UnNews:Steven Tyler quits Aerosmith; other bands follow; Obama declares international emergency

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11 November 2009

Who will replace Steven Tyler?

WORLDWIDE, The Universe -- The rock music world came to a crashing halt Monday morning when it was announced that Steven Tyler had quit his legendary lead singer gig in the band Aerosmith.

Lead guitarist Joe Perry stated that he had not heard from Tyler since the crooner fell off the stage during a South Dakota concert back in August. Perry confirmed that "The reason Steven purposely fell from the stage was because he tried to injure himself after learning that Rob Zombie had fired Daeg [Faerch, the actor who played Young Michael Myers in 2007’s Halloween remake] from returning in Halloween II. I don’t blame him, either. Rob Zombie betrayed the fans. Good God, that was a shitty film! Chase Wright Vanek doesn’t even compare!"

Tyler declined comment for this story. But in a previous interview, he stated that the reason he was leaving the group was because "I’m a fucking prima donna! I have an inflated ego that Rob Zombie and Tyler Perry would envy! Joe and I weren’t really gelling, so we just had to split up. I mean, I have my own separate dressing room, and a large bowl full of only green M&Ms. Plus, I make double what they earn."

President Obama plans to save rock.

That hasn’t been the only rock and roll casuality this week. On Tuesday, The Rolling Stones held a press conference to announce that Mick Jagger and Keith Richards would be exiting the group after some 47 years. "I’m too old for this shit," says Richards, who turns 66 on December 18.

"I said I’d never, ever sing 'I Can’t Get No Satisfaction' at age 40. But I refuse to sing it at age 66," says Jagger. "I mean 66 is bloody old for a bloke playing rock and roll! And plus, I might as well do whatever Aerosmith does."

But the exits of important band members didn’t end there. The rumors are flying: Steve Miller will "fly like an eagle" and exit his eponymous band; Bob Seger will "turn the page" on his legendary Silver Bullet Band; and even the E Street Band will be "dancing in the dark" without its leader Bruce Springsteen.

"What the hell has happened to the state of rock and roll?" Jann S. Wenner recently asked on RollingStone.com, the official website of Rolling Stone Magazine. "Even Gene Simmons has announced that he and Paul are leaving KISS! Rock is dead and in the ground. Shame on you, Steven Tyler and Aerosmith! If and when you find a new lead singer, don't call yourselves Aerosmith, call yourselves Hydrojones. Or better yet, call yourselves Dream On."

Speaking of Aerosmith finding a new singer, Survivor creator Rob Burnett has expressed interest in reviving his Rock Star reality TV series which saw INXS select J.D. Fortune as its lead singer. In the second season, newly-formed supergroup Supernova selected Lukas Rossi as its front man. CBS canceled the show to make room for some shitty pirate reality show that only lasted one season in 2007. "I’d like to revive the show, but there are just too many damn bands that are looking for replacements, legendary bands. I don't know which fucking band to pick!"

Meanwhile, Aerosmith is auditioning singers on its own. Currently, Britney Spears failed her audition due to the belief that she had been lip-syncing while performing exhaustive dance moves, although she sang every note of the syrupy ballads the band churned out in the 1990s and 2000s. So far, the three most likely candidates -- who are required to sing in front of Steven’s daughter, Liv Tyler -- are Ben Affleck, Michael Clarke Duncan, and Steve Buscemi. You can view the auditions on YouTube.

During all this chaos, President Obama has declared a state of emergency saying that "the future of rock music is in dire straits, and I don’t mean Mark Knopfler. The time has come to save this beautiful and kickass style of music." Obama’s plan includes:

  1. getting Rob Burnett and CBS to revive their Rock Star series
  2. getting MTV and VH1 to support real music and actually play videos on their channels for a change
  3. getting Rolling Stone Magazine to keep fans frequently updated on the status of rock's living legends
  4. creating more Guitar Hero and Rock Band video games for all consoles -- "including obsolete systems such as NES, Genesis, Game Boy, Sega Dreamcast, and Atari."
  5. Getting Americans to form new bands "so that the legendary bands will have nobody available to replace their former members, except for those former members themselves."

The Rock and Roll Bailout Plan has an estimated budget of $7 billion. "It's worth every penny," the President says. "I would hate to wake up tomorrow and have some 12-year-old kid tell me he’s never heard of Motorhead," he said as tears ran down his face.

In a sad twist of irony, it has been announced that the original Temptations will reunite, even though they have been dead for eons.


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