UnNews:Team Rocket Captures Pikachu, Ash Commits Suicide

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June 24th. This is a sad and lonely day. People saying that the news couldn't get any worse, with the banning of Catholicism, Superman scandals, and various other problems, now have something even more crushing to deal with: Ash Ketchum is dead.

Ash Ketchem, we will miss you.

During the filming of Season 11 for the hit reality show Pokemon, Team Rocket hatched a new plan. Rather than build a copyright infringing giant robot, submarine, or weapon, or fly in by Hot Air Balloon, they would actually just capture Pikachu. In the middle of the night, they snuck up wearing rubber suits, picked up Ash's Pikachu, and ran away giggling. Ash, Dawn, and Brock had spent a long day hiking. They were simply too tired to wake up when Team Rocket struck. When they did, Team Rocket quickly reappeared, announcing that they had given Pikachu to their boss, and they had won.

Team Rocket, those evil bastards.

Ash, distraught, confused, and embarrassed that Team Rocket had actually captured his yellow rodent, released his new Piplup and slit his wrists with its sharp beak. Our beloved hobo-turned-actor died at the age of 10 before paramedics could reach him.

Ash was the son of his mother, and Professor Oak. He was kidnapped at the age of 2, and raised to be a master hobo, before being returned at the age of 10 to start his quest.

The murder weapon.

Professor Oak gave him a Pikachu, which was then struck by lightning sent by God, making it the best Pokemon known to mankind. Team Rocket, witnessing its ability to shock ground type pokemon and level cities, knew that they needed it.

Ash, the hero of millions, including both George Bush Snr. and Jr.

Ash made many friends on his journeys, at a rate of about one per episode. Which means that as of now, Ash had 851 friends. He slew himself on the first episode of season 11, and his bloody death was caught on tape. It will be aired at his funeral, and on America's Funniest Home Videos.

People had many things to say about Ash. For example, Misty laughed her ass off when she heard that he died. As you might recall, she raped him in season 5, prompting her replacement with May and Max. Brock said that he was glad that Ash was dead, and he underwent plastic surgery to make himself white. He will be playing Ash for the remainder of season 11, which will begin airing on March 14th, 2008. A replacement for Brock is currently being found. Rumors say that it will probably be Samuel L. Jackson.

Ash was a role model for children worldwide. Here, an action he was known to do extremely frequently.

Dawn simply blinked and asked what 'death' was, before being told so. After realizing what it was, she actually shut down her website for a month and left it closed until deciding the 'new Brock' was a better guy.

Ash's funeral will be on June 28th. It will be open casket, and will be attended by a wide variety of guests, including incumbent Pokemon League Champions Lance, Steven, and Cynthia and the Elite 4 members from Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, and Sinnoh. Ash had requested that it take place in Kansas, but that will be impossible, as they have banned Evolution, which means no Pikachus. (They evolve from Pichu, remember?) Instead, it will take place in Iowa, since Ash often entertained himself saying it.

Why must the good die young?

Team Rocket has been arrested for multiple counts of theft, indecent exposure, copy-right infringement, littering, malpractice, impersonating a doctor, impersonating a law enforcement official, assault and appearing in a Japanese anime. They pleaded innocent, but since all of their misdeeds have been captured on tape and aired on television, the trial won't take long. Had the trial taken place in Britain, the two would be given a light warning and a bottle of champagne.

Pikachu was returned to Ash's Mom, along with Ash's hat and left glove (his right glove was nowhere to be find.)

This is what happened after he committed suicide