UnNews:Thomas Jefferson impeached

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12 March 2007

Thomas Jefferson to stand trial in abstensia

WASHINGTON, D. C. - Thomas Jefferson has been impeached and, according to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, America’s third president will stand trial in absentia before the U. S. Senate.

Notwithstanding his many accomplishments, among which is his authoring The Declaration of Independence, Jefferson, Pelosi contends, was “a mean-spirited and self-serving man.”

Jefferson was “a busybody,” Pelosi told UnNews reporter, Lotta Lies, “with a hand in everything.” Historians prefer to refer to the former president as a “Renaissance man” or a “polymath,” as he was accomplished in horticulture, architecture, paleontology, writing, invention, and politics, and served, at one time or another, as a colonial legislator, a state legislator, the governor of Virginia, the minister to France, the secretary of state, the vice-president, and, of course, the president of the United States, and a member of Pelosi’s own political party, the Demcats, former President John F. Kennedy, honoring 49 Nobel Prize winners at a dinner at the Executive Mansion in 1962, quipped, "I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent and of human knowledge that has ever been gathered together at the White House--with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone." Polite laughter reportedly followed.

Despite these many accomplishments, however, Jefferson was a slave owner and, Pelosi contended, “a hypocrite.” On one hand, in public and in print, he railed against the evils of slavery as an immoral institution trafficking in human misery, but, in private, he maintained a vast workforce of slaves to tend to his beloved plantation, Monticello, which was itself built with slave labor. Jefferson insisted that, once he was debt free, he would free whichever slaves he couldn’t sell on the auction block, but, Pelosi pointed out, “curiously enough, he never seemed to get out of debt. Had he lived more modestly, as I do, he wouldn’t have had such tremendous debt to begin with and he wouldn’t have needed to keep slaves.”

Thomas Jefferson's "concubine," sister-in-law, and slave, Sally Hemmings

He was hypocritical, too, in his racist views on the effects of interracial marriage, claiming “miscegenation will pollute the gene pool of the master race,” meaning whites. “The amalgamation of whites with blacks produces a degradation to which no lover of his country, no lover of excellence in the human character, can innocently consent,” he declared. Nevertheless, he fathered several mulatto children by his slave, Sally Hemmings, herself a half-sister of Jefferson's own late wife, Martha Wayles Skelton Jefferson. Hemmings was, thus, a “high yellow,” or mulatto. By having sex with his sister-in-law, Jefferson added incest to miscegenation and adultery. The newspapers of the day referred to Hemmings as Jefferson’s “concubine.”

For his sexism, racism, hypocrisy, and “crimes against nature,” Pelosi and her fellow congressmen and congresswomen have voted to impeach Jefferson, and his trial before the Senate is scheduled to begin on July 4, 2007. If convicted, the former president will be stripped of his office, Monticello will be razed, and his various monuments and memorials will be destroyed, including the Jefferson Memorial in Washington, D. C. In addition, his corpse could be exhumed and imprisoned for a period of not fewer than 20 years. Needless to say, his likeness would also be struck from the nickel, Pelosi’s own image replacing it on the five-cent coin.

Against Republican's contention that Jefferson's sexism, racism, hypocrisy, and crimes against nature may have been morally repugnant but they are not impeachable offenses, Pelosi said that she has it "on good authority" that her colleagues in the Senate will vote to impeach Jefferson. "Hillary and Teddy assure me that the sexist, racist pig will be baked, boiled, broiled, fried, roasted, and steamed, no matter what additional charges they have to trump up at the last minute."

The Speaker is also looking into allegations about George Washington and “several of the other so-called Founding Fathers, to see “which, if any, fathered out-of-wedlock interracial children back in the day.” Further impeachments could be forthcoming.