UnNews:Tiger didn't rape anybody

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7 April 2010

Tiger tells people to keep quiet in honor of his awesomeness

AUGUSTA, Georgia -- Golf's original bad boy, Peter North, has welcomed Tiger Woods back to the fray for this week's Masters tournament, insisting that the troubled world No. 1 "didn't rape anybody."

On Monday, Woods gave his first open news conference since the scandal around his great sex life broke at the end of last November, fielding questions and offers of oral sex from the media for 40 minutes.

North, who has played golf ever since he became a Porno star, said he was happy to see his fellow “horn-dog” ready to return to party.

"He handled it very professionally. I just wish he'd paid the girls a lot more then he wouldn't have had to put up with all the crap he's had to put up with," North continued. “He figured he could get it all for free! Ha! Don’t make me laugh!”

"I wish him all the best. I've always said the toughest major he's got is keeping his harem and marriage together, but it looks like they're doing it."

Woods confirmed on Monday that his “Old lady” Elin and all his 18 girl friends would be attending the tournament, which is the first of the season's four major events.

When asked by the media why he had 18 girlfriends? Tiger replied with a grin, "One for each hole!"