UnNews:Vladimir Putin is "so gay," says President Bush

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19 December 2007

"[Putin] can suck my cock."

WASHINGTON, DC -- In a nationally televised press conference held yesterday, United States President George W. Bush accused Russian President Vladimir Putin of being "so gay" for his delivery of nuclear fuel to Iran after Bush specifically asked Putin not to.

"It was a total dick move, man," said Bush. "I think he just gave Iran the fuel just because I asked him not to. He's such a fag."

Bush later condemned Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for his nuclear program.

Cquote1.png More like "Mahmoud Ahmadicknejad." Am I right? You know? ... "Mahmoud Ahmabigdickbag." "Ahmadouchebagad." "Ahma..." "Ahma..." Hold on... Cquote2.png
"Faggity fag fag, faggity fag fag, look at homo go," says President Bush.

Putin later accused Bush of being irrational, delirious, and a "total whore" for objecting to the shipment.

"Look, bitch," Putin responded in his own conference two hours later, "I don't give a shit what you think, okay? If Iran wants to buy some stuff off of me, then Iran can buy some stuff off of me. That's how Putin rolls, man. You don't like it, you just fuckin' deal with it."

Putin then took a last swig of a vodka bottle in a paper bag, threw it at the floor, and walked out of the conference room.

Bush issued a rebuttal statement within minutes:

Cquote1.png Listen, you vag, I can kick your pussy ass anytime, anywhere, so you give me some fuckin' respect. What I say goes, or else I might have to introduce you to my homies D-Chain and Leezza. Cquote2.png

Putin then boarded the first plane departing Sheremetyevo International Airport, headed for London Heathrow Airport and destined for Washington Dulles International Airport. From the cabin, he released a wire to the Associated Press stating, in part:

Cquote1.png Bitch, if that's what you want, that's what you get. I know where you live, motherfucker, so you best run and hide 'fore I beat your bitch-ass into the National Mall. Cquote2.png
"Thank you much for 'fuel.'"

Ahmadinejad has remained surprisingly silent during the proceedings. According to sources inside the Ahmadinejad administration, the president had prepared a statement, but did not release it publicly, and it read in part:

Cquote1.png I support the ongoing battle between the homosexuals Bush and Putin, and wish them best of luck. In unrelated story, I will be requiring coordinates of scheduled battle site and thirty minutes alone with this metal hull; please provide them to me approximately 2 hours 32 minutes before fight is scheduled so that I may ensure prompt delivery of my supporting gift. Cquote2.png