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ADOPTEES: Feel free to contact any available person on this list, but do so one at a time. We don't want any custody battles just because you gave your name to everyone on the list, and they all answered with a resounding YES. Patience.

We even have a wonderful ignorable color-coded system to help you out. Red means the adopter is not around. Green means the adopter is around. Gold means the adopter is an admin, dark green means the adopter is a penis, and blue mean the adopter likes cheesecake.

ADOPTERS: Got time to kill? Did your plant die and you're too cheap to buy a dog? PWN a n00b today for fun and profit, or lack of anything better to do.

(Start again.)

If you'd like to help new users to "succeed" here (whatever that means to you), by providing mentorship, sign up here. Just a few things to keep in mind:

  • Adopters should be available often to help their adoptees.
  • Adopters should have a minimum of 500 edits.
  • Adopters should not have any recent blocks (last 6 months) or vandalism (last 3 months).
  • Adopters should not be current adoptees.

Relatively active adopters[edit]

Adopter Admin? Accepting adoptees Activity On Uncyclopedia / Notes
Template:U No. Wait, wha??? One at a time ladies. I'm usually here physically, if not mentally. Well let's see... I've been here for about seven years now, written 50 featured articles and have totally overcome my compulsive lying disorder. I want a young warrior to train in the ways of the samurai, someone who will ultimately replace me and rule over everything you see before you. Leave a message here if you think you can handle that.
Template:U Aye. Yes indeed. I'm here most days. I've been here for many, many moons. Or three years, depending on which hideous aberration of the truth you wish to believe. I've done a little bit of this, that and the other but it has left me feeling hugely unfulfilled and desperate for validation of some kind. I'm looking for a fun loving new user who likes long periods sat at a computer, for laughs, tears and maybe more.

You can leave me a message on my talk page, you know you want to.

Template:U Nope. If I was, I wouldn't tell you, anyways. Element of surprise and such. Go for it, man. I'll buy you cigarettes, beer, and rolling papers, plus I'll let you stay out late. I'm always here. I do a bit of maintenance, a bit of voting. Most of my writing is done off-site, but I have a feature under my belt.

There goes the neighborhood.

Template:U yes, no not really REPEALED sure why not? I am on most All days (I have no life you see), though occasionally I may disappear for a while. I do not write many articles, but I am happy to help those trying and offer advice. I mainly work behind the scenes and do the stuff you probably don't want to do. I own you therefore!

Contact me on my talk page.

Template:U Wish I was after a number of years, but no, I am not and never will be admin. Accepting anyone. Black, White, Asian, who cares? Available on weekends, holidays, or any day in particular. Send me a message, and 50% of the time I answer. I wrote several articles over the past three years, did a bit of VFH and IC, and still writing articles, mostly on userspace so that when it is complete, it's moved. I do Pee Review and I plan to write my magnum opus.

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my talk page, so call me maybe.

Oliphaunte My compulsive nature of adding the word 'ladies' to the end of my sentences has deemed me by the admins as a harrasment liability, as well as a sexual threat...ladies. Like pancakes, the more the better. Also, bring pancakes. Usually here when not fighting crime in the hard streets of Gotham. If you need me, just leave a message on my talk-page, or turn the light beacon on. Either way, I'll swoop in to save you. Couple of features or something. Do a lot of pee reviews, some edits, voting etc. Just waiting for the day when I realize all the hours I waste on here could be better spent doing something useful, like finishing that cold-fusion reactor that is just beta decaying in my basement. Someday, you'll realize it too, you'll see. You'll all see.

In the meantime though, feel free to ask me to adopt you. I'll be accepting new requests for as long as until the admins realize I put my name on here and shut me down.

Template:U Oh you're funny! Nope, I've already got three (whoa, how did that happen?). All the time! I've been here for a little over a year, now. To find out the real length of time go here and do a bit of math. Anyway, I've written some awesome articles, a certain number of which have been featured (go to my userpage and count the templates). I've don some other cool awesome amazing fabulous some-what notable stuff, like win some awards, get a picture featured and become second-in-command of the grue army. But all joking aside, once I've adopted you, if there is something you need to know, I'll try my hardest to find out for you, if I don't already the answer (which is impossible because I know everything). So ya... pick me because I'm awsome, and more importantly I'm magical. What more could you ask for?
Mattsnow No, no adminship for me, I write and help people rather than playing the Nazi Overlord. Oh, yes, I like to help new users! I log in everyday, being hooked on this website is better than being hooked on crack I guess. I authored some good articles, I also like to do collaborative work on articles from time to time. I take care of the recent UnNews in a pretty mellow fashion since I am a pretty mellow guy, and I think the perfect n00b for me would be someone who is a beginner or average at formatting, but would want to learn the ropes as far as writing is concerned.

I'll be very happy to help you out on your journey on Uncyclopedia! If you want to read a nice one I wrote before making your choice, here it is: Heaven's Gate. Feel free to contact me, I bite only when rude people tickle me behind the ears! Since I'm always on top-secret missions, our rendez-vous point would be right here behind the abandoned wooden shed. The password is: "Conspiracy kook".

Mhaille Maybe Pick up the phone, I'm always home. Call me any time. Around In a round about way this crazy page was actually my idea. Fairly decent record with featured images and articles, I consider myself pretty n00b-friendly.

Dirty deeds, done dirt cheap.

Template:U Ahhhhh ha ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah right! Haahahahahaha! ME...ADMIN!?!?!?!? Lots of work, no thanks. I adopted 35 ethiopinan orphans, but none here. I write stuff people dont understand. I write more stuff on pages behind the scene that seems like its own language. I write stuff in forums that add a fourth dimention to cognitive incomprehension. But yet...some how people respond. Hmm. Drop me a line here Im always happy to help/interact with people with questions or anyone who needs constructive criticism or ideas or how to figure out stuff here. I write, do stuff, and write stuff and do stuff. I avoid not doing things and I particularly try hard not to not write. Your head hangs in the balance.
Template:U Nope Currently Accepting I have a fair bit of time on my hands - UK time, I'm from the land of rain and kilts. I do some stuff around here, I've a few features now and many of the major awards. I'm generally considered a positive presence on the site.

Hope I'll be able to help:-)

Template:U Yes. Take a chance take a chance take a chance on me! Always on

I do lots of stuff when lots of stuff is available to be done. Recently, there's really been nothing to do. So I guess I do nothing. Especially not Pee Reviews.

I only adopt users who are better than me.
Template:U Yes. Willing to accept new adoptees. I'm on here way more than I should be. I'm around a lot. I write, revert vandalism, clean up pages, vote on VFH and VFD. I've won a couple of awards and have written some featured articles. Drop by my talkpage if you're interested.
Template:U lolno I'll do some adopting. I'm around from like 8 in the morning til' 3 in the afternoon EST on weekdays. No features (yet), but I've had nominations and stuff. I also made a game in UnGames.