UnNews:The lame-stream media is very lame
This column is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-eyeblink misinformation. And by "misinformation", we mean "the truth."
13 July 2010
Hi Uncyclopedia, I appreciate speaking directly to you, the people who voted for me in 2008, against that hope-y, change-y guy. People who know me know that besides faith and family and my rifle, there's nothing more important to me than my loyal supporters.
As I sit here on this resplendent Alaska morning, the smell of a freshly baked pie wafting delicately beneath my nose, I am reminded by that wholesome aroma of the hope and perseverance that is the American spirit. But, today, I have a less pleasant subject to talk about. Today, I want to talk to you about the lame-stream media.
Liberty-loving patriots all throughout our great nation know that the lame-stream media is very, very lame. Golly, I can hardly watch the lame-stream media without thinking, "Well, aren't you just so lame!" Any conservative could see that the lame-stream media gives that hope-y, change-y guy in the White House a free pass for all his dirty tricks and his underhanded dealings. But they've been out to get me since day one! For example, they printed a horrifying, sexist picture of me wearing shorts. When I posed for that picture, I would have been appalled if I had known it would fall into the hands of the lame-stream media! But it did, and the lame-stream media sent pictures all over America of me in a pair of shorts. That's how lame they are. They're lame, and they're sexist.
The lame-stream media also made fun of me for saying that Russia is close to the United States. Well, golly, any patriotic American with a lick of common sense can look at a globe and see that Russia is just a few miles from the pristine, periwinkle shores of our great homeland. As I've explained before, as Vladimir Putin rears his head, he rears it over Alaska. The lame-stream media is so lame for not knowing where Vladimir Putin will rear his head.
As I gaze out over the twinkling snow of the beautiful tundra, my loving husband Todd by my side, I cannot help but feel that the majesty of this proud nation cannot be spoiled merely by having a media so lame as our lame-stream media. But make no mistake: they are very lame. So, freedom-loving Americans, I make this request of you: call up your local lame-stream media outlet and tell them: "You guys are lame."
Gosh, any Joe Six-Pack can understand that we need to send them a message: they are lame. Find the number for your local television or radio station, and when a receptionist answers, ask to speak to her supervisor. Then, when he picks up, shout "You guys are LAME!" That is our duty as patriotic Americans. The lame-stream media must be taught a lesson about how lame it is.
I know that I can count on my supporters at Uncyclopedia to make these important phone calls for me. I have been told by my fine staffers that Uncyclopedia is very good at making unsolicited, angry phone calls to strangers. So, Uncyclopedia, please stop calling your local McDonald's and trying to place an order for a Whopper. Instead, please call your local lame-stream media outlet and scream "YOU ARE LAME! LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME!!" This is our common mission. This is what I ask of you.
If we work together, we can break the hold the lame-stream media has on our great country, and return to the cherished land of commonsense conservative values that our forefathers envisioned. Thank you. Okie dokie?
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|