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UnNews: Your source for up-to-the-minute misinformation.

February 20, 2019 01:01 UTC

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Tenth Planet Identified as 10th Least Cared-About Topic in Nation

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PARIS - Officials at the International Astronomical Union (IAU) in Paris expressed disappointment yesterday when they learned that the discovery of a tenth planet ranks 10th on a nationally compiled list of the 20 least cared-about news topics in America.

2003 UB313, the as-yet unnamed body, is larger than Pluto and has its own moon. The discovery of the planet had sparked a lively academic debate on the definition of a planet, but has yet to resonate with most Americans. -- more

Mr. Whipple squeezes Charmin, dies at 91

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HOLLYWOOD, California -- Charmin pitchman and television icon Mr. Whipple, has died at the age of 91. Whipple, born George Whipple Bush but dropped his last name at age 18, died Monday after squeezing a package of Charmin that was contaminated with E. Coli. Whipple was unaware of the contamination, despite the warnings of bystanders at the local grocery store called Albertsons.

"It was horrifying!" said John McCartney, 41. "I couldn't look. I had to cover my eyes."

As he squeezed, the TV legend inhaled a bit of the bacteria, which quickly led to a heart attack and an unbearable urge to pee. Confused Whipple didn't know which one he needed to take care of first. -- more

Also, this other stuff happend

  • New lifeform found — The zond sent to space has returned and brought back a new unknown life-form. Currently it is destroying the US.
  • Too hot for TV really isn't that hot — After purchasing a videocassette of Jerry Springer moments that were labeled 'Too Hot for TV' local resident, Ryan Dean, noted that "it wasn't really that hot," and that he has "seen hotter stuff walking down the street."
  • New study explains threat of viruses from e-mail — It is common knowledge that computer viruses can be spread across email, but few people are fully aware of the number of far more serious afflictions that can also be transmitted via the medium...


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Worldwide Forecast at a Glance:

  • Alaska to experience a heat wave, next week, in the upper -20's Celsius.


Lightning.jpg


  • Starting in Scotland, expect golf ball size hail at tee-off.


  • Persons in south-east Asia are TSOL, expect hailstones the size of coconuts.


  • A hoarfrost is expected in downtown Amsterdam today.


  • As a note, God spoke to NOAA today, and hath said a large willy-willy is to be expected.


Special Weather Report:

Yo mama is so fat, she caused the last ice age.

Global Warming Indicator

This weather forecast is correct once in a blue moon, and twice after two shots of tequilla.

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