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The patented UnNews Audio microphone gives expression to artists who have always wanted to "work with a strap-on."

UnNews Audio is a division of UnNews that produces audio recordings of individual articles. This achieves two purposes:

  • On the assumption that there are millions of people who surf to Uncyclopedia every day, but hate to read or even look at the pictures, this gives them something. (Uncyclopedia users who hate both written and spoken English are, for the time being, still S.O.L.)
  • More regular Uncyclopedia fans, who have always wanted to put a face to a username, can now at least put a voice to it, and go, "Coo! didn't know s/he sounded like that!".
Recent UnNews Audio


Podcast | Archive.

How to use UnNews Audio[edit]

How to listen[edit]

The massive equipment that transmits UnNews Audio is located in the basement of the headquarters building at One UnNews Centre.

All UnNews Audio releases are audio in the MP3 format, in files with file type .mp3. There is a list (above and also on the UnNews front page) of the most recent UnNews Audio releases. Clicking on the headline sends the audio file to your computer.

What happens then depends on what your web browser has been instructed to do with .mp3 files. Normally, a program you have selected, such as Media Player, Real Player, or Winamp, will be activated and the news report will automatically start playing on your computer's speakers. However, your web browser might be set instead to store the .mp3 file on the disk and you might have to take additional action to play the audio.

How to author[edit]

Select an UnNews article that you are interested in broadcasting. A signaling scheme ensures that two broadcasters won't work on the same article at the same time.

To "lock" the article and assert exclusive rights to broadcast it, edit the article and add the following to the start: {{RecordingInProgress|YourName}} or {{RIP|YourName}}

Please don't lock an article for more than 4 hours, but complete recording and uploading by then.

Create an .mp3 file with your audio in any way that is most convenient for you. Tips:

  • Make the name of the MP3 file descriptive. It makes it easier to code citations to it if you will do the following:
    • Begin with UnNews-- (with two hyphens!) to indicate, in the File: namespace, that the file pertains to UnNews.
    • Make the filename identical to the story's headline.
  • Music-quality (big) MP3 files aren't necessary for voice; read Spike's technical notes for tips on what settings to use.
  • In some Audios, a different speaker, a different accent, or a different background noise is used for quotations. Otherwise, say "quote" before the quotation, and "unquote" afterward.
  • You need not read the UnNews story literally:
    • When reading a quotation, you may want to turn the sentence around so that you introduce the speaker before you read the quotation. It's pleasing in written English to break the quotation into two parts, but this doesn't flow well in speech.
    • Some paragraphs need not be read at all--especially when they make a comparison or use figures that need to be seen to be understood.
    • You may also leave out some material to limit the length of the audio feature.

Then upload the MP3 file with your audio to commons.

How to tell people you've recorded a story[edit]

In the story

Edit the story again. Delete any lock template you inserted before (see above), and add the following as the first line: {{UnNewsAudio|YourFileName.mp3}} --This puts a legend in the text file advising readers that an audio version is available.

Preview the article and be sure you see the legend, and that there are no red-links. This ensures that you correctly typed the name of your audio file.

In {{RecentUnNews}}

If the story you recorded was advertised in {{RecentUnNews}} (which lists it on the Uncyclopedia main page), and if you obeyed the file naming rules above, you can indicate that an audio is available by adding the bit shown in red:

In {{RecentUnNewsAudio}}

Finally, edit {{RecentUnNewsAudio}}. This template is the list of the most recent audio features, as shown at the top of this page. Following the recommendations at the start of the template, and imitating the format of existing entries, add an entry for your article at the top of the list. You'll be adding a line of the following form:

exact-name-of-your-audio-file.mp3|Article headline|Statistics|UnNews:Name of text version|

Delete one entry at the bottom of the list so it contains the same number of entries as before.

If you revise your audio, also update the above files--for example, if the filename and statistics are different.


The template {{InlineMedia|headline}} (omitting both File:UnNews-- and .mp3) is a way to put a legend, (Gnome-speakernotes.png listen), into a template or a talk page.

How to get someone else to record a story[edit]

UN:AUDIO is a collection of requests for recording, for UnNews articles and other materials. You can write a request there and see if anyone wants to do the recording.

The UnNews Team[edit]

Broadcast Staff[edit]

Icons-flag-ca.png Sir Todd Lyons Goldstein award.png Goldstein award.png Goldstein award.png
Creator of UnNewsAudio and Executive Producer in Absentia
Icons-flag-us.png Rev. Zim_ulator Foolitzer.png Goldstein award.png Goldstein award.png Goldstein award.png Goldstein award.png
Editor Emeritus (2007-2010)

