UnScripts:Michael Bay's The Godfather
In honour of the 27th anniversary of Francis Ford Coppola's movie version of Mario Puzo's novel "The Godfather", Paramount Studios contracted auteur film maker Michael Bay to film a remake. After Bay's string of financial successes, he was given free rein by the studio and immediately set about writing the script for what he hoped would become his masterpiece. Of the movie, Bay said:
|FAIL| A lot of people want to remake "The Godfather". I mean, it's awesome. You have all these influences. You got Italy. You got France. You got Spain. And the acting was really shitty in the original, so I'm focussing my work there. Where someone in the original would have said "Hey, whaddya gonna do, nice college boy, eh? Didn't want to get mixed up in the Family business, huh? Now you wanna gun down a police captain. Why? Because he slapped ya in the face a little bit? Hah? What do you think this is the Army, where you shoot 'em a mile away? You've gotta get up close like this and - bada-BING! - you blow their brains all over your nice Ivy League suit.", my characters would say "Hey, want to borrow my flamethrower and roast some pig?", and also add in a little hip thrusting. I mean, who's going to sit through a load of nonsense like in the original? Streamlining, man. It's the twenty first century. Somehow, even though I have a 1:10 dialogue ratio with the original, it still goes on for six hours. But I don't need an editor. I'm too cool. Woo!||FAIL|
Don Vito Corleone - Bruce Willis
Michael Corleone - Shia LaBeouf
Kay Adams - Megan Fox
Fredo Corleone - Steve Buscemi
Santino "Sonny" Corleone - Ben Affleck
Luca Brasi - The Rock
Peter Clemenza - Cuba Gooding Jr.
Tom Hagen - Billy Bob Thornton
Capt. McCluskey - Martin Lawrence
Jack Woltz - Owen Wilson
Don Barzini - Sean Connery
Carlo Rizzi - Keanu Reeves
Other Characters - Various hot chicks with low cut tops and muscular meathead dudes. YEAH!
It is 1946 New York. We open on a wedding scene. It is the wedding day of Don Vito Corleone's daughter Connie. She is played by a Playboy model. We see various shots of relations and friends of the Corleones drinking, talking, and some chicks dancing in slow motion to a cool rock song. Something from the seventies, you know. We then cut to a nearby dimly lit office. Don Vito Corleone listens to a small Sicilian man recant his tale. We cut between the face of the Don and of the Sicilian man every second to make the scene a lot more interesting. Awesome!
Sicilian Man: America has been kind to me. Her milk has provided me with many children, who I love dearly. But my eldest daughter, she is an idiot. She wears sweaters that do not expose her breasts. She has been running away from explosions in slow motion a lot less than usual. She is different to people like you and me, people who speak in clichés and patriotic tripe. Then two weeks ago, I saw her reading a book. A book! This is America. She doesn't even have a nice rack. I tried to provide for her, but no matter how hard I try, she won't get into a car chase or have an inane love affair. I don't know what to do.
A hand comes from offscreen and gives the man a glass of brandy.
Don Vito Corleone: And what is it you want me to do on this day of days my daughter's wedding who I love and think is great?
Sicilian Man: Oh Godfather, your horribly written dialogue just brings home the fact that I need you to do this.
Don Vito: Then what is it you want me to do?
The man stands up and whispers something, inaudible to us, into the Don's ear. He then sits back down.
Don Vito: That I cannot do.
Sicilian Man: Please Godfather, I just want justice.
Don Vito: That is not justice. Your daughter could become the vessel of sludge which you seek, if you just give her time. You don't come to me in friendship, even though I fathered your wife's baby. You don't even think to call me Godfather.
Sicilian Man: Then make her suffer as I suffer, Godfather.
Don Vito: Okay, Sicilian Man. I will grant you this wish on this the day of my daughter's wedding who I love and think is great.
Sicilian Man: Oh thank you, Godfather! You will be rewarded in Heaven for this.
The man leaves. We see the full room for the first time. As well as the Don, Sonny and Tom Hagen are present, drinking and thinking. That rhymes. Cool!
Don Vito: Santino, send around a foot soldier. Someone reliable, with good hair. An American, with a family, not some freedom-hating Liberal. They're destroying this country. Remember that, Sonny.
