UnNews:Wikipedia Names Man of the Year

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The Time Magazine contest referred to as "pansy-ass", "disappointing", and "retarded" by Wikipedia editors.

7 November 2007
Wikipedia has, for the first time since it's creation in 19... something... declared it's own winner for Man of the Year. The founder of the famous online editable encyclopedia has told our sources that he "Always wanted Wikipedia to have a Man of the Year" but that he "never had the guts to say it." He continued to say that he was "dreadfully sorry" and "regretted everything".

After he "quit under mysterious circumstances," the people he named to be in charge in case of sudden demise held a quick and dirty "Man of the Year" contest similar to the one in Time Magazine, except with more foul language and "just a hint of racism", which is customary to Wikipedia. In spite of the title being called "sexist" by one of the employee chicks, the title is remaining the same according to the dead founder's wishes.

Several months ago, a special committee was created to name nominees. Most of the time, according to our sources, it was a chance for the admins to relax and spend time with their loved ones. However, at the 6 month anniversary of the founder's mysterious death, an hour and a half was devoted to the Man of the Year award.

A news conference was held prior to the announcement of the winner, where the chief editor of Wikipedia made several grandiose comments. He began by saying that "[The Wikipedia MotY] contest is better than Time Magazine's" and "[Wikipedia] is better than Time Magazine". Other editors have commented that Uncyclopedia, Wikipedia’s main competition, hasn't even announced a contest, "let alone had the BALLS to announce a winner". The chief editor continued to say that there were "many worthy contenders" this year, but that only one could be chosen given the time allotted.

[edit] The Candidates

The winner receives a pretty award that doubles as an action figure.

There were a total of 666 candidates in the pool for this years' MotY award. Some of the more prominent nominees from the modern era were Jared from the Subway commercials and George W. Bush. From history, prominent figures like King Tut, Jesus, and Adolf Hitler stood out as interesting candidates. Even fictional men like Superman, Dr. No and Emperor Palpatine were nominated.

The editors set up a criteria for honorable mentions and for the winner. According to our sources, these criteria were closely related to the features that "make up a man" in the eyes of the Wikipedia admins, editors, and IP addresses. For example, according to Wikipedia's article on how to be a man, any "Man of the Year" must be able to bench at least 200 pounds or look like he could bench 200 pounds in paintings drawn by royal artists. The nominee must also have been biologically a man most of the years of his life (which saved 66% of the nominees from exclusion). Other rules included having a strong bladder, belching abilities, and sexual prowess determined by historical literature. Extra points were given if the man had, quote, "shagged" more than 100 women in his lifetime, or if 200 randomly selected men thought he was good-looking enough to have done so.

[edit] The Winner

"The Winner"

"Yes, we have finally declared a winner," said the Chief Editor, "and we believe that this man can faithfully uphold the duties and expectations of being Wikipedia's Man of the Year." The actual Man of the Year, according to Staff is to be respected and praised "at any cost, lest The Man kick the shit outta you". This Man has been given the rights to "cut in any line He wants," to "have His proper noun capitalized," to "have His wang dang doodle cast and made into a bronze statue," and to have the right to "beat the crap out of any other man of the year winner or nominee from any magazine, time zone, or historical era he wants." An article will be included in Wikipedia on him to be no less than 30,000 words long and include no less than 500 little reference notes at the bottom of the page.

The Man of the Year can lose His title only under three conditions: If He loses any kind of physical contest, if He wasn't really a man to begin with, and if He refuses the award (in which case 3 Wikipedia admins of His choice will sacrifice themselves for his amusement).

"The Winner", as he will be known from now on, was unable to come to the phone and comment when UnNews tried to contact him, presumably because he was busy having sexual relations in his heart-shaped velvet bed, or was driving his racing-stripe-emblazoned Jaguar to his job as a Supermodel tester.

This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews member. See the talk page for more details.