwhistle explains: "Pathetic Fallacy is an amazing event to witness in nature, if only because of its acute rarity. It is believed that Dickens may have witnessed it at one time and we are certain that William Shakespeare saw the spectacle during his time in Milan - if you read The Tempest, you'll know that something of that sort cannot be made up.
"The science itself is simple: the climate becomes directly affected by human emotion. So for instance, you won't become annoyed because it's raining; It's raining because you're annoyed..." With that, Dr Batwhistle emmitted a thick smoke, and disappeared amidst sinister green underlighting.
Later, our reporter bespake with several
urchins of the peasantry members of the public on how the weather
had affected their barely-registering
consciousness. Stuart Hales, a pub landlord
from Daventry:"I noticed it on Thursday
morning when I woke up and I couldn't hear
properly. Anyway, It was fairly cloudy during
the day but as I called last orders at night,
I suddenly noticed how odd the clouds looked.
It was raining, but it wasn't raining right.
It was less vertical than normal - like the
sky was drunk or something."
Norman Shaftsbury of Swazilandshirebury told his local paper how - on returning home at lunch and discovering his wife in bed with the postman - his drive back to the office was characterised by a perculiar and abject darkness "like an eclipse, or the middle of the night", and how flowers wilted and died as he walked past them. "I was baffled at the time," he says, "but now it makes sense." Indeed.
Hilda Garfunkel, 65, of Toblerone in Scotland was in heated converse with a group of burberry-clad youths as the pathetic fallacy passed over the north of the country. "I was quite miffed when the lads went for my purse, and got rather angry when they refused to let go. Then I saw a couple of bright flashes - like lightning I suppose - and two of the toughs were sprawled on the floor and screaming, looking like two bubbling giant meat patties. I cheered up quite a bit after that!"
Experts warn that bouts of heavy pathetic fallacy may still get out of hand in particularly deprived and depressed areas of the country after fourteen inches of razorblades fell in just three hours outside a Morrissey concert last night, and students in Huddersfield awoke to find themselves knee-deep in fish. They later admitted they had been using cannabis and magic mushrooms the previous night.
General advise is to keep a positive outlook at all times and to carry spare shoes.