UnScripts:It's Definitely NOT A Prostitution Sting Operation
A one-act without subtlety.
- The scene opens on a street corner. Juan, an averagely-dressed man, is having a conversation with a male prostitute who he believes to be female prostitute named Trixie.
Juan: A/S/L, Sugartits.
Trixie: Twenty-two, female, Red Light District. You?
Juan: Twenty five, male, stage left. Not a cop. My feet are numb.
Trixie: Let me suck on them baby.
Juan: I'm enjoying this sexually explicit conversation with what is clearly an attractive female prostitute. Perhaps we should move this to a more sexual location, like a hotel. In this hotel we can commit sexual acts, with our sexual organs.
Trixie: Are you a cop?
Juan: No. I don't even have the cop face! Or the cop mouth. Or the cop tact.
Trixie: Yeah you're right. You don't look like an undercover cop. I believe you. All I had to do was ask and I knew I'd get an honest answer.
Trixie: Let us commit sexual acts for which you will pay me for beforehand as you are not a cop as I have just asked you if you were a cop.
Juan: Yes. Let us. Now I'm going to just...uhh...call in this radio... [Juan picks up his walkie-talkie] To uhh...call in some uhh pizza. You look the other way.
Trixie: [looking away] Forget the pizza. Let's do this.
Juan: Yes. I am not a cop. If I was a cop, would I really pay for prostitution?
Trixie: I NO RITE?
Juan: Of course not. Because cops don't do that. Cops clean trash, not sleep with hooker womens.
Trixie: Or, would you tell me that you're not a cop if you were a cop? That's lying. Lying is a sin. Let's have sex now for moneys.
Juan: And I am no sinner, so lets fornicate.
Trixia: Me neither. I'm just your well-to-do prostitute. Let us engage in coitus.
- The scene is a motel room. Juan is sitting on the edge of the bed. Trixie is sitting beside him.
Juan: I am going to take off my clothes and try to get somewhat erect.
Trixie: Do you have handcuffs for roleplaying?
Trixie: Oh okay. Well thank goodness you told me you weren't a cop, because I'd be very suspicious.
Juan: I had these handcuffs...because I am expecting handcuff foreplay of course.
Trixie: I want you to put a cigar out on my clitoris, baby.
Juan: I don't know if I should do that. Just imagine all the paperwork...for my diary.
Trixie: Do you have any friends in police uniforms that would be interested in partaking in our roleplay?
Juan: Plenty! I know a lot actually. In fact, I work with many of them.
Trixie: That's hawt. I want you so bad right now baby.
Juan: I am not a baby.
Trixie: Do you know any babies?
Juan: I am a man that is currently undercover. And I do not know any babies.
[A voice chimes in from offstage]
Voice [Stranger] He's a "hunk"! Call him that!
Juan: [in the direction of the voice] Who are you?
Juan: [to Stranger] I did not see you in this hotel room. [to Trixie] yes undercover for this...uh...insurance...thing.
Trixie: Oh. Right! You sound like a busy man. Must be stressful. Want a back massage?
Juan: Can you explain who this other person is?
Trixie: No I cannot.
Juan: You cannot?
Trixie: Can I wear a strap-on while I give you a back massage with baby oil?
Juan: Well it would be hard to do my undercover work if you do that...
Stranger: Oh, me? I'm a commentator.
Juan: That's interesting. Do you also commit illegal acts? And if so, where do you live?
Trixie: [rubbing Juan's back] Living is hot. You're so sexy when you ask questions like that.
Stranger: not really, but I don't care if you commit illegal acts.
Juan: Well, I don't commit illegal acts. I arrest people who commit illegal acts.
Trixie: [interrupting Juan] Alright Stranger, $20 to watch or get the hell out.
Stranger: [to Juan] Oh. That's nice. [fans self; to Trixie] I have fifteen.
Juan: No actually you two should stay, this will look better on my report.
Trixie: Fifteen will do.
[Stranger hands over $15 to Trixie]
Juan: I might as well read you your Miranda rights, because it's always good to know your Miranda rights...
Stranger: I'm so tired of being unsure about these things...
- The scene is the same hotel room. Everyone is in their undergarments.
Trixie: I have to tell you something.
Juan: This is making me nervous.
Stranger: Oh, dear.
Juan: I have to tell you something also...
Trixie: I'm an actor. That person is an actor. You're on MTV's Disaster Date!
Juan: I'm not...the man you think I am...wait what?
Trixie: Your friend Steve set you up!
Juan: OH SHIT STEVEE! DAMN YOU STEVEE!
[Trixie and Stranger laugh and clap; cameramen come out]
Juan: THAT STEVE! FUCKING KIDDER.
Stranger: DAMN THAT WAS FUN
Juan: I HATE YOU STEVE! I'M SO GOING TO GET YOU! But seriously, you fucking sluts are arrested.