UnNews:Trump to Republican candidates: “You’re fired!”

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Sunday, July 26, 2015
File:TheDon.jpg
The Don makes us an offer we can’t refuse?

LAREDO, TEXAS AT U.S./MEXICO BORDER — ‬Wooly Mammoth, ‬Buffoon, egomaniac and filthy rich entertainment cum business genius, Donald Trump, had a simple message for all his co-presidential contenders, “You’re fired!” At this Mexican border town Trump made the most Presidential appearance ever, and he’s not even President… Yet!

Landing at Laredo airport in a gigantic hot-air Balloon, Trump was met by the president of Mexico, El Chapo himself and loads of other power brokers including Carlos Slim, police heads, gangsters, dignitaries, chorus girls, bodyguards and Sumo wrestlers. Then a 17-mile long motorcade replete with a cast of millions, and with pink confetti falling out of the cloudless sky, Trump actually appeared to be more presidential than any other contender since Alexander the Great. And he wrote the best selling book, “The Art of the Steal.”

Milking and even bulldozing the press like a master magician Trump told the media, “Some people laugh and think I’m a joke, but if they look outside the window they might see a building with my name on it. And they might even be staying in one of my buildings, or in a city I own” Trump grinned, matter-of-factly.

“I have billions! I wrote the book. I am a deal maker. I made a fortune many times over. I have more dough that all the other contenders combined, and I’m the only businessman.” Trump smiled. “Those clowns couldn’t even get a job as a janitor in one of my clip joints.” The master blaster said with utter distain.

“Who would you rather have negotiating with China, me or Lindsey Graham?” Trump asked. "That fucking war monger is an idiot! He called me a "Doo Doo Head", can you believe the language?”

When asked if he would apologize to war hero John McCain, Trump spouted, “You must be kidding! ‘War Criminal’ is more like it. That guy wants to bomb everywhere. And just look at his record," Trump entreated. "He’s no war hero because Vietnam wasn’t ever declared as a war, so how he’s a war hero?” Trump shrugged. “And even in the military all he did was drop bombs on people. That makes him a terrorist. And if you don’t believe me just ask the Government of Vietnam who have him on the books as a convicted felon who spent years as a VIP guest in the Hanoi Hilton - in a dirt pit - as punishment for his illegal terrorist activities! I mean, he was in Vietnam without even a valid tourist visa!” Trump said of McCain.

“But me? The Vietnamese love me, I sell them ‘Trump’s orange flavored Anti-Agent Orange’ to refresh their water.”

When asked by Russia Times about Russia, Trump replied enthusiastically, “I love the Russians! They have always been our allies. The Cold War was bad-business, and now the Russians just want to make Money too.” He winked. “And, Jeez, Putin was KGB like Bush was CIA, who gives a damn? I can talk to anyone that is profit motivated. We need to cooperate with Russia; I mean, look at the Sochi Olympics, I was there, and that was show biz, with loads of blond hookers!”

When Trump was asked about his other Republican co-candidates he expressed nothing but contempt. For example, when asked about Rick Santorum he laughed, “That little faggot! He used to give hummers to customers at my New Jersey casino! I mean, seriously!" And when it comes to Democratic front-runner, Hillary Clinton, Trump minced no words, stating bluntly, “She belongs in jail! She is not only the worst Foreign Secretary in US history, she’s the worst person in US history!”

On the touchy question of his religion and forgiveness trump asked, "Forgiveness for what? I don't do anything wrong!" While on the issue of what to do with all the illegal aliens already in the USA, he said, "Easy, we let Sheriff Joe round them all up, then get 'em to build the border wall themselves, out of their own bodies...after which they'll be legal."

And finally, on the question of President Obama, Trump replied, "Ugh! The worst negotiator and least transparent President in American history. He's such a lousy businessman; I offered him $50 million - to any charity of his liking - if he will release his school records. Just to show if he had low grades in mathematics, as well as him probably being a foreign exchange student from Indonesia. But not a peep in response!" Donald grinned. "Can you believe that? Even I would give my school records for $50 million bucks"

Presently leading all the poles, no one has ever seemed more important to Poland than Trump. So hang on to your shower-caps, because there is a genuine actor, master negotiator, and successful businessman in the new election reality show; and whom better could America ask for to act, negotiate and pay everyone a good salary?


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