Sonny Corleone: Right Pops. You know I love you. You're my father.
Don Vito: And I love you too Sonny. But you won't be head of this Family.
Sonny Corleone: What? Why?
Don Vito: Because your explosive temper can give you a three dimensional character, something I will not tolerate.
Sonny Corleone: You're right Pops. You're always right. I love you.
Tom Hagen: Luca Brasi is here to see you.
Don Vito: Thank you, Tom. You know I love you too even though you're not my real son. I just found you on the street and I love you and I think you're great.
Tom Hagen: Aw pop...
Tom goes away to cry. Luca Brasi comes in.
Luca Brasi: Hello, Godfather, the man who I love and adore and have served under for lots of years and who I carry out killings for.
Don Vito: Hello Luca my most trusted henchman who I love and adore in return and who I ask to carry out killings for me and then you do.
Luca Brasi: I have come to offer you my best wishes for the future of you and the future of all future Dons, to give you a present and to tell you your son Michael is outside.
Don Vito: Thank you Luca. So Michael is here? Let's get high to celebrate and also to serve the dual purpose of comic relief.
Luca Brasi: Okay.
We change scene to outside the office at the wedding. Michael Corleone with his new girlfriend Kay Adams enter that party and are greeted by various guests present. Michael is dressed in an army uniform stained with the blood of American patriots. They sit at a table.
Kay Adams: Wow, so this is like, where you live? It's so awesome.
Michael Corleone: Yeah totally. I've just come back from fighting in the war which is where I met you when you were a lady sniper with a low cut top that made your rack jiggle every time you shot someone.
The next thirty minutes are scene of Michael and Kay fighting in the war. Michael shoots a German tank with a pistol and it totally blows up! The explosion goes into the sky and blinds a Japanese pilot flying a Zero who crashes into The Statue of Liberty and it blows up! Then Michael comes upon two totally cool robots that can transform! They look like normal Chevrolets but they're actually robots that punch and kick stuff that blows up! Then Michael and Kay find an atomic bomb and mail it to Hitler and the bomb blows up and Hitler dies! There's no dialogue. Who needs dialogue when there's robots and explosions?! We cut back to the wedding party. The Don approaches Kay and Michael.
Michael: Here's my father now.
Don Vito: Michael! My favourite son who'll take over the family when I die. Even though it would seem you don't want to.
Michael: This is Kay. I met her when the Germans attacked Pearl Harbour in 1932.
Don Vito: Oh Kay!
We hold for three beats, as if there was dialogue it wouldn't be heard over the laughing of the audience on account of the hilarious comic relief of the previous line. It was a pun of the word "okay", just in case you didn't get that.
Michael: Oh, I get it. Me and Kay fought in the war.
Don Vito: I knew you'd return a hero. My son, fighting against threats to democracy, freedom and the perfection that is American foreign policy. I'm going out to buy some oranges. My driver called in sick today so Fredo is driving me in to K-Mart. You want anything?
Michael: Only your love and respect pops. I don't think you can buy that in K-Mart.
Hold for ten beats due to expected audience laughter.
We have a small scene here with Luca Brasi. He is in a bar for some reason that I didn't catch when I watched the original. Oh yeah, he's infiltrating a rival Family. Anyway, just as he is being accepted into the Family, they stab him in the hand and garrotte him to death. Or so it would seem. Luca feigns death and just as the rival Don turns his back Luca takes out an M-16 and fires at him. The Don hides behind a pillar and throws some grenades that cause a cool explosion! Luca shoots at a light hanging over the Don's hiding spot. The light falls and kills the Don.
Luca Brasi: You were the light of my life.
But just then an asteroid crashes through the roof and kills Luca Brasi! It looks totally awesome and we see the building from the outside as it falls down. It almost crushes a baby, but at the last minute a robot saves the baby! Another robot then comes along and fights with the first robot for an hour until the non-baby saving robot falls off of the Brooklyn Bridge and the bridge falls on top of him! Cool!
Fredo and Don Vito are at a market. Fredo looks after the old time car while the Don approaches a nearby fruit seller and buys some oranges. Just then an army of ninjas come running down the street and start firing guns and throwing nunchucks at the Don! Fredo fumbles with his gun which goes into a sewer and blows up! Fredo then hides in the car. The Don takes out a rocket launcher and fires at a group of ninjas, but he accidentally hits the Chrysler building which falls down and explodes!
