UnNews:Real American housewives make for TV gold

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This column is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-eyeblink misinformation. And by "misinformation", we mean "the truth."


29 August 2010

File:Real Housewives DC ommanney2.jpg
Self-important Brit-wit Catherine Ashley Ommanney (pictured right front) is most certainly not a miserable vagina.

WASHINGTON DC -- I don't have the numbers to back it up, but I feel strongly that television, especially American television, has done more to advance the state of humanity than anything since the domestication of dogs.

It is a tool with which a person can navigate the various permutations of the human condition, and by nature of it's ubiquity and anonymity of usage, empowers any citizen, be it Joe Six-pack or Randy Senator, to live vicariously in some Hell-world for an hour a week. We love our celbutards with our Mom and apple pie.

The best television in America also makes us feel good about ourselves, and provides us with scapegoat, cut-out characters that make us think, "there, but for the grace of God, go I."

“I know you're American, but let's have some manners.”

~ some haughty UKer twat on Real Housewives of Washington, D. C.

Many reality show producers created television gold by dredging up our less fortunate fellow citizens from the mire of their everyday misery long enough for us to pity their financial hardships and get nauseous at their state of hygiene.

Ths Real Housewives [1] series of programs, a behind the scenes look at the politics, machinery and antics of some economically privileged, catty Washington DC "housewives" [2] takes another tack. It gives us the glitz and glamor of celebutards, and simultaneously extols the virtues of American stupidity.

Before I go on, I should disclose to you, dear reader, that I know nothing whatsoever about television production. In fact, here I am, writing an article about a specific TV show, and I haven't even seen it. I have seen the commercials for it, though, and that's why I'll never watch any reality shows. For me, the experience of witnessing "highlights" of such programing during commercials is akin to a migraine.

Thus far, my favorite character of "DC" is Catherine Ashley Ommanney. This feisty Brit certainly knows how to shake things up in D.C. Cat lived the fast-paced, glamorous life in London, but after reuniting with and marrying her high school sweetheart, she decided to move to U.S. soil with her two daughters, Jade and Ruby. She quickly began socializing with Washington’s elite crowd, and counts many high-profile political figures among her friends.

Her no-nonsense attitude and tell-it-like-it-is demeanor have helped her achieve success as a mother, interior designer, and a writer – she penned a book about her “racy” escapades as a charismatic, single woman living in London called “Inbox Full” that will come out later this year. She had a brief romantic liaison with Prince Harry in 2006.[3] In spring of 2010, even before "Real Housewives" aired, she separated from her husband, Newsweek photographer Charles Ommanney. [4]

I am so excited about this show [5], just because of Ommannys Zazz factor that it's sure I won't miss a single episode [6]. Please join us next Saturday [7], when I will have part two of this article featuring another character from show, Michaele Salahi. Does she have ties to Al Qaeda and the controversial Ground Zero Mosque kerfuffle, as her Arabic-sounding last name suggests?

References, Clarifications, Obfuscations[edit]

  1. The Real Housewives of Washington, D.C. is a reality television program that debuted on the Bravo network Thursday, August 5, 2010. It will be the network's fifth installation of The Real Housewives of... series, following The Real Housewives of Orange County, The Real Housewives of New York City, The Real Housewives of Atlanta, The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Wikipedia
  2. I use the term housewife loosely. They do live in houses, and they are married, so technically they may be housewives.
  3. "Once, he had me stretch his Royal scrotum with pliers."
  4. Most certainly not a poor, cuckolded bastard, doomed to constant attendance to the whims of the three women in his life; a wife and two up-and-coming celebutards in the making.
  5. This is utter crap, of course.
  6. Which can be evidenced by my bleeding eyes and ears and the expression of agony on my face.
  7. Or some day resembling Saturday