UnNews:Stephen Harper abolishes Canada Health Act, immediately privatizes healthcare

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10 January 2012

Prime Minister Harper issues a ruling regarding Canada's healthcare system while seated on his throne.

Ottawa, Ontario -- Stephen Harper has disbanded Canada's public healthcare system. For years progressive groups and political parties have warned the Canadian public that this would one day be a reality but until today nobody really believed that Harper would actually demolish Canada's most cherished public institution. That was made a reality yesterday when Harper announced that his government would no longer finance the country's provincial and territorial healthcare systems. As a result, each province and territory has had to sell off their healthcare systems and hospitals to wealthy US investors.

The new bosses immediately moved in and began cleaning house. Most hospitals across the country immediately started charging patients between six and ten thousand dollars per day depending on the hospital and the patients credit rating. Those whose families were unable to pay were immediately thrown out on to the street, this included people who were hooked up to ventilators. One man showed up at a Halifax hospital with a gunshot wound to the abdomen but was turned away when his VISA was declined. He later bled out in the street. Cancer patients are now being denied chemotherapy and have been told by their doctors to either "pay up or go home and die".

A man lies in the street dying after being kicked out of a Toronto hospital

This latest round of government cuts has reinvigorated the occupy movement that has been put on ice by Canada's cold Canadian winters. The latest incarnation of the movement "Occupy hospitals" had thousands of liberal hippie protesters show up at hospitals across the country demanding that Harper reinstate the Canada Health Act. One protester at a Quebec hospital, who declined to be named, said that his father had developed lung cancer from asbestos and was thrown out of the hospital earlier in the day. He said his dad developed cancer as a result of asbestos exposure from working in the Jeffrey Mine in Asbestos, Quebec. In addition to being denied chemo for his cancer, the man's father had his oxygen supply taken away. He suffocated in the street 10 minutes later.

A group of protesters even camped out close to Harper's palace at 24 Sussex Drive but Harper dismissed them as a bunch of "liberal loons". UnNews sat down with the Prime Minister and bluntly asked him what led him to privatize the healthcare system. "Well it really is quite simple" the Prime Minister said. "The budget is way out of balance, we need to cut as much as we can in order to bring Canada back in to the black. Education, healthcare, airports, roads, EI, and welfare, it all needs to be cut. If we don't do this, the country will become so indebted to other countries that they will one day own us. You don't want to wake up one day and have your kids speaking Chinese, do you?". When asked why corporate taxes were cut and military spending increased during this recession, the Prime Minister was quick to respond "We didn't take the decision lightly but we realized that growing the military and cutting corporate taxes really are in Canada's best interests. By cutting taxes to the rich, we stimulate the economy. All the yachts, private jets, and sports cars these guys buy help our fellow Canadians by creating jobs. They need people to be able to fix and sell them these expensive toys as well as occasionally chauffeur them around in them when they are too intoxicated to drive. As far as military spending goes, well that's a no-brainer. Number one it creates jobs and we need those in this economy. The second reason is that we need to have a strong military to keep the public in line. Any time we make cuts to social services they always get their panties up in a bunch.".

The Prime Minister was asked by our reporter why he chose to fund the military more and cut taxes rather than focus on education and health as the latter would help Canadians more. As always, Harper had a quick answer "Who says healthcare and education helps Canadians more than corporate tax cuts and military spending. I'm the Prime Minister and I get to decide what's best for Canada, not you. How dare you question my authority, I should have you execu...." At this point several men in suits whispered in Harper's ear. Harper settled down and continued the interview. "As I was saying, I believe that corporate tax cuts and the military will help the country more. It will be better for the economy. So what if some old people die and some poor kids can't go to college. They should have worked harder, its their problem not mine. I don't think the Canadian taxpayers should be subsidizing a bunch of freeloading bums who've probably never worked a day in their lives. I think the Canada Health Act was the worst piece of legislation passed since they gave women the vote. I'm glad I was finally able to abolish it".

Harper indicated to UnNews that he's dreamed about this moment since before he was Prime Minister. For the first five years of his leadership Harper was restricted from doing so because his party didn't hold enough seats in the House of Commons. They still held the reigns of power but were relegated to minority status and their ability to rule by decree was curtailed. This all changed when his government was swept into majority status after the spring election. This gave Harper the green light to pass any legislation he wants. Besides privatizing healthcare, he has since privatized the country's penal system and toughened crime legislation. Minor crimes such as underage drinking and possession of marijuana now carry minimum sentences of 3 to 5 years. Education is thought to be next on the chopping block. University funding as already been cut but Harper is considering cutting funding to provincial school systems, effectively privatizing them as well.

While some Canadians are acting up by protesting, most are being obedient and accepting Harper's decrees. They don't like the cuts to everything from roads to schools but they don't see an alternative and have accepted the mainstream media's message that this is inevitable. "The other parties are just too extreme to form a government" says Harper fan and sports commentator Don Cherry. "Harper is the only one with enough balls to make these tough decisions. Long live Harper". Most Canadians don't share Cherry's enthusiasm but share his belief that the Conservatives are the naturally governing party.

The other major parties suffered major setbacks in the election. The Liberals under the horrendous leadership of Michael Ignatieff tanked in the polls and only won a handful of seats, mostly in eastern Canada which is usually ignored anyways. The NDP fared better winning just over 100 seats but most Canadians didn't trust a socialist party enough to elect its leader Prime Minister. Its leader, Video Professor Jack Layton has since died and no viable successor has been chosen. The Quebec Liberation Party under Gilles Duceppe has been removed from power in Quebec, replaced by their federalist cousins, the NDP. Still this wasn't enough to thwart Harper's rise to majority status. As a result of the Liberals freefall, the collapse of the Quebec liberation movement, and the power vacuum in the NDP after Layton's death, Harper seems poised to cling to power for the foreseeable future.