Don Vito: I'm gonna make you an asshole you can't refuse.
The Don throws away the rocket launcher and instead takes out his car keys. The ninjas look at him as if to say "they're only car keys!" but the Don presses the button and it beeps and the old style car with Fredo inside it transforms into a giant robot! Then the robot rips the top off of a building and lots of people fall out of it and he drops the building on the ninjas and the ninjas die! But then a stupid old guy in a hat shoots the Don with a Luger and the Don dies. The robot changes back into a car and Fredo approaches his dead father.
Fredo Corleone: Oh Pop! Is this what modern liberal America has become? I loved you and needed you and I've failed you. Now I'm sad.
A two second long scene showing the Don's funeral.
Meanwhile, Tom Hagen is in Las Vegas negotiating with producer Jack Woltz. Woltz shows him a thorough bred horse which Tom eyes excitedly. They then enter Woltz's house where they both have dinner and talk.
Jack Woltz: ...and that's why Armageddon is the greatest film ever.
Tom Hagen: Awesome! It was really great. But I've come to talk to you about the film version of Don Vito's life.
Jack: Oh yes. My dream project. I think Jimmy Stewart should play the Don.
Tom: No. Vertigo was crap. The Don wants Humphrey Bogart.
Jack: That washed up hack? You go home and you tell your boss he can kiss my ass.
Tom: The Don never asks a second favour once he's been refused the first.
Jack: Didn't he die?
Tom: Well yeah, but I'm still in Las Vegas so I don't know.
Jack: Right. So get out of my house please, ya Kraut-Mick bastard. Oh, by the way, did you like my horse?
Tom: I think he had a nice head on his shoulders. He'll go nice with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. FEFEFEFEFEFEFEFE!
Jack: Okay. Send me a postcard.
Tom leaves. We cut to the next morning. Jack is asleep in bed with a Playboy model with a nice rack. She gets her rack out and leaves. Jack notices something wrong with the bed. He finds blood. Then more blood. He pulls back the bed sheets and sees his horse's head.
Jack: I knew I shouldn't have refused the Don a favour and now he's had someone kill my horse and put the horse's head in my bed to scare me and teach me a lesson. ARGH!
Michael is going to a restaurant. I can't remember why. Anyway he has to kill a police captain while he's there. So he goes in and finds a flamethrower taped to the back of the toilet and brings it out and kills the Captain! The orange glow of the flames blinds a cop driving by. The cop's car goes up a convenient placed ramp and crashes into a low flying helicopter! And then the helicopter crashes into The Empire State Building and it collapses! But then Michael has to leave America because the police captain's death has caused a gang war. He leaves behind Kay who looks really sad but her rack looks nice. Fredo, Sonny and Tom Hagen are all proud of Michael for getting more involved in the family business. Tom goes to the train station and catches a train to Sicily. Just as it leaves the station, an asteroid hits it and it explodes! Flames lick at the back carriage of the train but it escapes. Then halfway across the land mass that connects America and Sicily another train heads towards the train that Michael is on! He jumps out just as the train explodes, but infiltrates a nearby army base and finds some Nazis that want to clone Hitler! He blows up that base with a HUGE explosion and finds a jetpack and flies to Sicily where he finds Mussolini! He kills Mussolini with a hand grenade and says "awesome"! He decides to return to America when he hears of the death of his brother Sonny (which happens in the awesome next scene!)!
Sonny and Fredo are going somewhere but I don't know where and I think it was only Sonny in the original. Anyway, they approach a toll booth.
Fredo: Oh Sonny, I feel so guilty about letting our father get killed.
Sonny: Don't worry about it. I never liked him anyway. But poor Michael having to go to Sicily? I mean, I know he hates Asia.
Fredo: Here's a toll booth. Why don't you get out and pay the money so as the barrier will go up and we can continue on our journey?
Sonny gets out to pay the toll. The sky darkens and hundreds of small asteroids strike Sonny at every part of his body! Fredo is paralysed with fear as usual and pretends not to notice. Sonny dies. Fredo drives away.
