UnNews:Vice President Dick Cheney personally experiences Walter Reed problems

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6 March 2007

Vice President Dick Cheney, seething with anger after being mistreated at Walter Reed.

WASHINGTON, DC -- Vice President Cheney got to see first-hand how appalling conditions are at the Walter Reed Medical Center for wounded troops in Washington. Feeling a cramp in his left leg earlier on Monday, the Vice President was rushed to the nearest hospital, which happened to be Walter Reed - the primary treatment facility for wounded military personnel.

Mr. Cheney waited almost two hours in line before finally being admitted to the outpatient facility. Having to fill out dozens of forms, Mr. Cheney kept emphasizing how he's a VIP patient, but staffers merely shrugged and responded "Yeah, well, whatever." Soldiers have long complained about similar problems at the facility, but nobody ever paid attention to them before.

When a doctor finally did examine the VP, it was in a dimly-lit backroom under unsanitary conditions. The physician identified a potentially fatal blood-clot in the leg, but told Mr. Cheney "Not to worry about it too much." After prescribing some generic-brand blood thinners, the doctor also administered a shot to help soothe the pain. Mr. Cheney was warned, however, that the needle used for the injection "was re-used, since we are low on resources, so there is a chance of contracting AIDS, hepatitis, or even herpes."

When Cheney's staff found out where the Vice President was, they rushed to rescue him and take him to a proper medical facility. "It is an outrage that the VP was initially taken to Walter Reed," said White House spokesman Tony Snow, adding, "The conditions at that facility are meant for our trained soldiers, who are used to adversity and squalid conditions. It's certainly not a place for the Vice President though." The Defense Department promised a full investigation, and Secretary Gates personally apologized to Mr. Cheney.

Additional controversy erupted when it was revealed that Mr. Cheney's discharge papers from Walter Reed indicated that "the patient's wounds are insignificant, and he is ready to deploy back to Iraq immediately." Aides say the blood clot is actually a serious issue that will force the Vice President to take a month-long vacation. Additionally, they say he will never return to the Middle East after being "emotionally scarred" by the bombing at the Bagram airbase when he visited Afghanistan last month. He reportedly still has flashbacks of the event, and staffers say he was "close enough to the explosion to actually hear it even without his hearing aide."