Icons-flag-us.png Sir Brad Frasier Goldstein award.png
Icons-flag-gb.png Sir Codeine
European Correspondent
Icons-flag-us.pngIcons-flag-gb.png Sir Dawg
Bi-continental US and UK Correspondent
Icons-flag-us.png emc Foolitzer.png
North American Correspondent, Writer
Icons-flag-gb.png Sir Elvis
European Correspondent
Icons-flag-us.png Sir Hinoa
Occasional US Correspondent
Icons-flag-us.png Lady Keitei
US Correspondent, Writer
Icons-flag-us.png Template:U
US Correspondent, Writer
Icons-flag-il.png MordilloFoolitzer.pngGoldstein award.pngGoldstein award.pngGoldstein award.png
Middle Eastern Correspondent, low quality mike holder and bad accents extraordinaire.
Icons-flag-gb.png Sir Olipro Foolitzer.pngGoldstein award.png
European Correspondent, Writer, Podcast Maintainer, Got Pwned by Zim
Icons-flag-us.png Sir Rangeley Goldstein award.png
US Correspondent, Writer
Icons-flag-us.png Sir Severian Goldstein award.png
US Correspondent, Writer
Gadsden.png Spike Foolitzer.png × 3 Goldstein award.png × 10
NH Correspondent, Writer, TeleType® curator
Icons-flag-us.png Template:U Foolitzer.pngGoldstein award.png
US Correspondent, Writer
Icons-flag-us.png Zana Dark Goldstein award.png
US Correspondent, alleged female

Icons-flag-gb.png Braydie Goldstein award.png
UK Correspondent
Icons-flag-us.png Contestant
US Correspondent
Oman flag.jpg Fezzul
European Correspondent (with certain Middle Eastern entanglements)
Icons-flag-gb.png Flyingfeline Goldstein award.png
UK Correspondent and occasional writer
Icons-flag-gb.png FreeMorpheme
European Correspondent
Icons-flag-gb.pngIcons-flag-au.png David Gerard
London Correspondent (Australian), Writer
Icons-flag-nz.pngIcons-flag-au.png GreaseMonkey
Oceania Correspondent (New Zealand, Australia, Polynesia), Writer, Drama Student, Accent Impersonator (Ey wahnt seex bottles of woine mayte.)
Icons-flag-us.png Template:U
US Correspondent
Icons-flag-us.png Jobot37
US Correspondent
Icons-flag-ca.png Template:U
Canadian at heart, notable Internet personality
Icons-flag-ca.png Template:U Goldstein award.png
Canadian Correspondent, Typist
Icons-flag-us.png Template:U
US Correspondent, Attention Whore
Icons-flag-us.png MNM5150
US Correspondent, worst microphone ever
Icons-flag-gb.pngIraq flag 1.png NeoZidane Goldstein award.png
UK and Middle Eastern Correspondent (you know, that place with crazy Arabs and bombs and oil)
Icons-flag-us.png Template:U
US Correspondent (briefly Template:U)
Icons-flag-us.png Template:U Goldstein award.png Goldstein award.png
US Correspondent, writer
Icons-flag-us.png Template:U
US Correspondent, inarticulate
Icons-flag-us.png SirNuke
US Correspondent
Icons-flag-us.png Gustav Template:U
US Correspondent, Writer
Icons-flag-ca.png Zombiebaron Goldstein award.png
Undead Correspondent; on sabbatical

Other writers whose stuff got broadcast[edit]

Saflag.jpeg Acrolo
22px-Flag of Pirates.png Aineolach
Aleister in Chains
Icons-flag-au.png Armando PerentieFoolitzer.png
Icons-flag-gb.png 02BarryC
Icons-flag-au.png Bdude
Icons-flag-us.png Bladetip
Icons-flag-us.png Clemens177
Icons-flag-us.png Composure1Foolitzer.png
Icons-flag-us.png CScottFoolitzer.png
Icons-flag-gb.png Danny HimselfFoolitzer.png
Icons-flag-cn.png Feureau
Icons-flag-th.png FunnybonyFoolitzer.png
Icons-flag-nz.png GreaseMonkey
Icons-flag-us.png Guildensternenstein
Icons-flag-us.png Gustav
Icons-flag-us.png Happytimes
Icons-flag-us.png Hawthorn PeeblesFoolitzer.png
Icons-flag-gb.png Hindleyite
Icons-flag-us.png Hobelhouse
Icons-flag-us.png Hrodulf
Icons-flag-us.png IronLung
Icons-flag-us.png Isra1337
Icons-flag-us.png JackOfSpades
Icons-flag-us.png Kip the Dip
France flag 1.png Lctmu
Icons-flag-gb.png Matt lobsterFoolitzer.png
Icons-flag-gb.png Mhaille
Icons-flag-ca.png ModusoperandiFoolitzer.png
Icons-flag-us.png Prettiestpretty
Icons-flag-us.png Raliter
Icons-flag-us.png Rcmurphy
Icons-flag-gb.png Romartus
Icons-flag-us.png Savethemooses
Icons-flag-in.png Template:U
Icons-flag-us.png Shadsy
Icons-flag-ru.png Sikon
Icons-flag-us.png SnoopY
Icons-flag-us.png Some user
Icons-flag-gb.png Spang
Icons-flag-us.png Template:U
Icons-flag-us.png Template:U
Icons-flag-us.png The ThinkerFoolitzer.png
Icons-flag-us.png thetoastman
Icons-flag-us.png Template:UFoolitzer.png
Icons-flag-us.png TshellFoolitzer.png
Icons-flag-ca.png Uncle JFoolitzer.png
Icons-flag-au.png Template:U
Icons-flag-us.png WeebilsFoolitzer.png
Icons-flag-us.png Sir David, the Weasel of WildFoolitzer.png
Icons-flag-us.png The Woodburninator
Icons-flag-us.png Zaui