Like any Bureaucrat worth their collective salts, they are experts at paperwork, excel at taking bribes, and have large, cushy asses.
And like any bureaucracy, Uncyclopedia is littered with an excessive number of middle managers: the rookie bureaucrats who actually show up on a daily basis and shoulder actual workload, and the experts who've figured out how to do nothing but still get paid.
Duties of Bureaucrats
Bureaucrats are your friends. They are the ones that keep the grand site of Uncyclopedia running smoothly and swiftly.
In this respect, one could compare them to expert auto mechanics in their duties. A well-oiled machine will progress without any problems, and will look much nicer overall. This applies to Uncyclopedia articles, the jokes in them, and the site in general. A well-oiled Uncyclopedia would short-circuit from being jammed with liquid.
This is the duty of a bureaucrat. Keeping sticky, smelly oil out of the site is a full-time job, and needs the aid of tireless bureaucrats to keep it out. One would think that all that is needed is a good sysop armed with the mystical ban-hammer, but even auto mechanics require the use of a waiver every now and then. Have you SEEN the logs of all the vandals who got banned, only to try and sue the staff? This is where a bureaucrat comes in, laying down the law. This keeps potentially good articles on the path to improvement, impotentially good articles out of the site, and generally keeps the site from going too fast, as mentioned above. Why is a fast site bad? Well just like a car, a machine in good shape that is going too fast for its own limits is prone to crashing.
What makes bureaucrats different from regular sysops?
As mentioned above, a Bureaucrat deals with the rights of users. Most sysops are usually just that, sysops. However, a few special users have the additional power of spawning others like them. With the ever-expanding construction of the site, the amount of users needing help (as well as vandals that come over from elsewhere) constantly increases. This merely means that the higher-up grease monkeys (bureaucrats) bring in a nephew or niece to help out. Whether the issue involves teaching future mechanics the ropes, getting into small, hard-to-reach places, not wanting to get physically scarred from any dangerous moving parts themselves, or just being really lazy, sometimes the bureaucrats must find a newbie sysop to do the jobs they just need some help on.
A Day in the Life
Bureaucrats (at least, the ones that actually come in every day and are saddled with actual workloads) have very busy schedules. However, they hold fast to ideals that many Uncyclopedia supporters admire and emulate. Many of these users might wonder what motivates them to work tirelessly for the good of the site. Our UnNews team has managed to snag a few words of insight with the following interview.
1. First off, how did you find Uncyclopedia in the first place?
- Like most, I arrived at Uncyc via a Google search for "yuky doody." Actually I saw it linked on the Straight Dope Message Board, which I frequented in years past. Not so much now. Back in those days (March 2005) you could check every single edit yourself and the main page wasn't protected, as you can see by suggestions like "Try writing about: Kanye Bush." User:Rcmurphy/sig 22:37, 6 October 2007 (UTC)
- Someone linked me to an article. I don't even remember who it was, but it was a link in an IM, and I can assure you of that. Regardless, I came, I acted like an idiot, then soon after I was trained by a legend in his own time (Splarka) and became a sysop. I have been semi-active ever since meeting the almighty master of Uncyclopedia at the Uncyclomania conference at Harvard. He was wearing a grue t-shirt and offered me Bureaucratship, which I accepted. In proper bureaucrat form, I became much less active and notably funnier. User:Dawg/sig 2007.10.11.02:38
- I'm a friend of Chron the Mad, so when I came upon the place and started editing stuff, he was all, like "Whoah! A giant puff pastry, let's admin it! This is the greatest moment of my life!", and then scuttled off to attack and plunder villages in hopes of finding Sophia. In reality, I'm a friend of Chron the Mad, so when I came upon the place and started editing stuff, he was all, like "Whoah! A giant puff pastry, let's admin it! This is the greatest moment of my life!", and then scuttled off to attack and plunder villages in hopes of finding Sophia. --User:Flammable/sig 21:48, 19 October 2007 (UTC)
- In the beginning, there was the internet. And it was good. And later, there were more things, like porn. Though, not much later. Porn is very virile, you see. Anyway, I got distracted. What was the question? Oh right. How did I find Uncyclopedia. Yeah. About that. I didn't so much "find" Uncyclopedia as much as I had it thrust upon me. You see, one of my friends dropped me a line and told me to look at this awesome idea for a website. So, I did. This was back when the main page had 3 columns, was entirely edited by hand, and *before* Sauron was lord of the dance. --PantsMacKenzie 03:00, 15 November 2007 (UTC)
