UnNews:X-Factors Diana Vickers is a puppet

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

1 December 2008

Diana Vickers earlier today

London, England' – in sensational showbiz news today talkback-Thames the production company behind hit television show “The X Factor” revealed that one of the shows favourites, Diana Vickers, is in fact a puppet they manufactured themselves.

They admitted they designed and constructed the marionette in secret in the basement of their London headquarters and that the string puppet took nearly 3 years to complete.

Made from mostly wood and plastic the life sized puppet, believed to be the legacy of ex- judge Sharon Osbourne, is remarkably realistic. All the more surprising is that she is controlled by just one puppeteer using only 7 strings, the puppeteer (or manipulator) wished to remain anonymous but is believed to have once worked on Gerry Andersons cult-classic Thunderbirds television series in the 1960s.

Insiders on the show admitted “It’s why we usually had to start with Diana sitting or lying down, the puppeteer would then pull her into a standing position and manipulate her round the stage”, he further confessed “it’s obvious when you look closely, the way she brings her knees up as she walks and often you can see that her feet aren’t quite touching the ground, the puppeteer in my opinion also over manipulates her hands around her face as she sings, that totally destroyed the realism for me, I can’t believe we’ve got away with it this long!”.

The revelation explains why the “singer” never danced as was a frequent criticism of Judge Louis Walsh, and also why she was always barefoot on stage as a wardrobe assistant on the show explained “we just had too much trouble trying to squeeze shoes onto the wooden feet, there was no dexterous joints built into the toes you see, her feet were just carved from a single piece of wood and were far too big and also a bit of a funny shape”.

The show is no stranger to puppet related controversy after the announcement last year that previous winner Will Young was in fact a discarded Muppet from Jim Henderson’s 1970’s TV show.

Simon Cowell is holding onto his ears

Staying with the show and Simon Cowell has promised that he will do the decent thing and have Eoghan Quigg put down if he fails to reach the final. Eoghan, also manufactured just for the TV show, was a genetic experiment designed to create the perfect boy-band singer by splicing the DNA of a Hobbit with a Golden Retriever puppy. By Simon Cowell’s own admission the experiment went “horribly wrong” and the contestant is turning increasingly violent as the weeks wear on, soon he is expected to turn completely feral and will have to be destroyed before he follows through on his promise to bite Simon’s ears off.

UnNews Logo Potato.png
This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.