Michael has returned from Sicily after two years because of his brother's death. New York City is pretty much the same place and his Family needs him. He meets with Kay outside of a school were she teaches.
Michael: Kay. I've been in Sicily.
Kay: I thought you hated Asia.
Michael: I do. But I had to leave. My killing of Captain McCluskey made me a wanted man and started a gang war.
Kay: Oh Michael, you have a way with words. Hold me in your toned arms!
Kay: So what action filled adventures did you get into while you were in Sicily?
Michael: I married this totally awesome chick but she got blown up by a car bomb. The explosion was great! You would have loved it. Boy, we had to change the rugs that week. Hoo hoo.
Kay: You married another woman? But you love me. Or do you?
Kay: Fair enough. Seeing as I married Fredo.
Michael: You married Fredo? What the hell is wrong with you? HE'S AN IDIOT!
Kay: Michael, don't shout. I'm not deaf.
Michael: I'm so sorry Kay. I don't know what came over me. So how did it end up?
Kay: Fredo crashed his car into the Colosseum while he was on holiday in France.
We see a flashback to the Colosseum blowing up. It's totally awesome and really orange!
Michael: I have to become the Godfather now. Asteroids killed Sonny and I cannot let that lie.
Kay: Michael, please...
Michael: I'm launching my family into space, Kay. We have to blow up the moon or it'll hit Earth.
Kay: Your father would never have done that!
Michael: I am not my father, Kay.
This is like totally the coolest scene in the movie. Michael has financed a space mission to the moon to blow it up to save Earth. President Reagan makes a speech to Earth before they launch.
President Reagan: Today, the Corleone family launches its space mission into space. We salute these brave men. To some of you, these men are killers, thugs. No, I'm not calling you thugs. I used that comma instead of using the word "or". Anyway, God may not like what these men have done, but the laws of God are not America's laws. These men are the last hope for humanity. And by God, when I was elected in 1932, I served my normal seven year term with dignity. Dignity for you, America!
The American crowd clap madly for their awesome President. Not madly as in angrily, just they clap kind of loudly. A shot of the Corleone family, Michael, Fredo and Tom Hagen in orange astronaut suits approaching the landing deck. A tearful Kay waves to her beloved Michael, leaving Fredo looking a little sad. Oh wait, didn't he die? Ah screw it, we'll edit that in post production. I am so jumped up right now! Then a shot of an American flag gently blowing in the wind in front of a sunset, symbolising America's greatness. Plus it looks awesome! The men reach the launch elevator and get into the Space Shuttle.
Michael: This is it fellas. We're the last hope.
Fredo: I love you guys. You're like brothers to me.
Tom: Aw Fredo...
Tom Hagen begins to cry. The men flick some switches.
Michael: Oxygen systems optimal.
Fredo: Nuclear payload system attached and read to go.
Tom: Let's shake, rattle and roll! Hold on to your seats! It's gonna be a bumpy ride!
Tom flicks a switch and the shuttle blasts off. The blast from the exhausts accidentally blows up the pyramids in India! Awesome! The rocket launches into the sky and through the atmosphere into space. It head towards the moon and lands on it.
Michael: Docking system engaged.
Fredo: The Corleones have landed.
Tom: Let's shake, rattle and roll.
Tom presses a button and a drill totally goes into the moon's surface. Then a warhead falls into the hole. The shuttle leaves the moon and Fredo pushes the detonator! The moon blows up with the sound travelling through the vacuum of space because it's awesome! The men land in New York to rapturous applause. Kay and Michael get married, but the wedding breaks down into a fight over who the new Don will be. Fredo, Tom and Michael get into a fight which Kay has to stop. But she is pushed back and her rack is totally exposed! She then jumps up and down in slow motion for ten minutes! I don't know why, but it's awesome!
The final scene takes place in the Don's office where Michael is crowned Don. Kay enters the office.
Kay: So now my husband is the Don.
The whole room explodes! I don't know why. I'll write in a reason in the sequel. Michael and Kay run through the halls with Kay's rack bouncing up and down! Roll credits and Oscar nominations. Hey didn't this movie used to have a plotline about Connie Corleone and the rival Don Barzini? Ah screw it. I'll edit it in post production. Awesome!
Trailer for Inevitable Sequel