2. In your mind, what is the true duty of the bureaucrat?
- Bureaus really don't carry that much more responsibility than regular admins. The only power we wield is the ability to create new ops and bureaus, and since admins are usually decided by community consensus, we're really just tools of the people. But really, really attractive tools. And scientific, objective analysis has proven that we're even cooler and sexier than normal admins, if you can believe that.
- Also, when I first saw this question I read it as "... the true deity," and I was going to respond, obviously, with Sophia. Benson, Fluffy, Tortilla and the rest are pathetic imitations of godhood. User:Rcmurphy/sig 22:37, 6 October 2007 (UTC)
- We're the lowliest of admins, yet the least-noticed. Like digestive tract bacteria, we keep everything in proper working order. On top of normal admin duties, we produce admins, who shovel the poop while we vacation in Tahiti. User:Dawg/sig 2007.10.11.02:38
- It's not really much different from being a sysop. We pretend to exert more power over the regular adminatti, but it's sort of like telling your vacuum to use suction. On the plus side, we get special hats. I love my hat.--User:Flammable/sig 21:48, 19 October 2007 (UTC)
- Break stuff. I'm good at that. Throwing rocks at things that deserve it. Truly, the job of a bureaucrat is the same as that of a sysop, clean the cruft, ban the users, settle disputes, etc. Also, we get cool t-shirts. --PantsMacKenzie 03:00, 15 November 2007 (UTC)
- Tricky, tricky... note that there is a difference between User:BENSON and User:Benson. The former is an imposter, the latter is the real Benson (despite his affinity for ALL CAPS, Benson's username is capitalized properly). Although I'm not privy to this particular information, I am guessing that User:BENSON is a sock of PantsMacKenzie or some other admin. User:Rcmurphy/sig 23:28, 6 October 2007 (UTC)
- Because we like messing with our loyal subjects. As RC said, he's an admin sock. User:Dawg/sig 2007.10.11.02:38
- I don't remember. I think I passed out on the couch when it all happened.--User:Flammable/sig 21:48, 19 October 2007 (UTC)
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. what? --PantsMacKenzie 03:00, 15 November 2007 (UTC)
4. Bureaucrats must have some significant influence to the rest of Wikia. Is this true?
- Not that I'm aware of, since Uncyc bureaucrats only function on Uncyc itself. Except for Sannse, because she's both an Uncyc contributor and a Wikia Staff member, meaning she technically has bureau power on Uncyc, but since it wasn't bestowed on her by the community, to my knowledge she doesn't use it except maybe in her official capacity as Staff. Oh, and around half of our bureaus are also longtime contributors to the Muppets Wikia. User:Rcmurphy/sig 23:28, 6 October 2007 (UTC)
- Most are only bureaus here. I was staff for a bit and for some reason I'm an admin on a number of Wikia wikis. Something about my personality, sexiness, or possibly my ability to write arcane extensions for MediaWiki in the arcane language of PHP, but I only accept the first two and will strike you dead with a lightning bolt if you ever claim otherwise. User:Dawg/sig 2007.10.11.02:38
- Nope. None. Sometimes, in a desperate attempt to pretend like I have power outside this microcosm of hideous misfits and degenerates, I talk smack to a small cloth hand-puppet I named Wikia. It doesn't make me feel better. --User:Flammable/sig 21:48, 19 October 2007 (UTC)
- The only kind of influence I might have over the rest of Wikia is derived from my extra strong foot odor. They'll do anything to keep that away. Seriously, though, our virulent reach only extends to the festering pile that is Uncyclopedia. Yes. someday. Someday... --PantsMacKenzie 03:00, 15 November 2007 (UTC)
5. What would you say to Keitei being the sexiest of the bureaucrats, as inferred from this old forum post?
- All I can say is that if Uncyc was female-dominated, we men bureaus would be fighting off the ladies at every step...
