UnNews:Sir Alan Sugar Reveals New Line Up For Apprentice

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25th March 2009

ET: "Oh, I'm fired? No I don't think so. I performed very well on this task, in fact, I think you'll find you're fired!!!"

SIR ALAN (You're fired!) SUGAR has revealed the official line up for the 10 week extravangza of the BBC's The Apprentice which starts tonight. In an interesting idea, this year all the participants, vying for the fourth-worst job in the country, working for Sir Alan, probably doing his laundry, and probably being "fired!" before completing their second week, are has-been celebrities. Sir Alan has said that this turn has been taken because "more people watch crap with celebrities (see I'm A Celebrity Trying To Relaunch My Career By Having Insects Thrown At Me)". He has also said that it makes him "more money."

The "celebrities" (aka "M-listers"), exclusively revealed by the exclusives in the Sun, and all the other papers, are said to be a lively bunch, with very high opinions of themselves. Most are doing the job because they actually need the money. Below is a profile of the 14 celebrities out for the job of the century, and the 13 most likely to be "fired!" It includes an alien, the ex-wife of a clever cartoon builder, the current wife of a stupid current footballer, an ice creamer, someone whose surname cannot be brought to mind, a computer geek, a gardener, a nobody, a director, a backing singer, a biblical character, a paedophilic dinosaur, a 5 year old and a hotel heiress.

  • ET - In the biggest shock, ET, who survived his rape by Michael Jackson, is trying to relaunch his career. He is not likely to win, due to his lack of the English language making sales a difficulty.
  • Wendy Fucker - The ex-wife of Bob the Builder tried to restart her career with the failed series Wendy Goes Dating. She is known to be good at numbers.
  • Victoria Beckham - Unlikely to get past first week.
  • Jerry Jones - Jerry from the very scrumptious ice cream duo.
  • Michael S-Soph-Sophic...Michael From The Last Series Of The Apprentice - Now considered "famous", because he admitted live on television to being a good Jewish boy, without knowing what kosher was.
  • Bill Gates - Sir Alan Sugar's worst enemy, though is good at business, is likely to get "fired!" early on, because Sugar is jealous that Gates doesn't get most of his income from reality TV shows.
  • Alan Titchmarsh - He has finally worked out gardening doesn't pay.
  • Kerry Katona - She doesn't need to relaunch her career. She needs to get a career.
  • M. Night Shyamalan - What? Surely he should be filming something with a Twist Ending! Like The Wizard of Oz Movie! But, apparently not. The new Oz remake is running over budget and they need some more dosh...
  • La Toya Jackson - She has proved she is good at working in a team (remember the Jackson 5-A-Side Team?), and also can yell loudly enough at people who will listen.
  • Lazarus - Famed for being co-writer of the Bible, which is not selling so well recently, and so Lazarus may need a bit extra cash.
  • Barney - Desperate to prove to the British public he is now a hard knuckle businessman, we expect his "I love you" crap to get him "fired!" in the first or second week. But maybe Sugar has a soft spot? (Ed: No. He doesn't.)
  • Lola - Apparently its one half of Charlie and Lola. Whoever the hell they are.
  • Paris Hilton - Sure fire winner, due to the fact she can always make a profit, if she just puts in a bit of her pocket money.