- ... No, I can't say that with a straight face. I've seen some of the bureaus and we are a funny-looking bunch. But we ARE really nice, helpful and cool. User:Rcmurphy/sig 23:28, 6 October 2007 (UTC)
- That she is not.
- Pants is pretty freaking sexy, and so is Chronarion. Rcmurphy is, too, as far as I know. Regardless, she's not. User:Dawg/sig 2007.10.11.02:38
- No comment. I don't remember if she's legal yet and it would cost a fortune to remove anything beginning with "statutory" from my police records.--User:Flammable/sig 21:48, 19 October 2007 (UTC)
- Keitei is pretty awesome. But, in a contest of sheer sexiness, I think that User:Flammable wins. Not that there's anything wrong with Keitei, but... I mean, Flammable. --PantsMacKenzie 03:00, 15 November 2007 (UTC)
6. Bureaucrats have the power to hire sysops, correct? If you were to hire one, what qualities would they have to have?
- Well, nobody gets paid in UncycLand, but if by "hire" you mean "appoint," then yes. If I was to stage an interview for sysops I would break out the toughest questions I could think of, like "Why are pineapples called pineapples?" and "Why do people say 'moral support' when 'morale support' makes so much more sense?" Also they would have to have an inborn abhorrence towards Kanye West and Steve Ballmer. User:Rcmurphy/sig 23:56, 6 October 2007 (UTC)
- Sadly, they vote on them. I couldn't ask questions, I would merely appoint them by sweeping edict, because that's how the best people were/are made sysops and bureaucrats. They need to be funny, but more importantly, they need to be reliable and upstanding. User:Dawg/sig 2007.10.11.02:38
- I would totally hire them if it means I could fire them. Useless rabble, the lot of them. Back in my day, we could ban people left and right without any of this committee nonsense. No voting, just pure and beautiful communist totalitarianism, I tell you. I'd like my admins to be smart, sexy, and significantly more fuckable that the current rabble we have. Being responsible, trustworthy, practical, yet empathetic, is a plus. Plus, they have to be able to make angry faces on screen through the use of fantastically salient prose.--User:Flammable/sig 21:48, 19 October 2007 (UTC)
- Umm. RC's answers are pretty good for this one. It's pretty much how I decide if I like someone for sysop. Do I feel that they have a broad sense of humour. --PantsMacKenzie 03:00, 15 November 2007 (UTC)
7. Is there any way that bureaucrats and sysops personally gather? Like an office or convention?
- Aside from occasional restroom liaisons, there's not a lot of real-world interaction. Some Uncyc admins/bureaus met at Wikimania in Boston last year, and I've heard tell of Uncyclopedians meeting for drinks and the like, but since we're scattered all over the world it's tough to actually organize anything. I personally haven't met any other Uncyclopedians in the flesh. The closest we come is the virtual world of IRC. User:Rcmurphy/sig 23:56, 6 October 2007 (UTC)
- As RC said, some of us met at Uncyclomania. I'd go hang out with RC if he would ever tell me where he is when he's in Southern California, but that bleggard has never admitted to his location or wanted to. I feel so unloved. User:Dawg/sig 2007.10.11.02:38
- None. Though, I'd totally be up for it for folks in the NY metro area. --User:Flammable/sig 21:48, 19 October 2007 (UTC)
- There's no "official" way, but a bunch of us met at Wikimania 2006 in Boston. I'm always looking to meet fun people from the internets. If anyone is near me, give me a shout. I'll totally ignore you. --PantsMacKenzie 03:00, 15 November 2007 (UTC)
8. What makes you love/want to stick to Uncyclopedia most of all?
- Two words: "coke" and "hookers." Also "stock options." User:Rcmurphy/sig 23:56, 6 October 2007 (UTC)
- I'm lazy and it runs itself at this point. It's funny and I'm glad to have some part of it. Sadly, it has grown to such immense proportions that I can't keep up with it, a job, and all the other silly obligations I have in life. I wanted to stay an Uncyc-R-Us kid forever, too. User:Dawg/sig 2007.10.11.02:38
- Here, I can pretend I'm a giant robot and destroy people with my thumb. Alternately, I can pretend I'm a giant people, and destroy robots with my thumb. It's the perfect means by which to express my loathing towards all existence as we know it, primarily by perpetuating as much information that either satirizes or adds levity to anything we can get our potatoey mitts on. Sometimes, we're even witty about it. --User:Flammable/sig 21:48, 19 October 2007 (UTC)
- 'cause I've been here from the beginning. I want to see how the story goes. --PantsMacKenzie 03:00, 15 November 2007 (UTC)
9. Finally, what if you were to leave Uncyclopedia forever the next day, and could not have any control over that? How would you react/spend your time?
- I'd start an anti-Uncyc website in retaliation. It would be called "Wiki Encyclopedia" and it would have true facts instead of nonsense and would be much more popular. And I'd spend my spare time learning to cook because the only things I can make now are mochas and quesadillas (but they are fantastic quesadillas - one of the secrets is red pepper flakes). User:Rcmurphy/sig 05:07, 7 October 2007 (UTC)
- I would be saddened and probably spend it as I do. However, I might start uncyclopedia-watch.org and post nasty things about certain undesirable admins, but I might also be too lazy to do that. User:Dawg/sig 2007.10.11.02:38
- Mash the self-destruct button. It's hidden in Pants's rib cage. I don't deal with rejection well.--User:Flammable/sig 21:48, 19 October 2007 (UTC)
- Uhh. Go on with my life? I *do* have a life, you know. She lives in canada. No, really! She does! Wait, where are you going? --PantsMacKenzie 03:00, 15 November 2007 (UTC)
10. Would you nominate/promote me for sysop?
- Sorry, there's a fifteen-stage process for being opped. The first step is stealing a relic from the Vatican and the difficulty ramps up from there. User:Rcmurphy/sig 05:07, 7 October 2007 (UTC)
- Only if you can find me a perfect female counterpart that would actually want me. It'll take you until long past your expiration date to do that, but I promise that my then-virtual intelligence will nominate you posthumously. User:Dawg/sig 2007.10.11.02:38
- No. Yeah, I got nothin'.--User:Flammable/sig 21:48, 19 October 2007 (UTC)
- I would have to think long and hard, and then I would have to sleep on it, and then have a nice cup of hot tea, and then poke at a turtle with a stick, followed by looking out the window for hours and hours, and then falling asleep again, and then getting good and drunk, before saying no. --PantsMacKenzie 03:00, 15 November 2007 (UTC)
What this reporter gathers is that bureaucrats from Uncyclopedia are "really nice, helpful and cool", have enlightening restroom converstions, and... like Muppets. Plus, they have the intelligence to catch any traps, as in the word "hire" on Question 6, and are actually behind some socks. Insightful words indeed.
Bureaucrats, while their numbers have dwindled to the brink of nonexistence (referring to the ones that actually still come onto Uncyclopedia) are still devoted to their civic duties. They are always willing to lend a hand, and decide on matters involving the most needy of the site's users - the sysops. Let's face it, they get the most headaches. Bureaucrats get them hooked up with their fix (especially the potential/new sysops). Remember to get totally stoned from a bureaucrat before operating any vehicle. It could save your life.